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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250575">A Far Cry From Perfect</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engie_Ivy/pseuds/Engie_Ivy'>Engie_Ivy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Fluff, Getting Together, Hospitalization, Hurt Sirius Black, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Orion Black's A+ Parenting, Protective James Potter, Protective Remus Lupin, Regulus Black is a Good Sibling, Sick Sirius Black, Sickfic, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sirius Black is a Good Sibling, St Mungo's Hospital, St. Mungo's Healers (Harry Potter), The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:22:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>61,844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25250575</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engie_Ivy/pseuds/Engie_Ivy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius always tends to go off radar during the breaks, and his friends hardly hear from him. This summer, things aren't any different, except that they <em>are</em> different, as this summer, Sirius hooked up with Remus the evening before the break.<br/>His friends soon find out, though, that Sirius’s homelife is a lot more messed up than he ever let on. They try to support him best they can, but even their best efforts cannot prevent something unthinkable from happening. The Marauders are left to pay the prize, which is higher than they ever could've imagined.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>422</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>747</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Marauders</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Unlike you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus barely has time to register a mop of messy, dark hair before he’s dragged into a bone-crushing hug.</p>
<p>“Moooony!” James calls out. “I missed you so much! Really, not having to do any homework for weeks hardly compensates for not seeing my friends every day.”</p>
<p>Remus scoffs as he untangles himself from James’s arms. “It’s not like you actually do your homework anyway. But yeah, I’ve missed you too.” And that’s the truth. Of course it’s nice to be able to spend lots of time with his mum and dad, but when he even starts missing having to talk James and Sirius out of some disastrous idea for a prank every five minutes, he knows it’s about time for school to start again. Now that September is coming up soon, he’s meeting his friends at Diagon Alley to buy school supplies and hopefully have some butterbeers and catch up on everything that’s happened over the summer.</p>
<p>“Oi, Moony!” Peter clasps Remus on his shoulder. “How’ve you been, mate?”</p>
<p>“Wormtail!” Remus greets him happily. “It’s been good. How about you? How was your trip?”</p>
<p>“It was alright,” Peter replies. “But towards the end the folks were driving me crazy. Wouldn’t really mind for school to start again.”</p>
<p>James puts his arms around Remus’s and Peter’s shoulders as they make their way through the crowd towards the shops. “You know you’ve got real friends when you can’t wait to be stuffed in a dorm together again!”</p>
<p>Remus chuckles. It gives him a content feeling that his friends seem to miss him as much as he misses them over the summer break.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So... Has one of you heard from him?” It takes James exactly five minutes before he mentions the elephant in the room. They are now at Flourish and Blotts to look at text books. At least, that’s what Remus is doing. James is looking at a book called “Sweeping through the Sky: the Fastest Brooms of the Decade, and what’s yet to come”, while Peter is flipping through some magical baking book, in which each pastry loudly tries to convince the reader to look no further, as they are the most delicious treat they’ll ever eat.</p>
<p>“If anyone would have heard from him, I’d think it’d be you,” Peter says.</p>
<p>“Well,” James says with a sly smile in Remus’s direction. “After last House Cup-party, I’d say it’d be Moony.”</p>
<p>Remus feels his cheeks burn as he keeps his eyes trained on the Advanced Potions textbook he’s currently holding.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ah, yes. Last House Cup-party.</p>
<p>Gryffindor had indeed won the House Cup last year, which was a small miracle in itself, as James and Sirius were known to cost their house more points in a day than other students managed in a year (and maybe Peter and Remus weren’t helping the point count either, being part of The Marauders and all). However, last year, James and Sirius saw a young, muggle-born witch being harassed by a group of older Slytherins, and had jumped in and defended her, despite being severely outnumbered. McGonagall had awarded them with an impressive amount of points to Gryffindor.</p>
<p>Besides, James and Sirius were becoming experts at using their undeniable charm to get away with far more than most would, and many teachers had developed a soft spot for the charismatic trouble makers.</p>
<p>And then there was Slughorn, the teacher who made picking favourites into an art form, and his absolute number one, despite being a muggle-born Gryffindor, was Lily Evans. Impressed as he was with her talent, wit, and kindness, the Potions teacher didn’t let a class pass without finding an excuse to award her with at least ten points to Gryffindor.</p>
<p>So, Gryffindor had won the House Cup for the first time since... Well, since The Marauders had joined the house, Remus thinks, a bit ashamed. This was, of course, cause for a great celebration, and on their last evening at Hogwarts before the summer break, there had been a party in the Gryffindor common room. Everyone had been in a great mood, because of the House Cup and the prospect of weeks of freedom, and it had been a fantastic party, with drinks, food, music, games. At least, Remus supposes it was. He really wouldn’t know. He had spent the evening upstairs in the dorm, being snogged senseless by (and snogging senseless in return) Sirius Black.</p>
<p>Sirius Black. Gorgeous and popular Sirius Black. Brave and clever Sirius Black. Thoughtful and protective Sirius Black, who always manages to make him laugh. Remus doesn’t know what good he has done to deserve it, or wat deity he has to thank for it, but he treasured every moment of it. He has had a crush on Sirius for a long time, but never would he have imagined that Sirius would agree to snog him. Not just agree, <em>initiate</em> it, as Remus never would have dared to, firmly believing Sirius is out of his league. Out of anybody’s league really, in a league completely of his own.</p>
<p>And it didn’t even end there. He woke up the next morning with Sirius asleep next to him, clinging to him like an octopus. Remus wasn’t in the most comfortable position, he had to use the bathroom, it was incredibly warm, and he had loved every minute of it. On the train ride back, Sirius had snuggled up to him in their compartment.</p>
<p>Then the summer break had started, and nothing. No visit, no Floo call, not even a single letter. It did not help with Remus’s insecurities as to where he stood with Sirius.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James softly thuds him on the head with a book, to shake him from his thoughts. “I can practically hear you overthinking, Moony. Calm down. You know Padfoot always goes off the radar during the breaks. It’s normal.”</p>
<p>It is indeed normal behaviour for Sirius. He doesn’t owl. He says his parents disapprove of him being in Gryffindor, disapprove of him writing to Gryffindor friends, and disapprove of him writing to friends who aren’t from ‘proper’ families. He’s not allowed to use the family owls. Things improved a bit when James got him and Sirius the Two-way mirrors. Remus is a bit ashamed to admit, but there are times he visited James just to have a chance to talk to Sirius. It still isn’t what they’d hoped it’d be. Sirius can only talk at weird times, mostly at night from his dark bedroom, where they can hardly see him, saying that he doesn’t want his parents to find out about the mirror and run the risk of it being confiscated. On other occasions, James and Sirius could have agreed to talk, but Sirius just doesn’t show up, later saying he was held up by his family and couldn’t leave.</p>
<p>Sirius has once spent two weeks of summer at the Potter mansion, when his parents were having relatives over and they were afraid (and rightfully so) that Sirius would say something to offend them, and there was no other place for him to go, and he was at the Potters during one Christmas break when his parents were away on a trip, later admitting that they’re still under the impression he spent that break at Hogwarts. Both times had been amazing. Mrs. and Mr. Potter had absolutely adored Sirius, and treated him like a second son. Sirius had seemed to love the Potter household as well. Remus and Peter had visited as often as they could, and they’d gone swimming in summer, ice skating in winter, caused trouble in town, eaten too much fast food and ice cream, like vacation should be when you’re young. But when Sirius is staying at the Black residency, he never comes to visit and he never joins on their trips.</p>
<p>Admittedly, it slightly hurts that Sirius seems to prioritize his family obligations over spending time with his friends, and allows his parents to dictate who he writes and who he sees so much. It just seems so unlike Sirius, and it’s unsettling. Then again, Remus can understand it has to be difficult to be stuck between your parents and your friends, and he can’t blame Sirius for trying to keep the peace. James’s all-time record of staying mad at his friends is twenty minutes, and when it comes to Sirius specifically, ten minutes. So when they’re all back at Hogwarts together, everything is always fine again.</p>
<p>Remus had just hoped that, after that last night together, it would have been different. A short note would have been enough, just something to know that Sirius has been thinking of him. But this summer had actually been worse than ever. James hasn’t even spoken to Sirius through the mirror in weeks.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I know it’s normal for him,” Remus says to James, who looks at him with such compassion that the urge to talk about it becomes just too much. “But that’s just the thing, isn’t it? Nothing's changed. So what if we all get back to Hogwarts and he keeps acting like nothing’s changed? Like it never happened?”</p>
<p>“I will personally hit him with an Instant Scalping Hex!” James proclaims.</p>
<p>“Oh, Merlin. Not his hair!” Peter says.</p>
<p>“No, but in all seriousness, Moony,” James says, and Remus knows he means it as he says ‘seriousness’ without making a pun. “I know him better than I know myself, and I can tell you that Pads is head over heels in love with you. You know that, don’t doubt that.”</p>
<p>Remus most certainly did <em>not</em> know that, thank you very much.  He feels like someone has placed a Jelly-Legs Jinx on him, and maybe also a Jelly-Brain Jinx.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But before Remus has time to tell James that he’s taken one too many Bludgers to the head, Peter grabs his arm and hisses “At the entrance, look!”</p>
<p>Remus and James turn their heads to see a couple enter the store. The woman is slim and slight, while the man is tall and broad shouldered. They’re wearing classically elegant wizarding robes made of expensive fabric, and they look around the store with an arrogant superiority that makes Remus’s skin crawl.</p>
<p>Walburga and Orion Black.</p>
<p>They have the pale skin and dark hair that’s a common trait among members of the Black family, and they have the same aristocratic features and haughty look as Sirius has. But while Sirius is one of those people that lights up the room when he enters, with his uninhibitedly energetic spirit, these people seem to drain all the light from the room, with their cold eyes and composed and calculated demeanour.</p>
<p>Remus immediately knows Sirius isn’t with them, as it is impossible not to notice when Sirius enters a room. It slightly stings, as he obviously didn’t have any family obligations today, and yet hasn’t reached out to them. Remus knows for a fact that James always carries his mirror with him.</p>
<p>A smaller boy, that looks like a younger, slighter version of Sirius, but cannot quite match his handsome looks, does trail behind Mrs. and Mr. Black. As Walburga and Orion Black start a conversation with another couple that they’ve apparently deemed worthy of their time, the boy saunters over to the other side of the store.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Come on!” James says, as the grabs Remus’s arm to drag him towards Regulus, Peter following close behind.</p>
<p>“Black!” James says, as they stand behind Regulus.</p>
<p>Regulus turns around. His face is stoic, his expression indifferent and clear of any emotions. It’s what Remus likes to call the ‘pureblood mask’. He’s seen Sirius slip it on a few times, when approaching his parents at the platform or when addressed by some stuck-up Slytherin in the corridors. Never around his friends.</p>
<p>“Potter,” Regulus replies with an even voice, raising a cocky eyebrow at James. “Can I help you?”</p>
<p>James crosses his arms over his chest. “How’s Sirius doing?”</p>
<p>Confusion appears on Regulus’s face for a fraction of a second and he quickly glances at his parents, who are still talking to someone at the other side of the store, their backs turned to the boys. Regulus narrows his eyes at James. “Why are you asking me?”</p>
<p>“I haven’t heard from him in weeks,” James replies. “I want to know what your family has been doing all summer, for your brother to not even reach out to his friends!”</p>
<p>The mask crumbles, and Regulus’s face takes on an expression filled with... sorrow? Sadness? Only for a minute, then it’s hidden underneath anger, as he glares at James. The whole thing gives Remus an uneasy feeling in his chest. Something’s not right. Something’s very much not right.</p>
<p>Regulus sounds bitter when he speaks again. “You really have no fucking clue what’s going on, do you?”</p>
<p>The uneasy feeling turns into dread, verging on panic, which Remus tries to suppress, but a voice in his head keeps repeating ‘Siriusisnotokay Siriusisnotokay Siriusisnotokay’.</p>
<p>James runs a hand through his hair, suddenly looking a bit unsure of himself. “Look, if there’s something we need to know-”</p>
<p>“Then I shouldn’t be the one to tell you!” Regulus snarls at him.</p>
<p>“Regulus, please!” Both James and Regulus turn their heads at Remus, surprised by the pleading, desperate tone in his voice. At his point, Remus doesn’t care how pathetic he might sound. “Please, just tell us what’s going on.”</p>
<p>A hint of fear appears in James’s eyes, as he too starts to wrap his mind around the possibility that something bad might actually have happened to Sirius.</p>
<p>Regulus’s expression softens a bit upon hearing the worry and concern in Remus’s voice. He nervously glances at his parents again, and then back at Remus. “I can’t... I really can’t talk.”</p>
<p>Remus closes his eyes for a moment to push away his anger and frustration. “Okay,” he says, looking at Regulus again. “Then can you at least tell us if Sirius is okay?”</p>
<p>Regulus stays silent for a while, just staring at Remus. Then, almost unnoticeably, he shakes his head.</p>
<p>Remus feels the ground sink under his feet. He fights the urge to just grab Regulus by his shoulders and shake him until he just bloody tells them what’s happened. From the way James is clenching his fists, Remus can tell he feels the same way, but if they lose their patience with Regulus now, they’ll waste any chance of getting the boy to talk.</p>
<p>While Remus tries to clear his mind long enough to figure out what to say next, Regulus suddenly grabs a nearby book and tears a piece from one of the pages. Just rips a page in a brand-new book, and Remus finds himself not even caring. Regulus grabs a quill from the pocket of his robes, and scribbles something on the piece of parchment. Then, in one swift motion, he presses the parchment in Remus’s hand and turns around and walks away. Just in time, as Walburga Black turns around and scans the store looking for her youngest son. Her eyes meet Remus’s for a second, and the hard coldness combined with just a tinge of madness in her gaze sends a shiver down Remus’s spine.</p>
<p>“I was not expecting that,” James murmurs, still looking at Regulus who’s walking over to his parents. “I don’t like this one single bit. What in Merlin’s name is going on with that family?”</p>
<p>Remus, however, hardly registers that James is even talking, as all the colour drains from his face and his eyes focus on the piece of parchment in his hand.</p>
<p>
  <em>St Mungo’s, room 239</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><br/>
It can’t have taken them more than five minutes to find the closest fireplace and Floo themselves over to St Mungo’s, but each minute with the panic rising in his chest feels like a lifetime. Currently, Remus and Peter are practically running after James to keep up with his rushed, long strides as they navigate the halls of the large hospital.</p>
<p>They end up in a secluded area where a witch is busy sorting potions. She looks up as she hears them approach. She’s probably approaching her sixties, and has chestnut hair slightly turning grey at the roots, a round face and friendly eyes. Judging from her robes, she works as a Healer’s assistant.</p>
<p>“Can I help you?” She asks, as she steps in front of them.</p>
<p>“We’re looking for Sirius Black,” James immediately replies.</p>
<p>Remus hopes with everything he has that the lady will react confused, and say she doesn’t know who they’re talking about and scold at them for trespassing in a hospital, and that Regulus is having a proper laugh in his bedroom right now about the prank he pulled on them. It will be a cruel, not funny prank, but Remus might laugh anyway out of sheer relief.</p>
<p>However, the lady doesn’t seem confused at the mention of Sirius’s name at all. She just gives them a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, but if you’re not direct family-”</p>
<p>“He’s practically my brother!” James interjects. He points at Remus. “And he’s his boyfriend!”</p>
<p>That was not how Remus had imagined being introduced as Sirius Black’s boyfriend for the first time at all.</p>
<p>“I meant biologically, love,” the lady replies calmly. “I’m afraid I’m under strict orders that no one other than direct, biological family is allowed to see him.”</p>
<p>Remus is trembling now. He’s actually here. Sirius has actually been in the hospital for Merlin knows how long, and they didn’t even know. He feels Peter place a hand on his shoulder to steady him.</p>
<p>“I really am sorry,” the lady says. “If it were up to me... But my hands are tied.”</p>
<p>“Can you at least tell us... what happened?” Remus says with a shaky voice and pleading eyes. “Why he’s here?”</p>
<p>The lady visibly hesitates. “He... has a flu, and the fever got pretty bad, so it was better to admit him to the hospital. We’re limiting visitors because... his immune system might still be compromised.”</p>
<p>Flu? No Muggle flu then, as any Healer can cure that with a simple potion. For a wizard to end up in the hospital for a flu, it had to be pretty bad.</p>
<p>“Is he gonna be okay?” Remus asks.</p>
<p>The lady smiles at him. “We’re doing everything we can to help him. I can assure you he’s in good hands.”</p>
<p>Remus doesn’t miss the way she’s not answering his question.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus and Peter decide to stay over at the Potter mansion, as they feel like they should be together.</p>
<p>Euphemia Potter was in a state when she heard her beloved Sirius had been in the hospital all this time, without them even knowing. She immediately got to baking cookies to make him a care package, with, besides freshly baked cookies, a bag of cough drops, a thermos flask filled with warm butterbeer, freshly picked flowers from the Potter’s garden, and some books from James. James didn’t complain and even added some of his favourite magazines as well.</p>
<p>Remus can’t shake the feeling that something’s off. He keeps thinking of the fear and anger on Regulus’s face, and the hesitation of the lady in the hospital. It just doesn’t add up.</p>
<p>“Flu, my arse,” James mutters, as they all sit in his room that evening. They consider the idea of sneaking in under the Invisibility Cloak, but they don’t want to risk jeopardizing Sirius’s health.</p>
<p>None of them gets much sleep that night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day, Remus, James and Peter walk through the hallways of St Mungo’s again, James carrying his mother’s care package. They suppose they can give it to lady to put in Sirius’s room, and try one more time to get some more information on their friend’s well-being.</p>
<p>As they approach the same secluded area as yesterday, they hear raised voices come through an open door, probably the Healer’s office. The boys exchange a look and walk closer to the door, as silent as they can. They’re The Marauders, sneaking around is like a second nature to them.</p>
<p>The first voice they recognize as that of the lady from yesterday, but she sounds a lot less friendly, and a lot more angry.</p>
<p>“... collect your blood money.”</p>
<p>The voice that replies is a heavy, male voice, the Healer perhaps.</p>
<p>“Don’t call it that!”</p>
<p>“But that’s what it is, isn’t it?” The lady bites back.</p>
<p>“We need that money,” the man speaks again. “We can invest in research, new potions, better treatments. Don’t you dare make my feel guilty about it. That money is saving lives.”</p>
<p>“Who are we to decide those lives are worth more than his?”</p>
<p>“It’s not like I’m letting him die! I treat him to the best of my abilities; I heal him every time.”</p>
<p>“Exactly! Every time, and that’s the problem. It’s how it always goes: they drop him off here half dead, we patch him up and send him back, only for it to happen all over again!”</p>
<p>“What else can we do?”</p>
<p>“You know as well as I do that if it were any other child, <em>any</em> other child from <em>any</em> other family, that we would have long since informed the authorities by now, and child protection services, to get him out of that situation. But you just let those people buy your silence.”</p>
<p>“We cannot be sure-”</p>
<p>“Oh, please! Cannot be sure? Tell me then, what is it exactly that’s still making you doubt? The time he had his back torn open by excessive use of the Lashing Curse? The time he dislocated his shoulder and broke several ribs by being repeatedly smashed into a wall? Or was it the time he had actual hand-shaped bruises on his neck? Or maybe it’s the lingering pain throughout his body he talked about, that you know as well as I do can only be an after-effect of the Cruciatus Curse! They’re not even <em>trying</em> to hide it! So convinced are they that we won’t do anything about it as long as they throw some money our way, and you know what? They’re right!”</p>
<p>“It’s not just the money. The Black family is one of the most influential families there is. The Ministry will not act against them, no matter what we say. We’ll just end up losing our careers. This way at least we get some money out of it, we can at least help other people.”</p>
<p>“I just hate this pureblood supremacy sentiment that’s spreading across the country. It’s like the rise of You Know Who and his ideals have convinced them even more that they, as part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, have the right to do whatever they like to whomever they want, even if it’s their own son. Well, <em>especially</em> if it’s their own son. It’s getting worse, you see it too. The more untouchable they feel, the more careless and cruel they become.”</p>
<p>“The growing support for the Death Eaters and other pureblood supremacy sympathisers makes it even more of a bad idea to openly attack the Black family.”</p>
<p>“If it goes on like this, that boy is going to end up dead, and that will be on us.”</p>
<p>“Our backs are against the wall. Apart from taking care of him when his parents have, once again, taken their abuse too far, there’s nothing we can do for Sirius Black.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus’s head is spinning with a thousand thoughts at the same time, but not one coherent. He feels like he’s gonna throw up.</p>
<p>A crash shakes him from the haze his mind has become. James has unceremoniously dropped the care package on the floor, and with an unreadable expression on his face, he crosses the rest of the hallway and pushes open the door to the infirmary where Sirius must be. When Remus remembers how to get his body to move, he stalks after him.</p>
<p>He doesn’t think about anything else than that he needs to be with Sirius, but as soon as he enters the room and takes in the scene in front of him, it feels like all the air is being knocked out of him.</p>
<p>James is standing in front of a bed, tension visible in his whole body, hands clenched into fists, teeth gritted and his face seething with anger.</p>
<p>In the bed is Sirius. His eyes are closed. He looks pale and so much thinner than the last time they saw him. He’s breathing heavily and irregularly, like it’s an effort in itself. One side of his face is badly bruised, and there’s a cut on his cheek. The same deep, nasty cuts are spread across his arms and chest, and there’s bandage wrapped around his abdomen. Some sort of ointment is applied to the wounds, and a potion is intravenously administered, which Healers only do when they’re afraid the body might be too weak to properly take up the potion after drinking.</p>
<p>Remus’s eyes are fully focussed on Sirius’s face, and he doesn’t even react when the lady who was just arguing with the man enters the room, carrying what remains of the care package.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s you boys.” There’s uncertainty and a hint of guilt in her voice.</p>
<p>James turns to face her and takes a few steps in her direction. “This does not look like a bloody flu to me,” he hisses, absolutely furious.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading, and I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Delicate</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Gryffindor dorm, The Marauders’ 4th year </em>
</p><p>“ ‘Soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death’ ”.</p><p>Remus is sitting in his four-poster bed, knees tucked to his chest, eyes red-rimmed and puffy. Sirius sits on his knees in front of him, slightly leaning towards Remus, concern evident on his face.</p><p>“That’s what he said about Greyback, about all werewolves. I never knew, but that’s why Greyback... That’s why he...” Remus can’t finish his sentence.</p><p>Sirius shuffles a little closer. “I’m so sorry, Rem.”</p><p>“Parents are supposed to love you unconditionally, right?”</p><p>An unreadable expression flashes over Sirius’s face, but quickly the concern returns. “Yeah, I guess they should...”</p><p>Remus hides his face in his hands. “Well, my father thinks I deserve to be dead.”</p><p>“No, he doesn’t!” Sirius grabs his wrists and pulls his hands away from his face, so Remus has to look in his grey eyes, filled with worry. “You know he doesn’t.”</p><p>“Even if he doesn’t now, to think that one day he hated who I am so much...”</p><p>Sirius pulls Remus against his chest and wraps his arms tightly around him.</p><p>Remus clings to Sirius’s shirt and hides his face against his shoulder. He let’s out a sob he can’t suppress, and Sirius starts stroking his back in a soothing movement.</p><p>“Your father never hated you,” Sirius says. “What he hated was a wrong conception of werewolves he built in his mind. He hated his idea of werewolves as violent, merciless, vicious monsters. He can’t have ever hated you, as you are none of those things. You’re kind, caring, compassionate... Even if your father hated werewolves, he never hated who you are, because being a werewolf is not who you are, you’re so much more than that, it doesn’t define you.”</p><p>“But it’s a part of who I am,” Remus says against Sirius’s shoulder. “A part he’ll never accept.”</p><p>“Remus, listen,” Sirius brushes his hair from his forehead. “Your father grew up with certain preconceived ideas and believes, and that became his truth. Then his own son came along and defied all his believes. But he loved his son enough to get past his prejudiced mind-set. He allowed himself to learn from you, and that’s...” Sirius suddenly sounds like there’s a lump in his throat, and he stops to swallow. “That’s important. Not... Not everyone can do that.”</p><p>There’s a tremble in Sirius’s voice, and Remus has the vague feeling he’s missing something, but his mind is too hazy from all the emotions to really think about it.</p><p>“You’re right,” Remus sighs. “Of course you’re right.” Remus stays pressed against Sirius, making most of the opportunity and enjoying the warmth of his body and the smell of his hair.</p><p>After a while he sits up and smiles softly, while wiping at his eyes. “Sorry I’m being so dramatic about it.”</p><p>“Don’t apologise,” Sirius says. “You have every right to feel the way you do.”</p><p>Remus stares at his hands. “I’ve always been afraid of never being fully accepted, so I guess the idea just scared me, you know?”  He looks up at Sirius. “I mean, if your own <em>parents</em> can’t love and accept you, then surely no one else ever will.”</p><p>Sirius’s whole body suddenly tenses, his mouth becomes a thin line and the look in his eyes seems detached.</p><p>Remus frowns. “Sirius? Sirius, are you all right?”</p><p>Sirius looks away and takes a few deep breaths, as if he’s trying to suppress whatever emotion was trying to get out. When he turns back to Remus, he gives him a small smile. “Yes, sorry, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. Everything was just getting to me a little.”</p><p>Remus pulls him into a hug. “I guess it was a lot. But thank you. You’re a great listener, and I really wouldn’t know what I’d do without you.”</p><p>Sirius hugs him back tightly, and Remus thinks for a moment that it feels like Sirius needs it as much as Remus does.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Remus just wants to kick himself at the memory. Why didn’t Sirius just tell him to ‘stop being so whiny about something stupid your father said like ten year ago, while my father made hurting me part of his daily routine!’ But no, instead Sirius just had to be concerned, empathetic and supportive. And what had Remus done in return? He had looked Sirius straight in the eyes and said the actual words to him ‘If your own parents can’t love and accept you, then surely no one else ever will’. Merlin, he’s such an idiot.</p><p> </p><p>The lady from the hospital has now closed the door behind her, and is currently looking at James with a mixture of guilt and pity. “You shouldn’t be here.”</p><p>“Why?” James spits. “Because you’re afraid to lose the money those abusers are giving you?”</p><p>Abusers. The word echoes in Remus’s mind. That’s really what they are, that’s really what they have done. They have <em>abused</em> Sirius for years.</p><p>“You were listening in on our conversation,” the lady says. “Eavesdropping and trespassing. You must be the infamous Marauders.”</p><p>“You’ve heard about us?” Peter asks.</p><p>The lady smiles. “Of course. It’s his favourite topic to talk about. If only half of his stories are true...”</p><p>James grits his teeth. “Well, we certainly haven’t heard about you.”</p><p>The lady looks at him with compassion. “You didn’t know?”</p><p>“Of course we didn’t bloody <em>know</em>,” James answers angrily. “If we had known, <em>we</em> wouldn’t have let it go on all this time!”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” the lady says. “There’s no excuse for the way we handled the situation. All I can say is that I was following orders.”</p><p>“Even aside from the fact that you never got him any help,” James says. “Why not tell us? You knew about us! Why not inform his best friends, that he spends most of his time with, that he’s in the hospital?”</p><p>“We were not allowed to. His direct family, his legal guardians, were aware of the situation and then it’s up to them to potentially inform others. As you might understand, they were not too keen on many people knowing.”</p><p>“Does he- Does he ever get any visitors?” Remus asks.</p><p>“No, never. His mother drops him off, and expects us to send him back when we’ve ‘fixed’ him. Which... we do.” The lady looks at the ground. “No one ever comes by in the meantime.”</p><p>James is just about to say something, when a soft noise catches everyone’s attention. Immediately, all eyes are focussed on Sirius. His forehead is damp, his eyes are screwed shut, he has thrown his head to the left and has got a pained expression on his face. He’s softly mumbling, but Remus can only make out a few words.</p><p>“Ngh. M-no, aaah, mmmph. Please... ghaaa. Argh, whaa, sss-stop.”</p><p>The lady quickly walks over to Sirius and lays her hand on his cheek. “It’s okay, love. Calm down. You’re safe, no one is going to hurt you.”</p><p>The tension on Sirius’s face eases a little. The lady smiles softly at him. “The touch relaxes him when he’s asleep, but he always flinches at it when he’s awake,” she says, like that isn’t the most heart-breaking thing ever. She opens a drawer next to the bed, takes a small flask and opens it. She places it between Sirius’s lips, and carefully lets him drink a few sips. The frown on his forehead eases further and his breathing becomes more regular. “Just some Draught of Peace. It helps with the nightmares.”</p><p>Remus wants to run to Sirius, curl up against him and hold him while he sleeps, make the nightmares go away, just like Sirius has done many times for him. But he just stands there, feeling absolutely useless.</p><p>“He needs to rest,” the lady says. “It’s best if we step outside and leave him be.”</p><p>Remus looks back at Sirius’s sleeping form one more time, before the lady ushers him out of the room.</p><p> </p><p>“I must ask you to keep this quiet.” The lady from the hospital is standing across from Remus, James and Peter in the corridor.</p><p> James clenches his fists. “We’re not going to help you sweep this under the rug!”</p><p>“I know, and I don’t want to ask this of you, but it’s a delicate situation. If his parents find out their secret has leaked, we don’t know how they might react. We first need to be sure they can’t harm Sirius anymore, or we might put him in a very dangerous position.”</p><p>“It’s not like he’s ever going back there,” James says resolutely.</p><p>The lady smiles at him “If it were up to me, he definitely wouldn’t, but it might not be so simple. He’s still a minor and his parents are his legal guardians. They have authority over him, so as long as he doesn’t want to report the abuse...”</p><p>“Why would he not want to report them?” Peter exclaims. “Look what they’ve done!”</p><p>“Abuse cases can be complicated, especially in the home environment. There can be feelings of guilt, shame, fear, a misplaced sense of loyalty. And I believe he has a little brother who’s at home at the moment.”</p><p>“Are they hurting him too?” Remus asks nervously.</p><p>The lady shakes her head. “From what Sirius has told me, I don’t think so. Sirius is very protective of him, though, and he’s afraid they might, if he’s not there and they can’t take it out on him. That’s why he always wants to go back there as soon as possible, even if it’s not safe.”</p><p>“And Regulus is an ungrateful little shite who does everything to please his parents,” James says bitterly.</p><p>Remus frowns. On the one hand, he understands James’s frustration. Regulus <em>saw</em>, Regulus <em>knew</em>, and it doesn’t seem like he ever did anything to stop it. But on the other hand, Regulus may not have been physically hurt by his parents, but that doesn’t mean being controlled by those people didn’t leave a mark on him as well. And though Sirius never explicitly says so, Remus knows he cares about Regulus very much, and that’s enough to give him the benefit of doubt.</p><p>“Prongs, don’t. Regulus also grew up in an abusive home, and it can’t have been easy for him to be stuck between his parents and his brother.”</p><p>James snorts. “Not much being ‘stuck between’ if you’re always on your parents’ side.”</p><p>“It’s easy for us to judge,” Remus says. “But we don’t know what it’s like to constantly live under those circumstances. Who wouldn’t try to adapt if you’re raised by those people in that family, and grew up in such an environment?”</p><p>“Sirius wouldn’t.”</p><p>Remus can’t help but smile a little at this. “No, Sirius wouldn’t. But it’s not fair to compare him, or anyone for that matter, to Sirius. No one is as strong, brave, or so damned <em>stubborn</em> as Sirius is.”</p><p>James smiles as well. “I guess you’re right. But even if Sirius doesn’t want to... rat on his family, or be away from his brother, or whatever reason he could have, we cannot just accept that, can we? We cannot just say it’s his own choice and leave him in that situation? If he’s not protecting himself, then we need to protect him! We're his friends!”</p><p>“Yes, that’s what you are,” The lady replies. “His friends. And as his friends it’s not your task to make sure his parents are punished. As his friends it’s your task to be there for him, offer him comfort and support, listen to him and make him laugh, which he needs now more than ever. Don’t jeopardize that by ignoring what he wants and disregarding his wishes.”</p><p>Remus still doubts. Is she really trying to protect Sirius or is this just an elaborate ploy to back up Walburga and Orion Black, and help them get away with it?</p><p>“Look,” the lady says, upon seeing their doubt. “I’m not saying you should keep it quiet forever. I’m just saying that you should talk to Sirius first, listen to him first.”</p><p>James and Peter both look at Remus. Remus remembers the way the lady had gently placed her hand on Sirius’s cheek, and eventually he nods.</p><p>“Good,” The lady says, relieved. “Our potion masters managed to brew a potion to counteract the dark curses coursing through his veins. If the potion works, he should become more coherent in just a few days. This Saturday, my colleague is only working in the morning. Why don’t you boys come back Saturday at noon?”</p><p>“We cannot see him until Saturday?” Remus feels deflated. “That’s days away!” How is he going to get through those days, knowing that Sirius is here, all alone, but not knowing how he’s doing?</p><p>The lady gives him one of her sympathetic smiles. “I’m very sorry, but it’s the safest option, and we’re not expecting any improvement any time sooner.”</p><p>They have no choice but to agree.</p><p>“You’re good kids,” the lady says before they leave. “He always talked about you, but you never came to visit, so I was afraid that maybe you were just like... But you’re not. You’re kind, and genuinely care for him. I’m glad. You’re good friends.”</p><p>“No, we’re not,” Remus mutters. “We spend almost every day together, and we never saw. It’s been going on for so long, and we just didn’t see. How could we have let him down like that?”</p><p>The lady places a hand on Remus’s shoulder. “You can’t blame yourself for that. A parent doing this to their own child is just... You can’t comprehend it, so of course it’s not something you’d even think about.”</p><p>Remus doesn’t reply. He can’t imagine he’ll ever not blame himself.</p><p> </p><p>Peter goes home first. He looks between Remus and James, unsure who he should worry about more. “Let me know whenever you need anything, or just want to talk, okay? I’m here. Please take care.”</p><p>Remus goes with James first, as not telling his mum might be the hardest thing James has ever had to do, and he can use some support. James can’t even look Euphemia in the eye as he tells her they gave the care package to an employer and left, without having the chance to ask a Healer how Sirius was doing. Luckily, Euphemia attributes his strange behaviour to his worry about Sirius.</p><p>Remus doesn’t stay long. His parents are expecting him home, and with his anxiety and guilt, he fears he’ll only make James feel worse. Although to be fair, James doesn’t seem to be doing much better as it is.</p><p>As they walk to the fireplace in the living room for Remus to use the Floo Network to go home, James suddenly stops in his tracks and pushes Remus back against the wall, while pressing his finger against his lips.</p><p>Remus glances in the living room and sees that the fireplace is already in use. Euphemia sits on her knees in front of the fire, and as Remus sees the face dancing in the flames his stomach turns. Staring into the Potters’ living room with her characteristic haughty look is none other than Walburga Black. Remus and James stare at each other in wide-eyed horror as they listen to the conversation in the living room.</p><p>“The House Elf informed me you contacted us.” Even from the flames, Walburga’s voice sounds cold.</p><p>“Ah, yes!” Euphemia replies in a much friendlier tone. “Thank you for getting back to me.”</p><p>“Please make this quick.”</p><p>“Sure. Yes. Of course. I know we hardly ever talk, despite our sons being basically brothers, but after hearing about Sirius I thought I just had to reach out to see how you’re doing, and ask if there’s anything I can do?”</p><p>“Hearing about Sirius? What did you hear about Sirius?”</p><p>“I heard about him being taken to the hospital with a bad, possibly contagious, flu.”</p><p>“Is that so? And who gave you this information?”</p><p>“Well,” Euphemia is starting to sound a bit uncomfortable. “James told me? Those boys share everything, don’t they? It must have been really bad to warrant a stay in the hospital, though! Is your family prone to-“</p><p>“The Black family has strong, noble blood, and powerful genes. We are not prone to any type of illness.” Walburga lifts her chin and looks at Euphemia defiantly. “Sirius being the exception, as usual.” The contempt is evident in her voice.</p><p>Remus clenched his fists. Is she shaming Sirius for being sick, while she bloody well knows the only reason he’s in the hospital is because of her?</p><p>Walburga continues speaking. “This is the kind of talk I wanted to avoid. I thought Sirius and I had an understanding about keeping it quiet, but I guess Sirius decided to draw his own plan. The hospital staff did not inform me he has been writing letters to his friends. I shall take it up with Sirius and... <em>rectify</em> the matter.”</p><p>Remus’s blood runs cold at the look on her face and the sound of her voice as she says the word ‘rectify’. She’s going to... what? Hurt her already injured son even more? While he’s still recovering from the previous pain she inflicted on him? While he’s in the <em>hospital</em>? As Remus sees the ruthlessness and cold cruelty in her eyes, he suddenly realises with absolute clarity that, if nothing is done, this woman is one day going to <em>kill</em> Sirius.</p><p>James suddenly steps into the living room, casual composure and nonchalant grin plastered on his face. Remus thanks whatever god there might be for James’s acting skills, that got him out of many detentions.</p><p>“Hello Mrs. Black, nice to see you. I thought I heard your voice.”</p><p>Walburga narrows her eyes at him. “Potter.”</p><p> “I apologise,” James continues imperturbable. “But I couldn’t help but overhear the last part of your conversation. I just wanted to say that Sirius hasn’t written me. I’m volunteering at St Mungo’s. Well, my parents made me volunteer at St Mungo’s,” he adds with a grin. “So I wouldn’t spend my entire summer just sitting around the house.”</p><p>Euphemia raises her eyebrows at him, but fortunately, she lets him speak.</p><p>“I was wandering through a corridor where I, if I’m being completely honest, probably shouldn’t have been, and I just happened to overhear a conversation in which his name was dropped. I asked the Healer about it, and he only said Sirius had a flu and I was not allowed to be there, and that’s that. Haven’t heard from Sirius himself in weeks. He actually never writes during the breaks. Always says he doesn’t have time for it, and that, as heir to a noble, pureblood family, he has other, more important, obligations that we wouldn’t understand anyway.”</p><p>Euphemia’s eyebrows shoot up even further, and Walburga is looking at James suspiciously. The idea of Sirius ever saying something like that is of course absolutely preposterous. James turns his head to his mother, so that Walburga can’t see his expression and he gives her his best pleading look.</p><p>“Ah, yes,” Euphemia says. “I thought my son could do some good by volunteering, but I guess I should have known he’d be more trouble than worth. Well, now that’s all sorted out, Walburga, James and I of course respect your wish to keep it quiet and shall not mention it to anyone. But again, if there’s anything we can do...”</p><p>“You can mind your own business and not bother us anymore.” And with that, Walburga’s head disappears from the fireplace.</p><p>James lets out a sigh of relief and Remus steps out of his hiding place. Euphemia looks from James to Remus and from Remus to James.</p><p>“Are you boys going to tell me why you made me lie to Walburga Black?”</p><p>Remus and James exchange a look, and then shake their heads, staring at the ground.</p><p>Euphemia pinches the bridge of her nose. “Right. Look, you’re both intelligent kids, and I’m going to assume you know what you’re doing. Just... be safe, okay?” She gives them both a concerned look. “And James?” James looks up at his mother. “If Sirius is in trouble, please tell him that if there’s anything he needs, we’re always here for him.”</p><p>James just nods, looking like he’s on the verge of tears. Euphemia wraps him in a tight hug.</p><p> </p><p>After giving Remus a hug as well, Euphemia has left the two boys alone in the living room.</p><p>“Good that you didn’t rat on Regulus,” Remus says.</p><p>James shrugs. “Sirius would never have forgiven me.” He’s silent for a moment, before he continues speaking. “Did you see her face when she said she was gonna ‘rectify’ the matter with Sirius?”</p><p>Remus nods. “They were right in the hospital. If they find out we know, it could end very bad for Sirius.”</p><p>James sighs. “I know. Before we can do anything, we have to make sure Sirius is completely out of their reach.”</p><p> </p><p>The days to Saturday seem to never end. Remus does as much chores as he can around to house to distract himself from his own thoughts, and tries to ignore his mother’s worried glances. As soon as he’s alone with his thoughts, his brain decides on making up scenarios how everything could go wrong. Maybe they’ll arrive Saturday and find out it was just a trick to get them to leave, and they’re not allowed to see Sirius anymore. Or a worse-case scenario, maybe Walburga found out they know the truth, and took Sirius away again. Or the absolute worst-case scenario, maybe the potion they brew didn’t work, and now there’s nothing they can do, and Sirius... No, Remus’s mind is definitely not a good place to be.</p><p>But eventually, Saturday does come around. At noon exactly, Remus, James and Peter once again walk through the corridor of the secluded area of St Mungo’s. They’ve hardly said a word to each other, but no words were necessary to know how the others must be feeling; tensed, nervous, scared. They see the lady leaning against the wall across from Sirius’s room. Remus inwardly begs for her not to walk up to them with bad news, not to tell them she changed her mind and they have to leave. He does not expect the lady to not say anything, and just gesture towards the door of  Sirius’s room.</p><p>James pushes the door open, and as they walk in, Remus immediately meets a pair of familiar, grey eyes</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, this took me longer than expected, but in my defense, it also became longer than expected😅<br/>I absolutely loved the comments on the first chapter!<br/>Thank you so much, I hope you enjoy.<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. For the bad parts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There’s an extra pillow underneath Sirius’s head, so he can sit slightly more upright. He no longer has an infusion in his arm, and the cuts seem to have healed a bit. There’s even slightly more colour in his face. To be fair; he’s still much too pale, making the dark circles underneath his eyes and the cuts and bruises stand out even more against his skin, and the bandages are still tightly wrapped around his abdomen, emphasizing how terribly thin he is. If Remus hadn’t seen him a few days prior, he’d have been absolutely shocked about how terrible he looks, but Remus has seen him a few days prior, an image he’ll never forget, and now all he can think is how much better he looks.</p><p>The best part, of course, being that Sirius is awake and conscious, looking at them a bit uncertain, while fiddling with his blanket.</p><p>Remus doesn’t know how long the moment in which the boys are just staring at each other lasts. James is the first who seems to remember how to make himself function. He flings himself at Sirius, while somehow still being careful not to hurt the injured boy.</p><p>“You stupid idiot,” James says with a shaking voice, with his arms carefully wrapped around Sirius’s back. “I hate you so much. How dare you? You stupid, stupid idiot.”</p><p>Sirius clings to James’s robes. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, over and over again “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”</p><p>When James lets go of Sirius, both boys just stare at each other for a moment, before a dumb grin breaks out on both their faces, and the tension in the room seems to dissipate.</p><p>Peter walks forward and carefully places a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. “Merlin, Padfoot, you scared us.”</p><p>Then Sirius’s eyes lock on Remus’s again. Remus slowly walks forward. When he’s at Sirius’s bed, both boys reach out automatically and take each other’s hand. Sirius pulls Remus’s hand towards him and holds it against his chest. Remus places his other hand on Sirius’s cheek, and Sirius covers it with his own free hand. Remus just looks into his eyes, while feeling his heartbeat. A weight he didn’t even know he was carrying seems to be lifted now that he has Sirius here, close to him, awake, <em>alive</em>.</p><p>“Hi,” Sirius says.</p><p>“Hi,” Remus replies, and as he becomes aware of the world around him again, he sits down at the side of the bed, releasing his hand from Sirius’s cheek, but keeping his other hand intertwined with Sirius’s.</p><p>“How did you guys find out I was here?” Sirius asks in a slightly raspy voice.</p><p>“Regulus told us when we ran into him at Diagon Alley,” Peter replies.</p><p>Sirius eyes widen and he suddenly tries to sit up further, which he apparently isn’t able to yet, as his face contorts on pain and he falls back on the pillows.</p><p>James immediately has a hand on his shoulder. “Padfoot...”</p><p>“Is he okay? Does anyone know? Do <em>they</em> know?”</p><p>“No one saw us talk to him, Padfoot. No one knows,” Remus tries to calm him.</p><p>Sirius takes a deep breath. “Okay. Good. I’m sorry. It’s just... I always tell him not to get himself involved, especially not to do anything stupid when I’m not around.”</p><p>“When you can’t take the hits?” James asks grimly.</p><p>Sirius flushes and stares down at his blanket. “I can take it.”</p><p>“Yes,” James says, frustrated. “We can see that.”</p><p>Sirius doesn’t reply and keeps staring at the blanket.</p><p>Remus squeezes his hand and Sirius looks up at him. “How many times has this happened?”</p><p>“Being at St Mungo’s?” Sirius thinks about it for a while, and Remus just hates that he has to think about it, count in his head how many times it was again that his own bloody parents messed him up so bad he ended up in the hospital. “First time when I was thirteen. I think this is the... eight time?”</p><p>“Eight times?!”</p><p>Remus doesn’t know which one of them shouts it, feeling overwhelmed with shock and disbelieve.</p><p>“Not all as bad as this!” Sirius quickly says, upon seeing their reaction. “Most times I was out for like, a day? Two days at most, not two weeks. The Healers definitely never had to worry before whether I was going to wake up at all.”</p><p>“Two weeks?!”</p><p>This time Remus knows it’s James, as his mind can only focus on one thing.<br/>
“They thought you were going to die?” He asks, with a shaking voice. <em>I almost lost you?</em></p><p> </p><p>His mind is involuntarily trying to picture it. Walburga and Orion Black would probably make up some kind of tragic accident. Not that they’d inform them, as they never acknowledged their friendship with Sirius. James, Peter and he would arrive at the platform. James ready to confront Sirius about his silence over the summer, though knowing very well he’ll forgive him in less than five minutes, and Remus ready to let this be the year he’ll finally talk to Sirius about his feelings for him. Except Sirius wouldn’t be at the platform, or in the train, and Sirius’s stuff wouldn’t be in the dorm. Sirius’s parents would probably have needed to inform the teaching staff. McGonagall would ask James, Peter and he to come to her office. She’d sit them down and look at them from over her glasses, with a look of sadness and uncharacteristic empathy. Then she’d tell them he’d never get to talk to Sirius about anything anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Moony? Moons? Moony!”</p><p>Remus blinks, Sirius’s voice bringing him back to reality.</p><p>Sirius looks at him intently. “It didn’t happen, Moony. I’m here. I’m alright.”</p><p>Remus swallow around the lump in his throat and nods.</p><p>“Padfoot,” James asks softly. “Why didn’t you say anything?”</p><p>“I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you...”</p><p>“No, no.” James shakes his head. “We’re not angry with you, Pads. I just want to know; is there something we missed? Something we could have done differently? Something we did that made you feel like you couldn’t...”</p><p>“Prongs, no!” Sirius moves his head up again, grimaces, and drops it back down. “It wasn’t you. You’re my brother, I trust you with my life.” He looks at Remus and Peter. “I trust any of you with my life.”</p><p>Remus smiles at him. “Not that I’m one to talk about hiding things from your friends, but why?”</p><p>Sirius looks down, not meeting their gaze. “It’s not that I didn’t want to admit it to you, it’s more that I didn’t want to admit it to myself.” Frustrated, Sirius runs a hand through his hair. “It’s hard to explain. When I’m at Hogwarts, with you, I’m one of the leaders of the infamous, yet beloved, Marauders. I’m this carefree, confident, reckless troublemaker. That pathetic, weak, abused boy, who’s scared of his own mother, just seems so far away. It seems like a different person from a different life, something that has nothing to do with me, something that I can just... ignore. When I’m at Hogwarts, it’s easy to pretend it’s not real, it’s not happening.”</p><p>“But it has been happening,” James says. “You still had to go through it every time. The dread when a break approached, the fear of being in that house, processing the aftermath on your own. And that’s not even mentioning the actual physical pain! No matter how far you push it away, those parts stay real.”</p><p>“We could have helped you,” Remus adds. “Friends aren’t only there for the good parts.”</p><p>“Of course those moments were... difficult.” Sirius’s voice is starting to sound weaker, as the conversation is understandably costing him a lot of energy. “But I chose to face them alone, as the other option was letting my messed up home life into my life at Hogwarts, and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of also ruining that for me.”</p><p>“But keeping it quiet is exactly what’s going to help them get away with it!” Peter says. “They shouldn’t be able to do something like this for so long and not face any consequences.”</p><p>“It’s different with these ancient wizarding families,” Sirius says. “Everything is built on tradition, and they live by their own rules. Strict punishments for those who jeopardize their ideals are much more common within their circles.”</p><p>James frowns. “Do they treat any of your relatives the way they treat you?”</p><p>“Well, no,” Sirius says. “But they aren’t as stupid as I am. Even my cousin Andromeda, who’s dating a muggle, knows to pick her battles. But I just antagonize them whenever I can. When my parents criticize my life choices, talk shite about people I care about, or advocate their blood supremacy ideas, I can’t keep my mouth shut. I’m an underage wizard, not even allowed to use magic, and know how they are, what they can do to me, and yet I can’t help but provoke them. It’s largely my own idiotic behaviour.”</p><p>“Don’t blame yourself.” The idea that Sirius would even for a moment think that he deserves this makes Remus’s stomach churn. “I don’t care how you act, nobody has the right to hurt you like this ever.”</p><p>“Padfoot,” James says, sounding more serious than ever before. “I really think you should ask for help and inform the authorities. Your parents should definitely be disciplined for what they’re doing, but you should also get protection, get out from under your parents’ authority.”</p><p>Sirius shakes his head. “No, I can’t. I just can’t! You don’t understand what power the Black family name holds. If it’ll be my word against theirs, no one will believe me. They’re manipulative, and the ones they can’t manipulate, they’ll bribe, as they have money to spare. There’s nothing money can’t buy. That’s just how the world works.”</p><p>“There are good people as well, Sirius!” Remus interjects. “People who’ll listen to you, and really try to help you. That kind Healer’s assistant, your cousin, our families...”</p><p>“That kind woman will loose her job if she says anything. Andromeda gets enough shite from our family without having to deal with my shite as well. And if my family finds out you and your parents have helped me in any way, who knows what they’ll do? Your father can forget about his career at the Ministry, that’s for sure. Besides,” Sirius adds. “I got through it so far, and it’s not so long anymore before I’m seventeen and can leave for good. And most of that time I’ll be at Hogwarts anyway. I’ll be fine. If I attempt to get my parents arrested and fail, however, I can only imagine how angry they’ll be.”</p><p><em>He’s scared</em>, Remus thinks.</p><p>“It won’t matter how angry they are,” James says. “You’re not getting anywhere near them anymore anyway.”</p><p>“Believe me, Prongs, I’d be happy never seeing them again. But if I piss them off enough, which I will by trying for their arrest, well, they still have Regulus, and they’re not above using him to get to me.” Sirius is starting to look very tired, and Remus realises they need to drop the conversation and let him rest soon. “It just seems stupid,” Sirius continues. “After so long, knowing that it’ll end soon anyway, to take the risk. Risk the safety and careers of the people who care about me, who I care about.”</p><p>“Those people are willing to take that risk for you!”</p><p>It’s also...” Sirius has gone back to fiddling with the blanket. “Everyone in my family has always seen me as this sad case who is not even accepted by his own parents.  I don’t want people at Hogwarts to look at me like that as well.”</p><p>Remus and James exchange a look. Accepting that it happened and keeping it between them, there’s a great injustice at the heart of it and it doesn’t seem right, but what more is there to say?</p><p>“I don’t expect you to understand,” Sirius continues. “I just need you to respect my choice in this matter, and not tell more people about it.”</p><p>Remus tries to make some sense of the conflicting emotions inside of him. “Alright,” he eventually concedes. “We won’t tell anyone else, but only as long as I know you’re safe! If I ever feel like you’re in a dangerous situation, I’ll do whatever it takes, consequences be damned.”</p><p> </p><p><br/>
“It’s unfair!”</p><p>“Absolutely unfair!”</p><p>“It’s just stupid!”</p><p>“Absolutely stupid!”</p><p>“I really hate this!”</p><p>“Absolutely hate this!”</p><p>“I can go to Hogwarts!”</p><p>“Absolutely not!”</p><p>Sirius glares at James.</p><p>James just shrugs. “Sorry, Pads. I really do hate this as much as you do, but there’s just no way you can go to school in this state.”</p><p>“Yeah, mate,” Peter adds. “Of course we really want you there with us, but more than anything, we want you to be healthy. It’ll only be a few weeks at most.”</p><p>Sirius looks at Remus with big, pleading eyes. “Moony, what about my educational development? I’ll fall behind on my schoolwork!”</p><p>Remus rolls his eyes. “Then it’s a good thing you’re so brilliant you hardly ever have to do your schoolwork anyway.”</p><p>Sirius scowls. “I can’t believe my parents are okay with me missing the first days of the new school year. People will definitely ask questions if I don’t show up at Hogwarts!”</p><p>He’s right about that. Sirius Black is not the kind of person whose absence can go unnoticed.</p><p>“Well, the contagious flu story worked just fine for them so far,” Remus says. “And besides, people will ask even more questions if you do show up, but can’t manage to stay awake long enough to make it through a school day, or sit up long enough to make it through class.”</p><p>Sirius sighs defeated, and seems to realise he has no other choice than to say goodbye to his friends, until he can join them at Hogwarts.</p><p>James gives him a hug. “Make sure you don’t get in trouble.”</p><p>“I won’t. Make sure you do get in trouble.”</p><p>“I will. Though no prank will be complete without you.”</p><p>“You better try! Our reputation can’t handle winning the House Cup two times in a row.”</p><p>James gives Sirius a teasing grin. “You did seem to be enjoying the party.”</p><p>Both Sirius and Remus turn bright red, the most colour Sirius has had on his face for days.</p><p>“I’ll wait for you outside, Remus. Take care, Pads, see you very soon!” With that, James leaves the room.</p><p>“I...” Remus stammers, unsure what to say. “I really whish I could just stay with you!” He blurts out.</p><p>Sirius smiles softly. “Yeah, me too. I was always fine being here alone, but now that I’ve had you by my side I don’t want you to leave.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Remus says. “I’ll count down the days until you join us at Hogwarts, but don’t push yourself too much, okay?” Remus swallows, feeling like there are so many more things he wants to say, but having no idea how. But he knows that the longer he stays, the harder it’ll be to leave. “Well, goodbye then, I guess.”</p><p>As Remus turns to walk away, Sirius suddenly grabs his hand. “Remus, wait!”</p><p>Remus turns around to look at him.</p><p>“I just... I need you to know that it was really difficult for me to not talk to you for so long this summer.”</p><p>Remus raises an amused eyebrow. “Really, Pads? <em>That</em> was what was difficult about your summer?”</p><p>Sirius looks down at himself in the hospital bed with barely healed injuries all over and barks out a laugh. “Well, among other things, let’s just say.” He pulls Remus closer. “I’m just trying to say that I really missed you, and I’m going to miss you.”</p><p>“Me too,” Remus admits. He leans forward and presses a kiss to Sirius’s cheek. “Get well soon.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So we heard from Sirius!<br/>Thank you all for reading and I absolutely love the comments I've gotten on this fic!<br/>I love hearing your thoughts in the comments or find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Unforgivable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A new chapter!<br/>Sorry it took me a while. I've written my fic 'It would've been enough' in the mean time (please read it, but beware, I'm probably even harder on Sirius than in this fic😅).<br/>I hope you'll like the new chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>“Hi, James! Where’s Sirius?”</p><p>“He decided to quit school to become a professional dog walker.”</p><p>“Oi, Potter! Where’s Black?”</p><p>“Well, he got arrested for trying to rob Gringotts with a Dungbomb.”</p><p>“James? Why isn’t Sirius with you?”</p><p>“Ah, he travelled to Russia to become a professional ballet dancer.”</p><p>“James, good to see you, mate! Where’s your partner in crime?”</p><p>“He’s flying his broom to Italy to get some pizza.”</p><p>“Potter? No Black?”</p><p>“No, he finally managed to jump off the train!”</p><p>“James? I think this is the first time I’ve seen you without your other half!”</p><p>“Yes, he got discovered as a model for Witch Weekly!”</p><p>“Potter, why isn’t Black with you?”</p><p>“He got expelled for trying to drug McGonagall with catnip.”</p><p>“Jaaames! Tell us where Sirius is!”</p><p>“He left for Hollywood to start an acting career in adult movies.”</p><p> </p><p>“James!” Remus flushes as he gives James an incredulous look.</p><p>“What?” James blinks innocently at him, before a teasing smirk appears on his face. “Giving you mental images?”</p><p>Remus stares at his book, trying very hard to block any type of mental image, thank you very much. “Just stop telling everyone these ridiculous stories.”</p><p>James sighs. “I’m just fed up with being asked about Sirius all the bloody time. At least this way I can get some fun out of it, and besides, Sirius would think it’s hilarious.”</p><p>Peter arrives at their table with a confused look on his face. “Why did Mary MacDonald just ask me whether it’s true Sirius went to Las Vegas to elope with a millionaire?”</p><p>Remus glares at James.</p><p>“Oh, come on, Moony! It’s not like anyone still believes a word I’m saying anyway.” James lays his head on his arms. “I’m just so booored without Pads!”</p><p>Moony looks at him wearily. “Prongs, it’s been two days. How can you miss him so much already?” But he knows he’s talking to himself more than to James.</p><p> </p><p>After realising James is full of shite, people start asking Remus and Peter, and eventually word spreads that Sirius hasn’t come to school yet because he had a bad flu the last week of the summer break and they don’t want to risk anyone else being infected. Which is as much of a lie as anything James has said.</p><p>“I’m surprised you’re not sick, Lupin.”</p><p>Remus whips his head up to look at Marlene, who has flopped down on the chair in front of him. Thoughts are racing through his head. How long till the full moon? Has Marlene noticed anything? Does she suspect something about his condition?</p><p>Marlene smirks. “With Black having a contagious flu, and considering how close the two of you were the last day before the break.”</p><p>Remus blushes and casts his eyes downward. Right. That. How strange that the one thing he couldn’t stop thinking about all summer is now pushed to the back of his mind. He thinks back to walking into the party, suddenly feeling two strong arms being wrapped around him from behind, and hearing a voice say “there’s the moonshine of my life”. He thinks back to spinning around in Sirius’s arms, chuckling, seeing Sirius beam at him, suddenly realising how close their faces are, the look in Sirius’s eyes shifting and becoming softer, vulnerable even, Sirius softly saying how nice he looked that evening, and Remus realising that he wanted him, more than he has ever wanted anything in his life.</p><p>“Don’t play coy, Lupin!” Marlene teases. “Everyone saw you and Black together at the House Cup party! Standing close together in a remote corner of the common room, staring at each other like that and whispering into each other’s ear, before disappearing up to your dorm hand in hand and not returning for the rest of the evening! You can’t tell me you were playing Exploding Snap up there.”</p><p>Remus rubs his neck, still not looking at Marlene. “We... weren’t. It was... a nice evening.”</p><p>Marlene’s grin becomes wider. “I knew it! So, what? Did you spend the summer together? Are you a couple now?”</p><p>When Remus doesn’t immediately reply, Marlene continues talking. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make fun of you, you know. We actually think you’d make a great couple, we’re all rooting for you!”</p><p>Remus can’t help but smile a little at this. “Thank you, really. It’s just that I don’t know. Sirius had a... rough summer. I actually didn’t see him much.” Remus shakes his head. “It’s all a bit of a weird situation, to be honest.”</p><p>Marlene frowns. “Is everything okay? I mean, I thought Black was just making sure the flu had run its course, I didn’t think it was anything really bad. He’s okay, right?”</p><p>“Yeah... He’s... Yeah, he’ll be okay.”</p><p>Marlene just looks at him for a moment. “Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you, okay?”</p><p>Remus gives her a surprised look.</p><p>Marlene chuckles. “I mean, we’re not thirteen anymore, trying to sneak Stink Pellets into each other’s school bags. We should probably move past the whole ‘girls against the guys’ thing. I think we can all be friends.”</p><p>Remus smiles at her. “I’d like that.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus is walking from Charms to Defence Against the Dark Arts, when suddenly he’s pulled to the side. If Remus has ever imagined being pulled into an empty alcove by a Black (which he can neither deny nor confirm), this is definitely not what he had in mind.</p><p>Remus scowls and rubs his arm that’s painful from the firm grip. “Regulus, what are you...”</p><p>Remus voice dies in his throat as he looks at Regulus. The boy is white as a sheet, his eyes are wide and he has a frantic expression on his face.</p><p>“Did you see him? Where is he? Why didn’t he come to school?”</p><p>Remus just stares at him. “You mean you... you don’t know? They haven’t told you anything?”</p><p>Regulus shakes his head. “I wasn’t even allowed to say his name at home after he was gone! She used the Floo network to take him to St Mungo’s and came back not even five minutes later. That’s when I heard her shortly mention the room number, but nothing else, and our father didn’t ask. They’ve just been acting like it never happened, like Sirius doesn’t even exist.” Worry, or maybe even fear, is evident in Regulus’s voice. “Why isn’t he here? Did he... Did he not...?”</p><p>“He’s going to be okay, Regulus,” Remus quickly says. “It was bad, really bad, but he made it and he’s recovering. He’s doing much better already, I promise. He’ll come to Hogwarts once he has regained some of his strength.”</p><p>Regulus slumps against the wall, his whole body is trembling and he lets out a shaky breath. Remus steps forward and places a hand on his arm for support. “He didn’t come back,” Regulus says, his voice barely a whisper. “He never did not come back before.”</p><p>Remus looks at the normally so composed boy, now on the verge of breaking down in front of him, and feels a wave of concern. “Regulus, what the hell is going on in that house? Have they hurt you as well? Have you seen what they’ve been doing to him?”</p><p>Regulus shakes his head. “No, they’ve never harmed me. And what they do to Sirius... They send me to my room, so I don’t actually see it, but I can hear it. Sometimes the screaming seems to just last and last, but eventually it always goes quiet. The next morning, Sirius will have these bruises or cuts on his arms and face, but no one ever acknowledges it. There are also occasions where he doesn’t come out of his room for days, and sometimes, he’s just gone. That’s when I know it has been really bad. He’ll come back after a few days, sometimes a week, never much longer, and once again, he’ll act like nothing happened.” Regulus’s breath hitches. “This time, he didn’t come back. I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t know anything. And then he wasn’t at school, and I was so afraid that...” Regulus’s voice trails off and he seems to be holding back tears.</p><p>“Shite, Regulus.” Remus runs a hand through his hear, suddenly feeling guilty. He remembers how scared he was during those hours in between finding out Sirius was in the hospital and learning he was going to be alright. Regulus has been living with that fear for weeks now, not even knowing whether his big brother was even alive. “I’m sorry. I should have come and talk to you sooner, but I didn’t know they didn’t even tell you anything.” Regulus must have gone through hell, and then Sirius not showing up at Hogwarts either... For all their refusal to admit it, the Black brothers really care about each other.</p><p>“It was so bad this summer,” Regulus whispers. “Of course, they’ve always been cruel to Sirius, but now, with the whole blood purity movement, they feel more than ever like they can do whatever they want to anyone who opposes them. And that night...” Regulus stares off in the distance. “It was so bad.”</p><p>“What on earth happened, Regulus?” Remus asks softly.</p><p>Regulus doesn’t meet his eyes as he recounts the story. “Our parents came back from visiting our cousin, Bellatrix, and her husband, Lestrange. They told our parents that they’ve obtained high positions in the Dark Lord’s ranks. Our parents were filled with pride talking about it. They wanted to arrange for me to talk to them, to discuss my options, and see what place there is for me among...”</p><p>“The Death Eaters,” Remus says bitterly.</p><p>Regulus nods. “Sirius stopped me in the hall, later that evening. He asked me not to listen to them, not to do it. He said that they’ll make me pledge my loyalty, and I would be doomed, whether I’d keep my promise or break it. He begged me to distance myself from our parents’ delusional views, like he has done. Then suddenly she was standing behind us.”</p><p>Remus feels a shiver walk down his spine as Regulus continues speaking. “She was just standing there, watching us. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes. There was no trace of humanity left in them, just cold anger and cruelty.”</p><p>Regulus looks visibly distressed, having difficulty trying to keep his breathing even. “She told me to go to my room, and told Sirius to come with her. I just listened. I didn’t think it’d be any use if I... I don’t know. Maybe I was just scared. I’ve never been brave like Sirius.”</p><p>“Insane like Sirius, you mean,” Remus says, in a feeble attempt to make Regulus feel better.</p><p>Regulus smiles weakly at him, but the smile soon fades as he continues speaking. “I didn’t hear anything that time, probably a Silencing Charm. But then, and this never happened before, she came to get me. At first, I was afraid she was going to punish me too,” Regulus says, looking ashamed of himself, probably because his first thought had been his own safety, but who could blame him?</p><p>“We went to our father’s study. He was there, just casually leaning against the wall, wand in his hand.” Remus feels fear swell in his chest, even though he already knows the outcome of the story.</p><p>“Sirius was lying on the floor,” Regulus says, staring straight ahead, probably replaying the whole scene in his head. “There was so much blood... I’d have thought he was dead, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was gasping for air and looked at me when I entered the room. She asked if he still had so much to say to me. Sirius just said ‘don’t do it’. And that’s when she used the Cruciatus Curse.”</p><p>Remus blood turns to ice. The Unforgivable Curse. The Healers had been right in their suspicion that it had been used against Sirius. Remus only knows the theory of it, never seen it, never even met anyone who has seen it. “Is it as bad as they say?” He asks.</p><p>“You can’t imagine,” Regulus replies. “His screams were the most chilling sound I ever heard, his eyes rolled back and his body was convulsing in pain-” Regulus shakes his head, like he’s trying to shake the memory away. “I never understood why this pain is considered unforgivable, while others are not, but now I do.”</p><p>Remus feels like screaming, or crying, or both. His hands are shaking as he tries to maintain his composure, for Regulus’ sake.</p><p>“The second time she asked him if he wanted to take his words back. I remember every word of his reply. ‘They’re wrong,’ he said. ‘Don’t let them put their misguided ideas in your head. They’re lies, all lies.’ I think this time it was our father who cast the curse. The third time she dared Sirius to say it again. At his point, he could barely even speak anymore. Still, the idiot managed to talk. ‘This is what they are, Reg. Violence and pain. You have a good heart. Don’t let them take that from you.’ The Cruciatus Curse didn’t last long this time, as Sirius soon stopped responding completely. I honestly think our parents thought they killed him, and I honestly think they wouldn’t have cared. Well, maybe just about the hassle of hiding a murder. That’s when they took him to St Mungo’s, that’s the last time I saw him.”</p><p>Regulus suddenly starts shaking violently and hides his face in his hands. “I keep seeing the look in her eyes, I keep hearing his screams, I keep thinking about how <em>broken</em> he looked. It doesn’t go away. I can’t make it go away.”</p><p>“Regulus,” Remus says, tears stinging in his eyes. “Regulus, listen. He’s okay, I promise you he’s okay. You’ll see him soon. That image will not be the last image you’ll have of him. You’re going to see him soon, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>Knowing the hell Sirius went through, makes the urge to see him, hold him, and just be there for him almost overwhelming. Remus can hardly bear not being with him. Even their classmates and teachers start missing The Marauders’ pranks, something they never thought possible. They actually prefer seeing them laughing and scheming, over fretting and worrying. Remus has become even more quiet than usual, and James even more obnoxious than usual, acting obstinate and loudly complaining about his boredom.</p><p>Remus stops by the dorm on his way to the library to pick up some books. As he steps into the common room, he suddenly feels two arms being wrapped around him from behind.</p><p>“There’s the moonshine of my life.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading, and I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Perfectly imperfect</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus spins around as fast as he can. “Padfoot!” He barely registers the sparkling grey eyes and wide grin, before he throws his arms around his neck and hugs him tight.</p><p>Sirius wraps his arms around him, and they probably hold each other a little too long, but neither of them cares.</p><p>When Remus lets go, he places his hands on either side of Sirius’s face, like he’s checking if the other boy is indeed real. Sirius gently holds his wrists and smiles at him.</p><p>“You’re here, you’re back,” Remus says.</p><p>“I’m here,” Sirius replies.</p><p>Remus doesn’t even know what else to say, so he just hugs Sirius again, less desperate this time, but more charged with the emotion he’s unable to convey otherwise. Sirius almost nuzzles Remus’s neck, and Remus threads his fingers in his hair, and they just breathe each other in.</p><p>“You recovered?” Remus asks, once they’ve finally let each other go.</p><p>“Well... I... Yeah.”</p><p>Remus frowns. “Sirius...”</p><p>“No, no, Moony, don’t worry!” Sirius quickly says. “I’m fine, really. It’s just that... The recovery took longer than expected. The wounds have almost completely healed, but I guess my body hasn’t completely gotten over the hit it took?”</p><p>“But the Healers were okay with letting you leave the hospital?”</p><p>Sirius shrugs. “They might have wanted me to stay a bit longer, but I was feeling fine, and ready to come to home.”</p><p>Although still worried if Sirius really is well enough, Remus can’t help but smile at this. “Hogwarts makes you feel like you’re home?”</p><p>Sirius smiles back. “No, you do.”</p><p> </p><p>“You aren’t studying?” James asks, as Remus approaches him and Peter where they’re lying on the grass near the Great Lake.</p><p>Remus raises an eyebrow at seeing the History of Magic textbook that is lying open in front of James. “You are studying?”</p><p>James pushes the book away, like it has a Flagrante Curse cast over it.</p><p>“What has become of me?” He whines pathetically as Remus sits down on the grass as well. “Everything is just so terribly boring without Padfoot! I don’t even have the motivation or inspiration for pranks.”</p><p>“Well,” Remus says, as he picks up the discarded history book. “If you’re not pranking anymore and actually studying, maybe it’ll be better for everyone if Padfoot stayed away a while longer.”</p><p>James stares at him in wide-eyed horror. “How dare you! Moony, you take that back. There’s nothing positive about Padfoot’s absence. The days are nothing but dull and dreary.” James runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I mean, I may have overreacted a bit in the beginning, but now... Merlin, I just really miss him, you know? Of course, the most important thing is for Padfoot to be healthy and safe, but I kind of wish he was- Whoah!”</p><p>James yelps as he’s suddenly thrown back on the grass, like he’s being tackled by an invisible force, which is actually exactly what happened. “Aaaw, Prongsie! I missed you so, so much too!”</p><p>James dumbfoundedly blinks up at the empty air above him. “P- Pads?”</p><p>Sirius’s grinning face appears as a floating head in front of James, soon followed by the rest of his body as he discards the Invisibility Cloak.</p><p>“Bloody hell, you gave me a bloody heart attack, you tosser!” James scrambles up only to launch himself at Sirius, who now has his turn of falling back on the grass, barking out a laugh while doing so.</p><p>James hugs Sirius tight. “You’re back, you’re back, you’re back, you’re back!”</p><p>Peter eventually manages to shake off the shock and runs toward Sirius as well and joins in the hug.</p><p>Sirius grins broadly as the four Marauders sit on the grass together. “So, what did I miss? Did Prongs finally manage to get with Evans?”</p><p>Remus chuckles. “Padfoot, you’ve been injured, not transported to an alternate universe.”</p><p>“Oi!” James shouts, as he tackles Remus to the grass.</p><p>Tumbling and rolling around in the grass, the four boys laugh like they haven’t laughed for a long time.</p><p> </p><p>Remus is glad and relieved to have Sirius close to him again, to know he’s safe, to be able to touch him, talk to him, or even just look at him, and honestly, sometimes Remus feels like he’ll never look away again.</p><p>If the last time you’ve seen Sirius was two weeks ago at St Mungo’s, like Remus, James and Peter, you’ll think that he’s looking much better. Though you can still see the traces of the cut on his cheek, most wounds seem to have healed quite well. He also looks a little less tired, and has a bit more colour on his face. If the last time you’ve seen Sirius was on the last day before the summer break, however, like the rest of their schoolmates, you’ll be shocked at how terrible he looks. The paleness and the bags under his eyes are far from gone, but what’s most striking is how much weight he has lost and how very thin he has become.</p><p>Sirius’s absence didn’t go unnoticed, neither does his return, and unfortunately, neither does the change in his appearance. Everywhere they go, their schoolmates are staring, pointing and whispering. Remus is suddenly grateful for all those crazy stories James has been spreading, as it makes people less inclined to just believe everything people are coming up with now.</p><p>It ranges from people saying that Sirius has been poisoned and only has a year to live, to Sirius being on hunger strike to protest a marriage his parents have arranged for him. Of course, there are also people who are genuinely concerned about their fellow student, who wonder how bad his illness has been, whether he’s still sick, or if he maybe has a depression. Remus wishes they’d just stay out of it, as he can tell the rumours make Sirius uncomfortable, but he knows they don’t mean anything bad by it. They’re just worried, and who can blame them?</p><p>Unfortunately, there are some arseholes as well. Remus’s blood boils as he hears a group of Slytherins laugh about how easy it would be to beat Sirius up, now that he’s so weak. They must be forgetting that Sirius is a better dueller than the five of them combined, but still, Remus secretly vows to himself to not let Sirius walk around the castle on his own. Remus also has trouble controlling his anger as two fifth-year girls loudly talk about how they hope Sirius will start working out again soon, because he was so much hotter when he was muscular, not knowing, or maybe just not caring, Sirius can hear every word.</p><p> </p><p>As great as it is to have Sirius around again, it’s not easy. Sirius is acting like nothing happened. He’s planning pranks, making lots of jokes, and avoids any real conversations. Remus, James and Peter find it difficult to just ignore everything that has happened last summer, or actually everything that has been happening for the past years and they only found out about last summer. They’re not the ones who have lived through the most horrible parts of it, but they still feel pretty shaken up by the whole situation, and actually have the urge to talk about it. They don’t just want to contribute to Sirius’s extreme form of denial, but they’re not sure whether they should push him to talk about it. Is it okay to put that kind of pressure on him, and will it even help him to go over the whole thing again, or will they just be doing it to make themselves feel better?</p><p>It might have been easier to pretend everything is okay if Sirius hadn’t been so clearly not okay. He’s hardly eating, and Remus has a strong suspicion he’s hardly sleeping either. He tries to hide it so desperately that it’s almost painful to watch, but Sirius can barely make it through a full day of classes, and is completely exhausted each time climbing the stairs. He’s more closed-off and the sparkle that was always in his eyes is only there on rare occasions. He’s also more anxious and can barely concentrate on his school work. His performance in class is Acceptable, which is of course acceptable, but not if your usual performance is nothing but outstanding. Professors start giving Sirius worried looks as his performance in class starts dropping. Especially McGonagall, who tries to talk to Sirius on multiple occasions, but Sirius always manages to brush her off.</p><p> </p><p>Only once, Sirius seems to be showing some of his feelings. The boys are sitting in the common room and Alice calls him. “Black! Your brother is waiting in front of the portrait hole and wants to talk to you.”</p><p>Sirius’s face shows no reaction. He just gets up and walks to the entrance of the Gryffindor tower.</p><p>Remus follows him, remembering his last conversation with Regulus, and knowing there are things the brothers need to say to each other and wanting to make sure they actually say it.</p><p>He witnesses a truly remarkable interaction.</p><p>Regulus looks up at his brother, his face that familiar pureblood mask of indifference. Sirius looks back, the exact same mask firmly in place, void of any of the emotions they both must be feeling. Remus involuntarily shivers at how much they look like their parents right now.</p><p>“I think you packed my Potions book in your trunk,” Regulus says.</p><p>“Right,” Sirius says. “Come look for it yourself then.” He turns around and walks up to the dorm, Regulus following close behind.</p><p>The minute the door to the dorm closes behind them, the whole atmosphere shifts.</p><p>Sirius immediately walks toward his brother and grabs his shoulders. “Reg, are you okay? Have they done anything to you? I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to leave you alone-”</p><p>Regulus pushes Sirius away. “Shut up, you idiot! Shut up! Don’t go and ask me if I’m okay! You’re the one who had to be dragged to the hospital! Do you have any idea how much you scared me? Do you have any idea what it did to me to see you like that? What it did to me when you didn’t come home, when you didn’t come to Hogwarts? I thought you died!” Regulus is shaking and tears are forming at his eyes. “I thought you died...”</p><p>Sirius envelops his little brother in a firm hug, all the while whispering to him. “I’m here, Reg. I’m here, I’m safe, it’s alright. I came back. I promised you that I’ll always come back, didn’t I?”</p><p> </p><p>Remus understands Sirius wanting to be strong for Regulus,</p><p>One day, Remus walks up to the boys’ dormitory, returning from a study session at the library, when he hears the raised voices of James and Sirius.</p><p>“...just respect that?” Sirius is asking in an angry tone.</p><p>“Because you’re being ridiculous!” James responds.</p><p>Remus opens the door and looks from Sirius to James, and from James to Sirius. Sirius is sitting on the edge of his four-poster bed, his arms folded across his chest, staring pointedly at the floor. James is standing across from him, his hands on his hips, glaring at Sirius. “What’s going on?” Remus asks cautiously.</p><p>Sirius doesn’t look at Remus. “Just some arsehole Slytherin who made some dumb comment.”</p><p>James does turn his head look at Remus. “Said something like Padfoot’s parents finally realising he’s such a waste of space they decided to let him starve.”</p><p>Remus immediately clenches his fists, his protectiveness over Sirius coming to the surface, not that it ever has been far from the surface these last weeks.</p><p>“So I punched him in the face,” James says with a shrug.</p><p>Remus looks at Sirius, who seems angry and unhappy. “Since when do you care so much about some arsehole Slytherin’s well-being?”</p><p>“It’s not what Prongs did, it’s why he did it!” Sirius says.</p><p>“To stand up for my friends?” James asks. “Well, I’m sorry, but that’s just how I was raised.”</p><p>“You know it’s not just that. You felt like you specifically had to protect me.”</p><p>“So what?” James counters. “So what if I’m concerned about you? Can you honestly blame me?”</p><p>“You’re making a too big deal out of this!” Sirius exclaims.</p><p>“A too big deal?” James asks. “I couldn’t make a too big deal out of this if I tried! You almost died, Padfoot! No deal is ever going to be big enough. You almost died, you were severely abused for years without saying anything...”</p><p>Sirius whips his head up to look at James. “I already apologised for not being honest with you!”</p><p>“I don’t want you to apologise, Padfoot! I want you to be honest from now on, I want you to tell me what’s going on!”</p><p>Sirius shakes his head. “There’s nothing more to tell! Yes, my parents are shitty, yes, I got badly injured, yes, it wasn’t the first time. It’s no use to keep whining about it. What more do you want to know?”</p><p>“I want to know why you’re hardly able to eat more than a few bites! I want to know why you started casting Silencing Spells around your bed every evening! I want to know why your hands are suddenly shaking when practicing spells for Defence Against the Dark Arts!”</p><p>“I just...” Sirius takes a deep breath. “I just need some time to get myself together, and then it’ll all be fine.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus never would have thought, but he actually starts missing Sirius acting like nothing happened, because in the weeks after that argument, it gets worse. Sirius is avoiding them. Remus, James, Peter, all of them. He doesn’t really speak to them anymore, he doesn’t show up in the Great Hall for meals, instead of sitting in the common room together, he hides away in his bed up in the dormitory, and he hardly acknowledges them during class.</p><p>At one point, Sirius walks out of the bathroom and sees the other boys have entered the dorm, and immediately turns to walk out.</p><p>And Remus has just had it. “No!” He suddenly shouts.</p><p>Sirius stops and turns around.</p><p>“No,” Remus says. “I know what you’re doing, and the answer is no.”</p><p>Sirius just looks at him. “I don’t believe anyone has asked a question, Remus.”</p><p>“That’s Moony to you!” Remus bites at him. “You’re pushing us away, and I won’t stand for it. So no. I won’t have it, it’s not happening.”</p><p>Sirius grits his teeth. “I need this...”</p><p>“Why?” Remus asks bitterly. “Because it’s easier to pretend when you distance yourself from the people who actually know you?”</p><p>“I can’t take it,” Sirius replies. “I can’t take it to be reminded all the time...”</p><p>“Padfoot,” Remus says, kinder this time. “We’re not going to force you to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. Whatever you need, whatever you want, or don’t want, we’ll respect that. We just want to be here for you.”</p><p>Sirius looks torn. “It’s not just that, Moony. Even when we’re not talking about it, just knowing that you know, seeing your worried looks, the glances you exchange, it’s like I can’t get away from it anymore. So maybe if I get away from you, just for a little while, I can get myself together and deal with it the way I’ve always dealt with it, simply not allowing it to affect me here.”</p><p>“Siri...”</p><p>“No, Re.” Sirius takes a step back. “Please, just drop it.”</p><p>And with that, Sirius turns around and quickly walks out.</p><p> </p><p>The other Marauders want to give him space, but when he doesn’t return and it’s getting later and later, the worry becomes too much and they take out the map. They spot Sirius’s name in an empty corridor somewhere on the fourth floor, where they indeed find him, sitting with his back against the wall, knees tucked to his chest. He seems to be trying to calm himself, but his breathing is erratic.</p><p>The sight tugs at Remus’s heart, but he fights the urge to immediately run toward Sirius, and he, James and Peter slowly approach him instead.</p><p>“Padfoot, please talk to us.”</p><p>Sirius shakes his head. “I don’t want to talk, I want to forget.”</p><p>“You’ve been trying to forget,” Peter says. “But it’s eating you up. We can tell.”</p><p>“No,” Sirius mumbles. “I can push it away, I’ve always pushed it away. It’s not part of my life at Hogwarts, and I won’t let it be.”</p><p>“Padfoot,” James says softly. “I don’t think pushing it away is going to do you any good in the long run. Maybe it’s time you try to acknowledge it? To accept what happened, so you can process it?”</p><p>Sirius’s eyes have unmistakable fear in them. “What if there’s no stopping it? What if I allow myself to dwell on these feelings, and it all becomes too much? I have to avoid becoming a pathetic mess when I’m at Hogwarts as well.”</p><p>“I get that it’s scary and overwhelming,” Peter says. “But you’re so strong-”</p><p>“Exactly,” Sirius interjects. “That’s how you know me. Not that weak, scared and pathetic boy I am at home, but the strong, brave and confident person I am when I’m around you. That’s who I want to be, that’s the real me.”</p><p>“Don’t get me wrong, Padfoot,” James says gently. “But I don’t think that’s the real you. It’s this perfect version of yourself that you have created and that you’re desperately trying to live up to.”</p><p>“I think it’s who I could have been, who I should have been, if they didn’t... <em>break</em> me.” Sirius closes his eyes for a moment, and then opens them again. “They’ve already taken that away from me at home. I won’t give them everything, I won’t let them ruin me here as well.”</p><p>“You’re not giving them anything by acknowledging what happened, by finding a way to deal with it. You can accept that it has affected you, that it’ll always be a part of who you are, without letting it define who you are.”</p><p>“But Hogwarts was my escape,” Sirius says, still desperately trying to control his breathing and maintain his composure. “The place where I could be away from it all, where I could be a reckless troublemaker and focus on fun and friends, without the struggles of my homelife casting their shadows.”</p><p>“But Sirius,” Remus says softly, but emphatically. “You don’t have to choose, you don’t have to be either one thing or the other. You can be both, and that’s okay. You can cry as often as you want, you can have days on which you feel like shite and can’t get anything done, you can break down whenever you feel like breaking down, you can ask for help any time it becomes too much, and you’ll still be the same strong, brave and confident Sirius to us, that’ll never change.”</p><p>Sirius gestures vaguely at himself. “This is not what you’ve signed up for when you befriended me.”</p><p>“Yes, it is,” James says firmly. “Because we befriended a person. Not some perfectly constructed facade, but a real person, with all his flaws, fears and insecurities.”</p><p>Sirius stares at his knees, hugging them even closer. “What if I just turn out to be a huge let-down again?”</p><p>“Are we letting you down when we show our vulnerabilities?” James asks. “No, you never once thought any less of us, so why be so harsh on yourself? I mean, I can get terribly homesick, and whenever I get upset after receiving a letter from home, do you tell me that’s not what you signed up for in this friendship? Of course not! You sit with me, listen to me and comfort to me.”</p><p>“And I have a huge fear of failure,” Peter chimes in. “And every time I panic for an exam, you stay up with me to help me study and try to distract me from my anxiety with your stupid jokes.”</p><p>“Well,” Remus says, as they look at him. “I am, of course, a perfectly flawless person without any insecurities, no issues at all. You’ve definitely never had any reason to think differently of me, and you’ve definitely never had to break any literal laws just so you could be there for me.”</p><p>Sirius involuntarily lets out a laugh through the tears that are now silently streaming across his face.</p><p>Remus reaches out, and wraps one arm around Sirius’s waist and places the other behind his head, while he pulls him close. Sirius holds on to his shoulders and hides his face in his neck. James soothingly rubs circles on his back.</p><p>“See, Padfoot?” James says. “Everyone at school might think we’re the height of cool, but not showing any weaknesses has definitely never been a requirement for this friend group.”</p><p>“Yes,” Remus adds. “We’re all a far cry from perfect, and that’s perfectly fine.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading, and I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The way I see you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In which Remus realises he doesn't like the boy, doesn't fancy the boy, doesn't have a crush on the boy, but actually loves the boy.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius is really trying. He still doesn’t easily talk about how he’s feeling. Of course, you don’t just undo a whole upbringing of being taught showing emotion is a sign of weakness with one conversation, but when James, Remus or Peter notice he’s not okay, he lets them come closer. He tries to talk when they ask him questions, he listens when they try to make him feel better, and he allows them to comfort him. He’s finally accepting the help he’s unable to ask for.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a difficult moment when they learn about the Cruciatus Curse at Defence Against the Dark Arts. Sirius turns pale, and sits completely silent in his seat staring straight ahead and not responding to any of his friends. James, Remus and Peter keep glancing at him, but he doesn’t even seem to notice.</p><p>Remus feels sick to his stomach, hearing about the all-consuming pain the curse can inflict, incomparable to anything else. How it can drive all sane thought from your mind, leaving nothing but agony, until you can only hope for death. Remus can’t imagine how it must be for Sirius. He wonders if he’s reliving it, if the pain is still so vividly etched in his memory.</p><p>As soon as the class ends, Sirius gets up from his seat and rushes out the door. Remus and James exchange a look, James gives Remus a nod, and Remus quickly goes after Sirius.</p><p>He finds him curled up on his bed, trembling and breathing erratically. Remus doesn’t say anything. He just lies down next to Sirius, who immediately curls into him, and Remus wraps his arms around him and holds him tight. After a while, the trembling becomes less, and after another while, his breathing becomes more regular. James brings them a basket of sweet buns for lunch, ruffles Sirius’s hair and leaves them alone again. Remus manages to convince Sirius to eat one. They skip class for the rest of the day.</p><p> </p><p>And then there’s the Quidditch incident. Sirius has actually managed to make the team again. His stamina may be incredibly low, but he still has amazing posture on his broom and perfect coordination, which is more important during the try-outs than endurance. Although far from his best form, he’s still the best Chaser besides James. More importantly, the unbeatable team James and Sirius form is just compelling to watch. It’s the same as when they’re duelling Slytherins together; they respond so well to each other, always seem to know what the other is thinking and what the other is going to do. Watching those two compete together is a fantastic spectacle, that makes Remus feel so proud.</p><p>However, Remus feels very conflicted about Sirius making the team. On the one hand, he’s relieved Sirius somehow managed to get through the try-outs, and actually did good. They’ll be spared of the awful situation it would’ve caused if James, who’s selecting the Quidditch team as captain, would’ve needed to reject Sirius. On the other hand, he feels like Sirius shouldn’t be putting this much physical stress on his body in the state he’s in, not to mention him being fifty metres up in the air.</p><p>As Remus rushes through the halls, he feels like he really was right to worry, and Sirius had no business being up in the air.</p><p>Remus bursts into the Hospital Wing.</p><p>“Hi Moony!” Sirius greets him from the bed he’s lying on.</p><p>“Padfoot!” Remus hurries to his side, scanning him for injuries, but seeing nothing but a few scratches and bruises. “Are you alright?”</p><p>Sirius just rolls his eyes. “Yes, Moony, calm down. I’m fine.”</p><p>Remus frowns. How many times hasn’t he heard Sirius say those words over the last weeks?</p><p>“He fainted.” Remus turns around to James, who’s standing at the foot of the bed, wearing his Quidditch gear from practice, his hands slightly shaking, his lips pressed in a firm line and looking very pale. “He was flying across the field, fainted and fell down. Said he was fine, took him to the Hospital Wing anyway, and turned out he broke his arm.”</p><p>“Nothing Madam Pomfrey couldn’t fix with a flick of her wand!” Sirius says cheerfully. “Right, Poppy?”</p><p>Madam Pomfrey gives Sirius a pointed look. “The broken arm was no problem, no. Though healing it was easy, the pain should be no less intense, so it baffles me he hardly seemed to notice it.”</p><p>Perhaps Sirius has a very high pain tolerance, with all the pain he has been subjected to ever since he was just a little kid, or perhaps he’s still constantly feeling pain as it is, and a broken arm didn’t even stand out so much. Both possible explanations are nauseating to Remus.</p><p>Footsteps sound in the hall and Madam Pomfrey turns around. “Ah, Minerva! There you are!”</p><p>McGonagall walks into the Hospital Wing, while Sirius smiles sheepishly at her, from where he’s lying on the hospital bed.</p><p>“Poppy, what is going on?” McGonagall asks with a frown.</p><p>“I asked you here because I’d like to know what in Merlin’s name this boy was doing up in the air flying a broom?” Madam Pomfrey asks pointedly.</p><p>McGonagall looks from Madam Pomfrey to Sirius and back. “It would seem he was attending Quidditch practice?”</p><p>“A boy in his condition should not be playing sports of any kind!” Madam Pomfrey scolds. “I know how competitive everyone tends to get over this Quidditch Cup, but it shouldn’t take precedence over a student’s safety. This boy is malnourished, severely underweight and overtired.”</p><p>“Poppy, I can assure you that a student’s safety is, and always will be, my top priority,” McGonagall says, sounding genuinely concerned. “I am afraid I was not aware of mister Black’s health status, which is a great negligence on my part, as being his Head of House, I feel responsible for his well-being.”</p><p>“Professor, no, there’s really nothing-” Sirius begins, but Madam Pomfrey talks over him as she starts walking to the back of the room. “I can give him some Sleeping Draught and Strengthening Solution, but really, know that potions cannot be a substitute proper self-care!”</p><p>McGonagall turns to Sirius as Madam Pomfrey goes to prepare the potions. “Mister Black, I am afraid I have to remove you from the Quidditch team.” She then looks at James. “Mister Potter, can I trust you to-”</p><p>“Yes!” James immediately says, hands still shaking. “I won’t put him in that kind of danger again. I should have never placed him in that situation to begin with. I’m the captain. I should have... I should have known better. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Prongs, don’t. You couldn’t have-” Sirius begins, but James has already turned around to leave the room, not wanting to lose his composure in front of his best friends and teacher.</p><p>“Mister Black.” McGonagall’s voice sounds a lot softer now. “I meant it when I said my priority is my students’ well-being, and I cannot help but feel like I failed you in that respect.”</p><p>“No, professor!” Sirius quickly says. “I just had a rough summer, but I’ll get over it. It’s not something that can be helped, and really nobody’s responsibility, professor.”</p><p>McGonagall gives him a compassionate look. “Mister Black, if there is anything I can do...”</p><p>Sirius just looks away.</p><p>“Mister Black, Sirius...” McGonagall takes a step forward. “Please know that you can talk to me. If you need help, no matter what kind, please know that you can come to me.”</p><p>Sirius just stares intently at his hands and doesn’t respond. McGonagall looks at Remus, but Remus, slightly hating himself for it, doesn’t dare to meet her gaze.</p><p> </p><p>Madam Pomfrey wants Sirius to stay the night, which he doesn’t really protest, but he does usher Remus to go after James to make sure he’s okay.</p><p>Remus spots James in the Gryffindor common room and wants to walk toward him, but he stops in his tracks as he approaches. James is sitting on one of the couches, looking pale and staring straight ahead, seeming quite afflicted. Next to him, however, sits Lily Evans, one hand gently placed on his arm while she’s softly talking to him. Remus can’t help but smile at the scene, and turns around to go up to the dormitory.</p><p> </p><p>James and Sirius get to talk it through themselves the next morning, when they run into each other in the common room before breakfast.</p><p>“Pads! How are you feeling? Any better? How’s your arm?”</p><p>“I’m fine, Prongs! Much better actually. Bloody decent nurse, Madam Pomfrey is.”</p><p>“Padfoot, I’m so sorry, I really am.”</p><p>“What in Merlin’s name are you sorry about, Prongsie?”</p><p>“I’m captain of the Quidditch team! Not only am I responsible for the players’ safety, I’m the one who put you on the team, knowing very well you weren’t in a proper form. I just really wanted to be in the team together again, and I was being selfish.”</p><p>“I decided to try out for the team myself, Prongs. And my try-out was just so great, you had no choice but to put me on the team, so no blame on you!”</p><p>“Still, it’s not fair that I get to play and you don’t. After putting my best friend in danger like that I don’t deserve to be on the team anymore. I should just quit the team as well!”</p><p>Sirius launces forward and wraps James in a tight hug. “Prongs, you’re going to be the best captain Gryffindor has ever known, you’re going to win us the Quidditch Cup, and I’m going to be in the stands cheering for you every single game!”</p><p>Later at breakfast, when Sirius hears about the latest developments on the Lily Evans-front, Sirius loudly states that if he’d know all it took for Lily Evans to finally agree to go on a date with James, was him dropping of his broom at fifteen metres in the air, he’d have done it years ago. Everyone knows he’s not even joking.</p><p> </p><p>On a rainy Thursday night, Remus is lying on his favourite couch in the Gryffindor common room. He’s feeling perfectly content. Maybe it’s the good book he’s reading, maybe it’s the warm cup of tea he’s drinking, maybe it’s the soft blanket over his legs, or the crackling of the fire place. Well, actually he knows very well that it has nothing to do with any of that, and everything to do with Sirius being curled up next to him at the other end of the couch.</p><p>After Peter had announced he was going to be in the library until late if he wanted to have a chance at finishing that Charms assignment he’d been postponing, James announced he had planned an extra Quidditch practice that would also go on until very late to prepare for the upcoming match against Ravenclaw. He had given Remus a meaningful look, and added with zero subtlety that it’d be just him and Sirius in the quiet common room tonight. Remus had flushed, not really knowing what to do with that information. He and Sirius never repeated what happened on the night of the House Cup party. They hadn’t even talked about it, about what it was, what it meant, whether it meant anything at all. To Remus, it felt completely inappropriate to hit on Sirius or flirt with him now. Sirius was just starting to feel more at ease, and Remus couldn’t risk doing anything that could make him uncomfortable.</p><p>Remus is focussed on his book when Sirius turns around from his corner of the couch to Remus’s, and snuggles up close to him. Remus automatically has one arm wrapped around Sirius’s narrow frame, and he can clearly feel his ribs through his shirt.</p><p>“’m cold,” Sirius murmurs against Remus’s chest.</p><p>“That’s because you’re so scarily thin,” Remus immediately answers, without really thinking about it.</p><p>For a second, he thinks he can feel Sirius tense up, but then Sirius pushes himself up and away from Remus to sit back on his heels, while he looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face. “I’m just gonna go to bed,” he suddenly says.</p><p>Remus stares with confusion as Sirius gets up and walks away. “Are you-”</p><p>“I’m fine!” Sirius says over his shoulder, as he’s already climbing the stairs to the boys’ dormitory.</p><p>Remus shakes his head and tries to focus on his book again, feeling a lot less content now that Sirius isn’t next to him anymore. But Sirius has been getting so little sleep lately, him going to bed quite early is a good thing, right?</p><p> </p><p>Remus manages to let his book distract him. After a while he vaguely notices James coming in, looking at him with a frown, before going upstairs to the dormitory, probably to get rid of his Quidditch gear. Shortly after that, though Remus is always bad at keeping track of time while he’s reading, but it can’t be long after that, he’s hit full force right in his face by a pillow.</p><p>“Au! Prongs! What the bloody hell?”</p><p>James is standing in front of him, glaring at him, with one hand on his hip, the other still clenching the pillow. “When I left you and Padfoot alone, I was hoping on a repeat of the House Cup party, or even better, you finally talking about your bloody feelings! At the very least I was expecting to find you happily snuggled up together, but I definitely did not expect to find you alone in the common room reading a damned book, while Padfoot is upstairs on his bed crying.”</p><p>“He’s... What?” Remus immediately sits up, book completely forgotten. “Crying? Why? What happened?”</p><p>“That’s what I asked him,” James says. “He said he was just being stupid, crying like a twelve-year-old, because his crush thinks he’s ugly.”</p><p>“What?” Remus eyes go wide. “I didn’t-” He begins to say, before realizing it’s rather presumptuous to think Sirius would have a crush on him. “I mean, that is... If he meant...”</p><p>The pillow hits him in the face again. “Of course he meant you, you idiot! What the fuck did you say to him?”</p><p>“I...” Remus wracks his brain. “I guess I... I did call him scarily thin?”</p><p>James groans. “That’s the last thing you want to hear from the bloke you fancy!”</p><p>“I didn’t mean he looked ugly! For Godrick’s sake...” Remus is starting to sound desperate by now. “He’s beautiful. Of course he’s beautiful. I’ve always thought he’s beautiful, no matter what.”</p><p>“It’s not just that,” James sighs. “He said that you used to look at him with longing, like he was someone you wanted, but now you look at him with pity, like he’s someone you feel sorry for.” James gives Remus a sympathetic smile. “And he’s right, Moony. You do.”</p><p>“I can’t help but feel scared for him, Prongs!” Remus exclaims. “And I guess I can’t keep that hidden. Can you really blame me for that?”</p><p>“I don’t blame you!” James says quickly. “Please know that I don’t blame you for anything. Merlin, I’m probably doing the exact same thing! Only Padfoot doesn’t care whether I think he’s attractive or not, but for him to feel unattractive when it comes to you... I’m just saying I can imagine it hurts when you want someone to see you as their object of affection, someone they desire, but you feel like someone sees you as a pitiful case, someone they need to look after.”</p><p>“But I cannot... not feel bad for him. I cannot not be concerned about him,” Remus says. “Of course I’m going to want to look after him, I love him!”</p><p>Remus stares at James with a baffled expression on his face, mouth slightly open and blinking rapidly as he comes to understand what he just said. His voice sounds pleading when he speaks again. “I love him. I really do, James. I love him, I actually love him.”</p><p>“That!” James says with a wide grin on his face. “You need to make sure he knows that!”</p><p> </p><p>“How are you so good at this, Prongs?” Remus asks when he feels a little less overwhelmed by all the emotions. “All this stuff with feelings, and understanding and expressing them?”</p><p>James shrugs. “That’s what happens when you grow up not isolated and thinking you’re a monster, and without parents that torture you for whatever reason they can find; you develop this thing called emotional stability.”</p><p>This time it’s James who gets hit in the face with a pillow.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sirius is losing his confidence... Hopefully it'll get better, and thank Merlin for James.<br/>I'd love to hear what you think, so please leave a comment and come find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy </a>!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Moments of happiness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy fluffy fluff!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus is not good at romantic gestures. But in his defence, he’s never had to make a romantic gesture before.</p>
<p>But now there’s this handsome, sweet, clever and funny boy who, for some reason unbeknownst to Remus, seems to really fancy him, but who has gotten it in his head that Remus is not interested, and that’s absolutely unacceptable.</p>
<p>So a romantic gesture it is.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James was more than happy to help. Remus had to talk some ideas out of his head (“but when the Howler opens, it just screams ‘I FANCY THE PANTS OFF YOU, SIRIUS BLACK! LOVE, REMUS’.” “I... don’t think it’s smart to use a Howler. We don’t want him to panic.” “and then a giant flock of owls comes flying in the Great Hall, each of them carrying a red rose, which they all drop in front of Sirius!” “Eh, well, he actually doesn’t really show up for breakfast anymore, so...”).</p>
<p>But eventually they put something together that Remus is quite happy with, and James is convinced Sirius will love.</p>
<p>Remus looks at the blanket laid out at the bank of the Great Lake. Two burning candles are floating above the blanket, though it’s a clear evening and the scene is mostly illuminated by the soft moonlight. Remus has put a Warming Charm in place against the chill of the evening. A charmed recorded player is softly playing Sirius’s favourite music. James and Remus had gone to the kitchens to get some food they hoped Sirius would enjoy. On the blanket now lay a crispy loaf of freshly baked bread, and some of those French cheeses Sirius likes so much, together with some home-made fig compote. James had gone and told the House-Elves the story of his two best friends falling in love and the romantic surprise Remus was planning. The House-Elves had squealed in delight and baked Remus’s absolute favourite chocolate cake, that they only served sometimes on weekends, shapes like a heart. Remus honestly thought that was a bit much, but the elves were so kind and enthusiastic, Remus just couldn’t say no to them (and honestly, he couldn’t say no to that chocolate cake either). The whole scene was completed by a bottle of sweet mead with two glasses.</p>
<p>Despite all his self-doubt and nerves, even Remus has to admit that it looks very nice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Moony?” Right on cue: the sound of footsteps and Sirius’s voice calling out to him. “Moony, are you there? Are you alright?”</p>
<p>Remus laughs nervously. He had been trying to come up with an excuse to get Sirius to come to him, but James had just grinned and shook his head. “Moony, the minute he can’t find you, he’ll take out the Map and immediately come to find you once he spots you outside alone.” It seems like James was right.</p>
<p>“Moony, there you are! I saw you were out here on your own and I just wanted to make sure-”</p>
<p>Sirius immediately stops talking as he notices the picnic in the moonlight, the floating candles, the soft music, the amazing food.</p>
<p>“What- What is this?”</p>
<p>Sirius is wearing his school robes the way he always wears them: slightly dishevelled. He seems to have thrown on his leather jacket before coming outside, and his hair is hanging loosely over his shoulders, with some strands falling over his face. He’s breath-taking.</p>
<p>“Hi,” is all Remus manages to say, while nervously fidgeting with the sleeve of his sweater.</p>
<p>“Moony, what is this?” Sirius asks again.</p>
<p>“This is... Or well, I was rather hoping this could be... our first date?”</p>
<p>Sirius just stares at him for a moment, then a small smile appears on his lips. “Why, Mr. Lupin. Don’t you think that if you want to take me out on a date, you should ask me first?”</p>
<p>Remus smiles as well. “Well, Mr. Black, would you do me the honour of going on a date with me?”</p>
<p>Sirius teasingly pretends to think about it. “Well, I have to check my agenda...”</p>
<p>Remus huffs a laugh. “If you’re gonna play hard to get, at least try to make it believable! The idea that you would own something even remotely resembling an agenda...”</p>
<p>Sirius holds up his hands in defeat and laughs. “Okay, okay, you caught me!” Then he suddenly takes a step forward, so he and Remus are almost standing chest to chest. “I’d love to go on a date with you, Moony,” he says, his voice now sounding a lot softer.</p>
<p>For a moment, all Remus can do is stare at Sirius in the moonlight, his grey eyes looking like silver. Then he manages to shake himself and grabs Sirius’s hand, pulling him over to the blanket.</p>
<p>“Don’t feel pressured to eat if you don’t want to, just do whatever feels comfortable,” Remus says, once they’ve settled down.</p>
<p>Sirius confidently breaks of a piece of bread, takes a chunk of cheese and starts eating.</p>
<p>Remus beams at him, feeling happy, and proud for some reason. “I tried to get things I know you like, except for the chocolate cake, that might have been mostly self-interest.”</p>
<p>“Well, go on then,” Sirius says, nodding towards the cake.</p>
<p>Remus doesn’t need to be told twice. He grabs a plate, a fork and a large piece of cake. As he takes a bite of his favourite treat, his eyes flutter close and a soft moan escapes his lips at the decadent, rich flavour.</p>
<p>When he opens his eyes again, Sirius is looking at him with an amused expression, one eyebrow raised. “Do you want me to give you and the chocolate cake some privacy?”</p>
<p>Remus slightly blushes as he playfully shoves Sirius. “Shut up. You just don’t understand the amazingness of this cake.”</p>
<p>“I won’t argue with that. I’ve honestly never even tasted it.”</p>
<p>Remus immediately holds his fork with cake out to Sirius. “Here’s your chance.”</p>
<p>Sirius bites the cake off the fork, giving Remus an excuse to stare at his lips and the way they wrap around the fork. “Ah, you’re right, it’s really good.” Sirius looks up at Remus through his lashes. “The only thing I like more than eating this cake, is probably watching you eat this cake.”</p>
<p>Remus grins. “Well, in that case, you’re in luck.” He takes another bite from the cake, making a big show of closing his eyes, moaning at the taste and licking his lips. When he opens his eyes again, Sirius is thoroughly flustered, but smiling.</p>
<p>It feels so natural: acting playful and flirtatious with Sirius. Why had it taken him so long to get here?</p>
<p>It gives him the extra confidence he needs. After all, this is a date, not two bros hanging out. At a moonlit picnic. With floating candles. Feeding each other chocolate cake. Remus shuffles closer to Sirius, who gives him a curious look, as he’s not being subtle at all. But there is really no need to be, is there? Remus reaches out and wraps one arm around Sirius. Sirius beams at him as he understands his intention, and immediately shuffles closer, effectively cuddling up to him.</p>
<p>“This is really great, Re,” he mumbles against Remus’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Remus smiles. “Thank you. Though I must admit, Prongs really helped.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Sirius replies. “I’m surprised he didn’t want to go for his Flock of Owls-idea.”</p>
<p>“Well...”</p>
<p>“Oh Merlin.”</p>
<p>Remus laughs. “In his defence, he had some really good ideas as well!”</p>
<p>Sirius nods. “If Evans would ever give him a chance, she might actually be a very lucky girl.”</p>
<p>“I do think she’s starting to come around,” Remus says.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Sirius agrees. “Our Prongsie has really matured over these last years.”</p>
<p>“I mean, you and Prongs will both always be troublemaking idiots to some extent, but you have become much more serious about-”</p>
<p>“Moony, how could I possibly become even more-”</p>
<p>Remus effectively stops Sirius from making that pun by shoving another piece of cake in his mouth.</p>
<p>Sirius hides his mouth behind his hand while he tries to chew and swallow the bread, and at the same time can’t stop laughing.</p>
<p>After a while, Remus lies down on his back and Sirius is lying half on top of him, head resting on his chest, while Remus threads his fingers through his hair. They look up at the night sky and talk about anything and everything, just like many times before, it feels somehow familiar, but completely new at the same time.</p>
<p>At a certain point, Sirius has turned around and is now resting on his arms looking down at Remus, and Remus notices that Sirius is intently staring at his lips and doesn’t seem to be listening to a word he’s saying anymore, which makes his throat feel dry and his voice die out mid-sentence.</p>
<p>Sirius’s eyes flicker up to meet Remus’s, and he slowly leans in.</p>
<p>“Wait!” Remus pushes himself up into a sitting position, forcing Sirius to sit back on his heels. He looks at Remus with a surprised and unsure expression on his face.</p>
<p>“Before we do this, I need you to know what this means to me, what this is, or at least what I want this to be...” Remus takes a deep breath and looks Sirius in the eye. “Sirius Black, will you be my boyfriend?”</p>
<p>Sirius looks at him with wide eyes, tears rolling over his cheeks, before he finally speaks. “I’m such a mess.”</p>
<p>Remus shrugs. “So am I.”</p>
<p>Sirius softly shakes his head. “Two messes don’t cancel each other out. We won’t be able to fix each other.”</p>
<p>Remus instinctively reaches out and places his hand on Sirius’s cheek, brushing away some of the tears with his thumb. “I don’t need you to fix me. And I don’t want to fix you. We can just... support each other. Give each other small moments of happiness in a world that has been unfairly cruel to the both of us.”</p>
<p>Sirius places his own hand over the hand on his cheek and presses it against his face, while he closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths.</p>
<p>When he opens his eyes again, he moves his hands to the back of Remus’s head and presses their foreheads together.</p>
<p>“Yes,” he whispers against Remus’s lips, before softly pressing his own against them. “I’m yours, Remus Lupin.” Another soft press of lips. “Yes.”</p>
<p>The gold of Remus’s eyes meets the silver of Sirius’s, and now Remus moves forward to capture Sirius’s lips, his boyfriend’s lips, in a proper kiss.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning, Remus is piling up scrambled eggs on his plate, while ignoring James and Peter sitting across from him. Peter is at least pretending to be interested in his pancake, but James has his hands folded underneath his chin and is just looking at Remus with the smuggest grin of smug grins on his face.</p>
<p>Remus tries to act normal, but he can’t help the smile that seems to be permanently attached to his face. He feels like nothing can ruin his day. Merlin, nothing can ruin any day in the foreseeable future, as it is. But apparently, there is something that can make it even better.</p>
<p>Two arms suddenly wrap around him from behind and a kiss is placed at the corner of his mouth. Remus stares pleasantly surprised at Sirius, who hasn’t been showing up for breakfast anymore for weeks, but now happily sits down next to Remus and starts buttering a piece of toast.</p>
<p>Remus reaches out to give him a proper good morning kiss, only afterwards remembering that they’re in the middle of the Great Hall. The Great Hall that has gotten uncommonly quiet.</p>
<p>Sirius laces their fingers together and softly squeezes Remus’s hand. Of course, Remus feels incredibly proud that this beautiful, wonderful person is with him, but he can’t help but also feel uncomfortable and anxious with all those eyes focussed on him, and the pressing silence is just making it worse.</p>
<p>“So,” Peter suddenly loudly breaks the silence, startling all three other Marauders. “I was trying to restrain myself, but now I’m just gonna go and ask it: is anyone going to eat that last pancake?”</p>
<p>Remus and Sirius both blink at him a couple of times, then they burst out in laughter, promptly followed by James. This seems to be the cue for the rest of the Great Hall to continue their conversations. Though many conversations are undoubtedly about them, based on all the stares and all the pointing, for now, it doesn’t matter.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you still need help with your Potions essay, Moony?” James asks, as they walk towards Herbology for their first class of the day. “I got a free period before lunch, or is Padfoot already helping you?”</p>
<p>“No, that would actually be great,” Remus replies. “I’m free that time as well, but my boyfriend has got Advanced Arithmancy Studies, because my boyfriend is both handsome and smart, so we can study together and then we’ll meet up with my boyfriend for lunch.”</p>
<p>James gives Remus an amused look. “You do realise that I actually know his name, right? You don’t have to refer to him as ‘my boyfriend’.”</p>
<p>Remus grins at James. “I know.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Lupin!” Fabian and Gideon sit down across from Remus as he’s waiting on James in the library.</p>
<p>Remus looks up from his essay. “Hello?”</p>
<p>Fabian sighs. “I don’t know whether I should be excited that the fittest bloke in school is batting for our team, or upset that he’s already taken.”</p>
<p>Remus points his quill at Fabian. “Don’t get any ideas, Prewett.”</p>
<p>Fabian laughs and throws his hands up in defeat. “No worries, Lupin! I wouldn’t dare mess with Hogwarts’ new power couple!”</p>
<p>“But for real though,” Gideon adds. “Congrats. You make a great couple, and we hope you can help him with whatever he’s going through.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lily wraps Remus in a hug the moment he steps into the common room to switch his books before lunch.</p>
<p>“I’m so happy for you, Remus,” she whispers in his ear before she lets him go. “Of course, I don’t know what’s going on, but we’ve all been so worried about Sirius. It’s just such a relief to know that he has someone as wonderful as you by his side. He’s very lucky to have you.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Remus replies. “I’m very lucky to have him as well.”</p>
<p>Lily smiles at him. “And you both deserve all the luck in the world.”</p>
<p>Lily turns around as Sirius steps through the portrait hole. “Black!” Sirius startles and looks up at her. “Know that if you break his heart, I will break your arm again.”</p>
<p>“As will be no more than I deserve,” Sirius replies solemnly.</p>
<p>Lily winks at Remus before disappearing up the stairs towards the girls’ dormitory.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Marlene comes up behind Remus as he walks towards the Great Hall at the end of the day. “Way to go, Lupin!” She grins like the cat that got the cream. “Sirius Black, nicely done.”</p>
<p>Remus rolls his eyes, but blushes nonetheless.</p>
<p>“But all joking aside,” Marline says. “I’m glad to see good things happening to Sirius.” She turns around to face Remus, before walking away. “I really hope you can make him happy again, Remus.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus still feels overwhelmed by all the attention, but it’s also heart-warming how much everyone has noticed Sirius’s struggles, how worried they have been, and how much they want him to be happy. It confirms how they all think the world of Sirius. As Remus steps into the Great Hall, and spots his boyfriend smiling at him and excitedly waving him over, as if he’d ever go anywhere else, he thinks that they’re definitely onto something.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I tried to make this a nice, sweet, happy chapter! Let me know if I succeeded.<br/>You can come chat to me on Tumblr: <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a> to talk about this fic or anything else.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Anything for you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warning: talk of eating disordered thoughts and behaviours</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry this chapter took a while! But I'm glad to be giving you a new chapter now!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius was right that being a couple doesn’t fix everything, doesn’t make the bad stuff go away.</p><p>Sirius still has to find a way to deal with his trauma, is still chased by chilling memories and scary and unfamiliar emotions he can no longer push away. And with his poor eating and sleeping behaviour, he’s having trouble in keeping up his performance in class, struggling in tasks that used to come easy to him.</p><p>Full moons still come once a month, as they tend to do, and nothing can prevent Remus from having to go through that pain. He still feels like a monster sometimes, unworthy of love, especially when it comes to someone as wonderful as Sirius. On the days closely preceding or following the full moon he’s reminded more than usual of what he is and why werewolves normally don’t do relationships, don’t start families. Not only is it far too dangerous, he’ll be condemning Sirius to a life of poverty, prejudice and stigma. Sirius, who deserves the world.</p><p>But Remus was also right; having each other during these bad times makes things just a little easier.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>For instance, the evening on which Sirius had fallen asleep on Remus’s bed. Nothing more intimate than kissing had happened. Sirius had lain down on Remus’s bed and Remus was reading him parts from his favourite book, while they were cuddled up together. The reading was only interrupted by sharing a kiss, some playful and innocent, others a bit more passionate. When one kiss was starting to get slightly more heated, Remus had slid his hands underneath Sirius’s shirt, but Sirius had grabbed his wrist and whispered “don’t”.</p><p>Remus had, of course, immediately removed his hands and placed one of them on Sirius’s cheek.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Sirius had mumbled. “It’s not that I... I’m just not...”</p><p>“Happy with the way you look right now.” Remus had finished his sentence.</p><p>A nod.</p><p>Remus had felt conflicted. If he’s completely honest, he doesn’t like the way Sirius looks, because it clearly shows that he’s not doing well, and Remus wants him to be well. But at the same time, Sirius is beautiful no matter what, and Remus hates that he’s ashamed of the way he looks.</p><p>Remus had spoken while softly stroking Sirius’s cheek. “You don’t ever have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. But please now that I think every part of you is beautiful, and if I ever make you feel like I want you to look differently, if I ever look at you like I don’t like what I see, know that it’s only because I’m worried for your health and your well-being, and I just want you to be okay.”</p><p>“I know.” Sirius was hiding his face against Remus’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m making everything so difficult.”</p><p>“No, Siri,” Remus had whispered. “It’s okay.”</p><p>And that’s how they had fallen asleep, together on Remus’s bed.</p><p> </p><p>Remus wakes up from a soft noise. It takes him a moment to remember that he’s not alone, and it takes him another moment to realise that the noise is coming from Sirius.</p><p>Remus pushes himself up on his elbows. “Padfoot?”</p><p>Sirius has his eyes clenched shut and his head thrown to the side. His fists are gripping the bedsheet, while he’s mumbling in his sleep.</p><p>“No... N-ngh, no. Mmh... No, please. Ah... Don’t.”</p><p>“Sirius.” Remus softly shakes him from the nightmare he’s obviously having.</p><p>Sirius eyes fly open and he sits up, frantically looking around the room and breathing heavily.</p><p>“Sirius...” Remus gently touches Sirius’s shoulder.</p><p>Startled, Sirius recoils and whips his head around. He stares at Remus with an absent, bewildered expression in his eyes.</p><p>Remus holds his hand up in a reassuring gesture. “It’s just me, Siri, just me. You’re safe, you’re at school, no one is going to hurt you here.”</p><p>Sirius blinks at him a couple of times, his expression becoming softer as he seems to realise where he is. He lies back down on his back, closing his eyes and breathing in and out. Remus looks at him for a moment, and then carefully curls up against him, head resting on his chest. He listens and waits until Sirius’s breathing evens out.</p><p>“This is why you place a Silencing Spell on your bed at night.” It’s not a question. Remus feels stupid. Of course this is why Sirius uses a Silencing Spell. Why else? Remus should have known. Or perhaps deep down he did know, but just didn’t want to acknowledge it.</p><p>“I didn’t want to wake anybody,” Sirius whispers.</p><p>Remus’s fist tightens around the fabric of Sirius’s shirt. “We could have helped you! Remember when I was still alone during the full moons, and they were still so rough, and I used to have nightmares the days after? You or James would wake me and sit with me for a while, and then I’d sleep better after.”</p><p>“That was only a few days, not every night.”</p><p>Remus squeezes his eyes shut. Every night. No wonder Sirius looks so tired, to be plagued by those traumas every night.</p><p>“And besides,” Sirius continues. “I wake up during the night sometimes, but when I fall back asleep, they just come back.”</p><p>“You could ask Madam Pomfrey for Dreamless Sleep Potion?” Remus suggests.</p><p>“Yeah,” Sirius replies hesitantly. “But you know what Madam Pomfrey is like. She’s against taking potions as a quick fix. She’ll want to know what kind of dreams I’m having and why.”</p><p>“Would that be so bad?” Remus pops himself up on one elbow to look at Sirius. “I know you said you don’t want anyone to know, because you don’t want people at Hogwarts to look at you differently, but lets be honest, Sirius. Everyone already knows there’s something going on with you, that you’re struggling.”</p><p>“But Madam Pomfrey is the school nurse, what if she’s obligated to report it to the authorities if she knows the truth?”</p><p>“Would that be so bad?” Remus asks again.</p><p>Sirius sighs. “The way I see it, there are only two options. First one is that my parents get charged. That’ll be a massive scandal. Everyone will find out the details and everyone will talk about how my own parents hate me so much they’d rather see me dead. But the second option is much more likely if you ask me. They’ll use their money and influence and won’t get charged at all. Can you imagine how mad they’ll be?”</p><p>Remus feels Sirius shudder at the thought. “It doesn’t matter how mad they’ll be!” Remus says. “You won’t be around them anymore ever again.”</p><p>“But Regulus will,” Sirius argues.</p><p>“They don’t hate Regulus.”</p><p>“But they know I love him.” Sirius shakes his head. “Their hatred for me outweighs their sympathy for Regulus. If they can use Regulus to get to me, that’s a sacrifice they’d be willing to make.”</p><p>Remus sighs and places his head back on Sirius’s chest. “I hate this,” he murmurs.</p><p>After that night, Sirius makes sure to only fall asleep in his own bed, Silencing Spell firmly in place.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Or when the next full moon was about to happen. Remus had, as usual, been feeling weak, aching and just all around sick the days preceding. Sirius had been nothing less that doting. He was truly acting like the perfect boyfriend, no doubt wanting to take his chance to be caring and supporting and fret over Remus the way Remus has so often been fretting over him.</p><p>Skipping class to sit on Remus’s bed and read him his favourite book, making sure there’s a glass of fresh water besides his bed at all times, sneaking all the foods upstairs he knows Remus can tolerate best at this time, making him his favourite tea before bedtime, running his hand comforting through his hair.</p><p>Remus loved it. In these fearful times, he relished in having Sirius within reach at all times, taking great comfort in his boyfriend’s presence.</p><p> </p><p>When the full moon had come and gone, Remus wakes up in the Hospital Wing, sore and aching, and only a fuzzy memory of the previous night, to find Sirius curled up against him, head tucked in the crook of his neck and fast asleep. Remus almost automatically tightens his arms around him, and looks at Madam Pomfrey, who’s standing at the foot of the bed, questioningly. She’s normally very strict when it comes to visitors outside of visiting hours.</p><p>Madam Pomfrey gives him a small smile. “I’m probably going to regret this, but I didn’t have the heart to wake him up to send him away,” she whispers.</p><p><em>‘Thank you’</em> Remus mouths.</p><p>Normally, Remus stays in the Hospital Wing until the afternoon before going to rest in the dorm, but Sirius remains vastly asleep, and Remus doesn’t even consider waking him up.</p><p>Sirius finally wakes up by the end of the day, looking ruffled and drowsily, and absolutely adorable. When Madam Pomfrey comes to bring Remus his Strengthening Potion before he leaves the Hospital Wing, she wordlessly hands Sirius one as well.</p><p>Sirius and Remus just lie on Remus’s bed in their dorm for the rest of the evening, with James and Peter stealing them food from the kitchens.</p><p> </p><p>The gravity of the situation doesn’t sink in for Remus until the next day after class, when Peter wants to have a conversation. Insecure, nervous Peter, who obviously had to muster up all his courage to address the situation with his friends.</p><p>“I think we should talk about the last full moon.”</p><p>Remus pales and his pulse quickens. Did he do something last full moon that his friends didn’t tell him about?</p><p>Peter speaks quickly, as if he’s afraid he won’t dare to say it anymore otherwise. “I don’t think Padfoot should be transforming into his animal form and back, and run around with a werewolf all night in the state he’s in right now.”</p><p>Sirius glares at him. “Nothing went wrong now, did it?”</p><p>“You were almost out of it as much as Remus was the next morning!”</p><p>Remus shivers, not having realised just how much Sirius had jeopardized his own health for him.</p><p>Sirius scoffs. “I’m fine.”</p><p>“Having two friends in the Hospital Wing the next morning instead of one can’t be why we became Animagii in the first place!”</p><p>“What do you suggest then, Pete?” Sirius asks through gritted teeth. “That we just leave Moony to his own devices, allow him to mutilate himself, because otherwise I might feel a bit drowsy the next morning?”</p><p>“I want to help Moony, mate,” James says. “But we have to be careful with this. Keeping a grown werewolf in check is a huge responsibility, and if something happens to you, I can’t do it alone.”</p><p>“I know you can’t do it alone, that’s why I need to be there! I have to be there for Moony, I just have to...”</p><p>“Sirius...” Remus says, feeling a lump in his throat.</p><p>“I’d hate to leave Moony locked in there, Pads, you know I do” James says in a strained voice. “But think about what would happen if we fail in keeping the wolf under control? Someone could get hurt, or worse, and what do you think that’ll do to Moony? What do you think will happen to him?”</p><p>Sirius opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again, knowing James and Peter are right. Taking the wolf out while he doesn’t know if he’ll be strong enough is too much of a risk, and any incident might be the end for Remus. He adverts his gaze and looks at the ground.</p><p>Remus feels dread spread through his body at the thought of being locked in that shack again for the duration of the full moon, waking up to feel a collection of new wounds waiting to become scars spread over his body, but he tries to not show it. He pulls a distraught Sirius in a hug. “It’s alright, I understand, I’m going to be fine.”</p><p>“And it’s not forever, mate,” James adds. “Once you’re feeling better, we can continue our monthly explorations.”</p><p>“Yes,” Peter chimes in. “All you have to do is start eating properly and regain some strength, and you can protect Moony again!”</p><p> </p><p>Sirius tries. Merlin, he really tries, and Remus sees it. He eats a lot at dinner that evening, and also for breakfast and lunch the following day, and for a moment, Remus almost believes it’s all going to be okay, that this was just the incentive Sirius needed.</p><p>Until the next dinner arrives.</p><p>James and Peter are loudly discussing whether Ravenclaw or Hufflepuf has a stronger Quidditch team this year, and aren’t paying much attention, but Remus notices how Sirius is awfully quiet, staring at his plate with a pale face, and pushing around the food on his plate with his fork.</p><p>“You okay?” Remus whispers.</p><p>Sirius looks up startled, and nods. He puts on a determined look, sits up straight and starts eating. After a while, however, Remus notices that Sirius is eating slower and breathing faster. He places a hand on Sirius’s leg and feels he’s trembling.</p><p>“Siri...”</p><p>Sirius’s fork drops on his plate with a loud clatter, causing James and Peter to stop their conversation and look up.</p><p>Sirius hides his face in his trembling hands, but his breaths just becomes quicker and quicker.</p><p>“Sorry...” He mumbles, before getting up from his seat and rushing out of the Great Hall.</p><p>Remus gets up as well, and immediately hurries after him.</p><p> </p><p>Remus finds Sirius sitting on the floor in front of his bed, his back against the wood and his knees tucked against his chest, on the verge of hyperventilation now.</p><p>Remus kneels down in front of him, not daring to touch him just yet. “Breathe, Sirius, just breathe. Take your time, don’t worry, it’s okay, everything’s okay.”</p><p>Sirius breaths in and out, until his breathing doesn’t come in fits and starts anymore, and he’s able to speak.</p><p>“I’m really letting you down, aren’t I?” Sirius is not meeting Remus’s eyes.</p><p>Remus frowns. “How so?”</p><p>“I can do so little to help you, and now I messed up the only thing I was able to, because I’m too useless and too weak.”</p><p>“You’re not.” Remus hates hearing Sirius repeat his parents’ words.</p><p>“And the only thing I need to do to be able to protect you is so bloody simple, and I can’t even do it!” Sirius continues as if he hasn’t heard Remus. “You must think so little of me.”</p><p>“I could never think little of you,” Remus says. “But please help me understand. Please talk to me. Why is eating so difficult for you?”</p><p>Sirius says nothing for a while, and Remus begins to think he won’t answer, but then he talks, his voice sounding small and soft.</p><p>“It’s just always there, you know? It didn’t use to always be there. It used to go away, but now I can’t make it stop. I keep hearing their voices, keep hearing the hatred when they speak their curses, keep seeing that expression on her face, keep feeling that pain. I can’t control it anymore.”</p><p>Sirius makes himself even smaller. “When I don’t eat, when I’m tired and don’t have a lot of energy, it’s like everything gets toned down. These feelings, these memories, they become more... numb. It takes off the sharp edges.”</p><p>“You put your body in survival mode, so it has no resources for anything else,” Remus says.</p><p>“Yeah,” Sirius whispers. “Making sure I need all my energy to deal with my physical health, so I don’t have to deal with my mental health, I guess. I know it sounds stupid, trying to explain it makes me sound stupid, but the feeling of hunger, it’s something I can focus on, so I don’t have to focus on any other feelings. It’s like controlling my hunger is the only way I can control my feelings.”</p><p>“But that’s a false sense of control...” Remus says, struggling to voice how he understands, but fears Sirius’s line of thinking at the same time.</p><p>“I know!” Sirius replies. “I know all that, and I want to be better than this, but it’s like in my head resting, eating and gaining strength are equated to <em>feeling, </em>feeling everythin, and I don't know how to deal with that.”</p><p>Remus stares at him with a sort of hopelessness. “That sounds...”</p><p>“Pathetic, I know.”</p><p>Remus shakes his head. “Exhausting. Having to fight that battle every day without anyone knowing. And what did we do? We made it even more difficult by putting extra pressure on you and making you feel like you were somehow failing me if you didn’t regain your strength fast enough. That was short-sighted and unfair, and I’m sorry.”</p><p>Remus moves forward to sit next to Sirius and takes his hand. Sirius rest his head on Remus’s shoulder.</p><p>“I thought I could do it, you know,” Sirius says. “With your well-being at stake... I would do anything for you.”</p><p>“You would do anything, but that doesn’t mean you can do anything. Some things are a struggle, and keep being a struggle. I know that doesn’t mean you care about me any less.”</p><p>“What would I do without you, Rem?” Sirius murmurs against his shoulder.</p><p>Remus smiles softly. “I’m here, but Merlin, Sirius. I’m afraid this is too much to handle for either of us. You need help.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please leave a comment, and come say hi on Tumblr!</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. You could cost me my life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry it took me quite a while to update! I do want to properly continue with this fic.<br/>Hope you'll at least like this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Have a biscuit, Lupin.”</p><p>Almost automatically, Remus reaches out and takes a biscuit. He starts taking small bites, but hardly tastes anything. Besides him, James, who has been in McGonagall’s office so many times he and Sirius have by now given her a list of their favourite biscuits, is already on his third.</p><p>McGonagall looks patiently from Remus to James, and from James to Remus. She’s waiting for them to speak, but neither Remus nor James knows just how to begin. Eventually, McGonagall seems to realise she’s going to have to steer the conversation a bit more if she wants to get anything out of the two boys.</p><p>“I think,” she says slowly. “And please excuse me if I am being presumptuous, but I think you’re here to address mister Black’s situation?”</p><p>Remus stares down at his hands, unconsciously crumbling the biscuit he’s still holding. From the corner of his eye he can see James nod.</p><p>“Does he know you came to talk to me?” McGonagall asks carefully.</p><p>Remus’s head snaps up. “I wouldn’t go behind his back!” It comes out way sharper than he had intended, and he feels a surge of guilt talking to a professor like this, but McGonagall just smiles softly at him.</p><p>“No, mister Lupin, I did not think you would.”</p><p>Slightly embarrassed, Remus looks down at his knees, and thinks back to the intense conversation that followed when he told Sirius they wanted to talk to professor McGonagall.</p><p> </p><p>“So it’s still not enough.” Sirius sits down on the edge of his bed and stares ahead, but without really looking at anything.</p><p>“Sirius...”</p><p>“No matter what I do, it’s just not enough.”</p><p>“We just want to do what’s best for you.”</p><p>Now Sirius turns his head to Remus. “How come everyone seems to know what’s best for me except for myself?”</p><p>Remus huffs, slightly annoyed. “Because your idea of what’s best for you is pretending like it never happened until it goes away. But it did happen, Sirius, and it’s not going to go away.”</p><p>“And what’s crying to McGonagall going to do for me? Besides having yet another person to see me as a pathetic pity case.”</p><p>“It might do you some good! To hear the opinion of a rational adult, someone we trust. It might do us some good as well, to be able to share this-” Remus stops himself before he says it, but it’s too late.</p><p>Sirius’s eyes narrow. “Come on Remus, just say it.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean-”</p><p>“Yes, you did. And why wouldn’t you? Burden, as you were going to say, that’s what I am, to you, to James, to Peter.”</p><p>“Padfoot,” Remus says pleading. “If you would just try-”</p><p>“<em>Try</em>?” Sirius gets up on his feet. “Is that what you think? That I haven’t been trying hard enough, and everything will get better if I’d just <em>try</em>? Like I don’t want to lock myself up in the bathroom and not come out when I’m having a bad day, like I don’t want to take the Invisibility Cloak and disappear when something triggers a particularly bad memory, like I don’t feel like screaming every time I see you and James exchange one of your pitying looks, like my every urge every minute of every day is not to run away and hide, just to avoid having to talk about it. But I do stay. And I do talk. And I’m shite at talking, and it scares me, and I can never find the right words, but I do it. And I do it for you. Because I know you worry even more when I close myself off, because I know how much it means to you when I trust you with these things. It goes against everything I’ve ever taught myself, and it’s such a struggle all the time, but I try so hard... for you.” Sirius averts his eyes and stares at the ground, voice thick with emotion. “So please stop asking me for more, and please don’t accuse me of not trying.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Remus says with a pang of guilt. “I’m so sorry for not recognizing everything you’re already doing, for seeming to be taking it all for granted, while I know what a fight it must be for you every day.”</p><p>Sirius sits back down on the bed and holds his hand out to Remus, who takes it, sits down next to him and wraps his arms around him.</p><p>“I know how difficult it is for you to open up and be vulnerable,” Remus whispers. “And I’m beyond thankful that you’ve been working so hard to do so with me, James and Peter. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to work so hard, but to still feel like you’re doing the bare minimum, because others can’t acknowledge that what might come easy for them, is such a struggle for you.”</p><p>Sirius hides his face in Remus’s neck, and Remus feels grateful that they can say all the wrong things to each other, but in the end still be each other’s comfort. “I don’t want this to become a part of me,” Sirius says in a muffled voice against his neck. “If only the ones in my small circle, my closest friends, know about it, it still gives me hope that I can learn to deal with it and then leave it behind me. But if more people know, if more people look at me and immediately associate me with abuse, immediately see me as broken, I’m afraid I can never get away from it anymore.”</p><p>“I get it,” Remus says. “I get it. When more people know about it, the more real it becomes. But it’s only McGonagall. You can trust her and she already worries about you anyway...”</p><p>“I know,” Sirius says. “And I do trust her, but I’m still having trouble acknowledging it to my closest friends. Telling anyone else feels like acknowledging it to the rest of the world, and I’m just not ready for that.”</p><p>Normally, Remus would’ve dropped it and succumbed to Sirius’s wishes, but the urge to consult an adult they trust, the need for McGonagall’s advice, is just too big. “McGonagall can actually help you...”</p><p>“You can help me,” Sirius says. “James and Peter can help me.”</p><p>“That’s not fair, Sirius,” Remus replies in a pained voice. “We may act like we know it all, but in truth, we’re barely more than children. I’m... glad that you have so much faith in us, but what if it’s misplaced? What if we can’t give what you need?”</p><p>Sirius stays silent, and after a moment Remus continues.</p><p>“I’m scared, Padfoot,” he says softly. “I’m scared that something bad is going to happen to you, and I’ll have to spend the rest of my life wondering ‘what if?’. What if I hadn’t been arrogant enough to think that I could handle this on my own? What if I had warned someone more capable than a bunch of teenagers? What if I had gotten you the help you needed in time? What if-”</p><p>Sirius interrupts him by kissing him. “Moony,” he says as he pulls back. “Stop it. You talk like you think I’m going to die. I’m fine, Moony. Or I’m going to be fine, at least. I’m just going through a rough patch, but I’ll be alright.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Remus says, but his voice is hoarse and he can hardly make himself audible. “Yeah,” he repeats after scraping his throat. “Yeah, of course you are.” But he can’t shake the frightful feeling permanently lodged deep inside his chest.</p><p>“I don’t want you, or James, or Peter, to feel responsible for my well-being,” Sirius says, after a moment of contemplation. “It’s not your responsibility, and it should not be your responsibility.” Sirius looks at Remus intently for a while, then he sighs. “If it gives you peace of mind, you can talk to McGonagall. Just don’t ask me to do so.”</p><p>Remus hugs him. “Thank you,” he mumbles.</p><p>“Moony?” Sirius asks hesitantly. “If I ever do become a burden...”</p><p>Remus releases him to look him in the eye. “You’re not.”</p><p>“No, but if I ever become-”</p><p>“You won’t.”</p><p>Sirius chuckles. “Even you can’t deny that I’m a lot. I feel like I’m constantly either upset, angry or anxious. I’m a lot to deal with right now. Nobody should be in a relationship that drains all their energy. Just promise me, when it ever does become too much, when I’m costing you more than I’m giving you, promise me that you’ll put yourself and your own well-being first, and end things with me?”</p><p>“I promise.” Remus has no trouble saying it. It’s an easy promise to make, he thinks, as he hugs Sirius again. After all, Sirius could cost him his life, and he’d still give him more than he’d cost him.</p><p> </p><p>“It is clear mister Black is not doing very well, and he has seemed little like himself lately,” McGonagall says. “Besides my own observations, I have received worried accounts from almost all of his teachers. Of course, whatever you want to say to me will be strictly confidential if you wish it to be so, and I would be very grateful for any information you can give, as I have been very worried myself as well.”</p><p>It’s James who eventually manages to say it. “Sirius is... being abused at home.”</p><p>A pained look passes over McGonagall’s face and there’s sadness with a hint of guilt in her eyes. “I must say, from what I know of Orion and Walburga Black, I have always been worried that they would not handle it very well that their son’s choices are so far apart from what they probably consider suitable for a Black. I just hoped, and I now see it was a foolish hope, that they would respect his choices, for the sake of him being their son, and not make him feel inferior because of it.”</p><p>Remus realises what McGonagall must be thinking. At abuse, she’s thinking of Sirius’s parents criticizing him because he’s not living his life the way they would’ve wanted. And that’s already making her so sad. She doesn’t even know half of it yet, has no idea of the true extent. Well, Remus thinks, they started know, they might as well go all in.</p><p>Apparently, James thinks the same. “That’s not it,” he says. “Or not only it. Of course, it’s part of it. The emotional abuse. I mean, his parents are constantly telling him how he has disappointed them and how worthless he is, so much that I’m afraid deep down he has started to believe it. But there’s also the physical abuse.”</p><p>McGonagall pales. “Physical?”</p><p>James nods. “They hurt him. Really bad. A lot.”</p><p>“Do they... hit him?”</p><p>James glances at Remus, who has had the most intimate conversations with Sirius, and has the best knowledge of Orion and Walburga Black’s parenting style.</p><p>“Not often,” Remus says. “His father sometimes does, when he really loses his temper, but his mother disapproves of it.”</p><p>“His mother tries to stop his father from hurting him?” McGonagall asks.</p><p>Remus understands how her mind interprets it as the poor mother trying to protect her child from the violent father. Time to burst that bubble as well. “She’s not against hurting him. If anything, she’s the worst of the two. She just doesn’t like the punching or the slamming against walls. She says it’s what muggles would do, and therefore far beneath them. She prefers to use magic, as a curse is much more efficient and cleaner when you want to punish someone.” Remus shrugs. “It causes more pain with less effort, and doesn’t make such a mess.”</p><p>“It’s alright to violently assault your own son, as long as you don’t do it in a tacky way, right?” James adds, with the same bitterness as Remus seeping through in his voice.</p><p>McGonagall now looks actually shocked. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths to steady herself, to become the composed and resolute person the boys know her to be, the boys need her to be right now. “Are they safe, Sirius and his brother? Do they need help getting out of that house? Do they need help finding a safe place?”</p><p>“For now, they’re safe at Hogwarts, of course. And Sirius is never going back there,” James says firmly. “He can stay with one of us. At least, I know that my parents would love to have him.”</p><p>“And I don’t think Regulus would want to leave,” Remus adds. “He really cares about Sirius, but their parents don’t hurt him, so I don’t believe he’s in any danger.”</p><p>“And mister Black’s health?” McGonagall continues. “Besides him not taking proper care of himself. Does he need extra medical care for any injuries?”</p><p>James shakes his head. “I believe they took very good care of him at St Mungo’s.”</p><p>McGonagall’s eyes widen. “St Mungo’s? They hurt him so bad he had to go to the hospital?” Her shocked astonishment is clear.</p><p>Remus realises that McGonagall still doesn’t know just how bad it has actually been, still doesn’t comprehend the true extent of the Blacks’ cruelty, if you can ever comprehend such a thing. He almost feels guilty to upset her more.</p><p>James, however, is unrelenting. “Eight times. We found him in St Mungo’s this summer, and that time, they had almost <em>killed</em> him.”</p><p>McGonagall turns her head to Remus, almost begging him to contradict James, to say this is just his typical over-exaggerating. Remus has no comfort to give.</p><p>“The Healers were afraid he wasn’t going to wake up anymore,” Remus says, and after a silence he speaks again. “They used the Cruciatus curse on him.”</p><p>James snaps his head towards Remus, as he wasn’t aware of this last bit of information either. McGonagall clenches and unclenches her fist. When Remus looks at her face, he sees an expression he has never seen on her before. After looking at her for a while, he realises that it’s anger. Not the exasperated frustration as when James and Sirius secretly transfigured the tea cups of the Slytherins into loudly screeching crows instead of rabbits, but real, blazing anger.</p><p>“That curse is a one-way ticket to Azkaban,” she says through gritted teeth.</p><p>Remus shakes his head. “No, Sirius doesn’t want to charge them. He’s afraid... He’s afraid of many things. He’s afraid his parents will use their money and influence to escape prosecution, and he’ll end up just making them more angry, he’s afraid they will hurt Regulus to get to him, he’s afraid it will be a scandal and everyone will find out about it, and with him being almost of age and almost able to leave anyway, it doesn’t seem worth the trouble to him.”</p><p>McGonagall takes another deep breath. “What do you need from me?” She asks.</p><p>It doesn’t sound impatient or frustrated, but it’s said in an open and inviting tone: I’m here. What do you need? How can I help?</p><p>“Sirius isn’t...” Remus hesitates for a moment. “He’s not handling it very well. He’s used to pushing it away and pretending like it’s not real, but after this summer, with how bad it has been and us finding out about it, he can’t push it away anymore, but he can’t deal with it either. Don’t get me wrong, he tries very hard, but he just doesn’t know how. He has no idea how to work through what he has experienced or how to express his emotions. He’s... He’s hardly sleeping, hardly eating, anxious all the time and not able to concentrate on any of his school work. I don’t-” Remus suddenly chokes up, and he needs to swallow before he can continue, and even when he does, it’s in a trembling voice. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to help him, but I feel like I can’t, and I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>McGonagall looks at him with so much sympathy it’s almost overwhelming. “I am sure you are already doing a great deal more than you are even aware of. Just being there for him, getting him to talk about it, him being able to trust you. But you must remember that you are not responsible for his well-being.”</p><p>Remus lets out a shaky laugh. “Yeah, that’s exactly what he said.”</p><p>“With your permission, I shall discuss with Madam Pomfrey,” McGonagall continues. “To see what options there are and what we can offer in terms of counselling, mental health support and help in acquiring better coping skills. Do you think mister Black will agree to talk to me?”</p><p>“I don’t know...”</p><p>“I will not ask him to talk about what has happened,” McGonagall reassures Remus. “He does not even have to talk about how he is doing. We can just go over the options together and he can indicate what he might be willing to do.”</p><p>“He won’t do it for himself,” Remus answers, and he looks over at James. “But I think he’ll do it for us.”</p><p>“Well,” McGonagall says with a kind smile. “I am very glad he has you then.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading, and leaving a comment would be so very kind.<br/>I'd also love it if you want to chat on Tumblr: <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/></p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Just try</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Padfoot, are you losing to <em>Wormtail</em>?” James asks, as he flops down on the chair next to Peter.</p><p>“Oi!” Peter protests. Sirius and he are sitting in the corner of the common room playing Exploding Snap. “I’ve actually gotten a lot better, and I think I... Nah, who am I kidding? Yeah, Pads, it’s quite bad that you’d lose to me.”</p><p>Remus sits down on the arm rest of Sirius’s chair and gives him a quick kiss.</p><p>“How’d it go?” Sirius, who obviously hadn’t been able to keep his attention on the game, asks. He brushes a thumb over Remus’s cheek and gives him a worried look. “Have you’ve been crying?”</p><p>“It went well,” Remus quickly says. “Great even. It was really good to talk to McGonagall. Only telling her what happened was a reminder of everything you’ve been through, so of course that upsets me.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Sirius says, but Remus shakes his head.</p><p>“You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. Anyway, McGonagall said she’ll discuss options with Madam Pomfrey.”</p><p>“Options?” Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Options what for?”</p><p>“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Remus immediately makes clear. “Just, maybe you’ll like to talk to someone, to process everything that’s happened, or someone might be able to help you cope with your emotions.”</p><p>Sirius blinks at him, like he never considered that kind of support to be an option before.</p><p>“McGonagall really wants to help you,” Remus adds.</p><p>“And she didn’t...” Sirius begins hesitantly. “I mean, if anyone knows what a trouble maker I can be, it’s her. She didn’t think... If my own parents would do something like that... She didn’t think I probably deserved it?”</p><p>“Are Moony and I in detention for hexing a teacher?” James asks.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“Well, then she obviously said no such thing.”</p><p>“McGonagall would never,” Remus confirms. “She was as great as you’d expect of her.”</p><p>“Well, what I didn’t expect was the rage!” James says. “Honestly, Pads, I’ve never seen her so mad! I swear she wanted to punch your mum.”</p><p>This seems to brighten Sirius up significantly. “Really?” He asks with a huge grin. “Merlin, I’d pay to see that.”</p><p> </p><p>Despite Remus’s and James’s briefing, Sirius startles when about a week later McGonagall addresses him after class. “Black, may I speak with you for a moment?”</p><p>“Can I bring Remus?” Sirius blurts out. He flushes. “I’m sorry. That sounds stupid. Like I’m some kid asking to bring his mother. Not that I ever wanted to bring my mother. More in general. Not me specifically. I mean, bringing my mother when I was scared would have been rather counterproductive, as she’d probably be the reason I was scared. I don’t think I’ve ever voluntarily brought my mother anywhere. Nor she me. Except if you count St Mungo’s. But that’s probably why you want to speak with me in the first place. You know what? I’m going to stop talking now.”</p><p>McGonagall smiles at him in a way that Remus would almost call fond. “Of course mister Lupin can come. It would be good to have someone from your support system present.” She turns around and walks to her office.</p><p>Sirius gives Remus a small smile. “Well, my support system?”</p><p>Remus just smiles back and grabs Sirius’s hand as they walk after McGonagall.</p><p> </p><p>“I know you do not feel comfortable talking about what happened or how you are doing, so I am not going to ask you to,” McGonagall begins. “Instead, I will just do the talking, but if there is anything you want to say or ask, feel free to interrupt me at any time.”</p><p>“ ‘Feel free to interrupt me at any time’,” Sirius repeats with a smirk. “I bet you never thought you’d ever be saying that to me, professor.”</p><p>Remus squeezes his hand, but McGonagall just rolls her eyes, suppressing a smile.</p><p>“Madam Pomfrey and I have arranged what is hopefully a way to support you,” she continues. “After the Christmas break, we can have a counsellor at Hogwarts. A professional in well-being and mental health. Everything you will discuss with him or her will naturally be strictly confidential, but if you, at a later stage, wish to press charges, the file can be used as your official statement, so that you do not have to repeat yourself to even more strangers. Only if you ever decide that you want to, of course. Otherwise, it will never be seen by anyone else.”</p><p>Sirius just gives a small nod, and McGonagall goes on.</p><p>“It is also completely up to you what you want this counsellor to do for you, and how much you want to share. He or she can give you general advice on how to take better care of yourself, teach you how to challenge wrong ideas you may have about yourself, or for instance help you in dealing with a panic attack. If you do choose to talk about what has happened, you can investigate what specific thoughts or feelings this has given you, and whether these are helpful or legitimate, what situations might trigger you, and how to cope with your trauma whilst still acknowledging it.”</p><p>“That sounds... good,” Sirius says hesitantly “But I don’t know if I can... What if I try, but it just doesn’t...”</p><p>“Padfoot,” Remus says. “This isn’t something you can succeed or fail at, or something you have to be good at. This is something you can just... try. Of course we’ll care whether it helps you, because we want you to be okay, but nobody will think any less of you if it doesn’t, or if you’re struggling with putting it to practice.”</p><p>“It’s not that I’m afraid you’ll think less of me per se,” Sirius says. “You’re all just trying so hard to help me, and I don’t want you to get your hopes up just for me to... let you down.”</p><p>“Sirius,” Remus says. “You’re good at many things, and people expect a lot from you in many areas, but talking about your emotions isn’t one of them.”</p><p>Sirius laughs, and the tension seems to ease out of him. “Right. I guess I don’t have to worry about not living up to your expectations when it comes to that.”</p><p>“Honestly,” Remus says teasingly. “Just going there in the first place is already exceeding all our expectations.”</p><p>Sirius playfully shoves him, and McGonagall gives Remus a short, appreciative nod.</p><p>McGonagall stops them before they leave her office. “And mister Black,” she says. “You are a good person. Remember that.”</p><p>Sirius blinks at her, swallows, and barely manages to nod before he quickly turns around and leaves.</p><p> </p><p>Remus is happy. Leaving it completely up to Sirius to indicate what he’s comfortable with, will at least convince him to give it a try, and who knows how it’ll go from there.</p><p>As Sirius drags him into a hidden alcove to make out and they barely make it back in time for dinner, Remus, for the first time, feels like everything is going to be alright.</p><p> </p><p>Until one normal Thursday evening he’s climbing the stairs to the dormitory after a late night study session and he hears James’s angry voice.</p><p>“No. Over my dead body. Absolutely not.”</p><p>Remus opens the door and finds Sirius sitting on the edge of the bed, plucking at his sleeve and not meeting Remus’s gaze, and James standing in front of him with his arms crossed over his chest and a dark look on his face.</p><p>James glances from Remus to Sirius. “Does Remus know?” He demands.</p><p>Sirius slightly shakes his head.</p><p>“Know what?” Remus asks, now really feeling uneasy.</p><p>“Padfoot here,” James says pointedly. “Has decided to go home for Christmas Break.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Maybe a bit short, sorry!<br/>As always, I'd love a comment😊<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chosen your side</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus has the weird urge to laugh. This is so ridiculous, it can only be a joke. A very bad joke. Except neither James nor Sirius is showing any sign of amusement.</p>
<p>“No.” Is all that Remus says before walking over to his trunk to put is books away.</p>
<p>“Moony...”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Moony, it’s my-”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Moony, you don’t understand.”</p>
<p>Remus turns away from his trunk to face Sirius. “Well, at least we agree on something! Because I really, really don’t understand.”</p>
<p>“You don’t know what it’s like...” Sirius says.</p>
<p>Remus pinches the bridge of his nose. “Very well. Then please, explain.”</p>
<p>“They’re my family,” Sirius begins.</p>
<p>“That’s bullshit!” James growls. “They’ve never done anything to deserve being called that.”</p>
<p>“Well, it’s all I’ve got,” Sirius replies slightly angry.</p>
<p>“You have me!” Remus argues. “And James, and Peter, and people who actually give a crap about you!”</p>
<p>Sirius’s expression softens a little. “I know. I know, and no one will ever mean more to me than you do, but they’re the only people I’ve known my whole life.” He takes a breath. “They expect me home for Christmas. They said so in their last letter. Which means that if I don’t go, I’ll be directly disobeying them, and well... There’s no going back from that, is there?”</p>
<p>Remus only looks more concerned. “The fact that you’ll never be able to safely face them again if you openly disobey them now, is doing quite the opposite of convincing me it’s a good idea for you to go there.”</p>
<p>Sirius starts plucking at his sleeve again. “Not going home will be giving up on my family forever, Moony. I don’t think I’m ready to do that.”</p>
<p>“It’s not you giving up on them,” James says. “It’s them having thrown away their rights of having you as a son. It’s their fault, not yours.”</p>
<p>“Still,” Sirius says. “I feel like I should at least give them another chance...”</p>
<p>“I get what you’re saying,” Remus says. “And maybe I’d agree if this was an argument about... I don’t know, your behaviour at school, or a disagreement about your career choices, or something like that. Not them having almost killed you!”</p>
<p>“Maybe that was a mistake, where they went too far and now regret it.”</p>
<p>“Or maybe it was a precedent,” James counters. “We’ve heard them talk at St Mungo’s, Sirius. ‘<em>It’s like the rise of You Know Who and his ideals have convinced them even more that they have the right to do whatever they like to whomever they want</em>’. It suggests that it’s only going to get worse.”</p>
<p>“And even if it were true,” Remus adds. “I don’t think ‘my parents trying to kill me was probably a mistake’ is a very good argument to celebrate the holidays together either!”</p>
<p>“It was only once that it escalated like this,” Sirius says desperately.</p>
<p>“You’ve been in the hospital eight times!” Remus reminds him.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Sirius admits. “But this was the only time my life was in real danger.”</p>
<p>James throws his hands up in the air. “Well, then by all means! If from the eight times your parents have put you in the hospital you almost died only once, then I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t all merrily go carolling around the Christmas tree together!”</p>
<p>Sirius looks down at his feet. Remus stares at him intently, like he’s hoping his gaze alone can force Sirius to see reason.</p>
<p>Sirius’s voice is barely more than a whisper when he finally speaks. “Regulus asked me to be there.”</p>
<p>Ah. So there it is.</p>
<p>“He has no right to ask that of you.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s head snaps up. “He has every right! He’s my little brother! I’m supposed to be there for him! If anyone has the right, it’s him.”</p>
<p>“Not at all costs, Sirius!” Remus shouts. “Not at all costs. You’re risking your life by going there. His life is not in danger, but yours will be.”</p>
<p>“Even if they don’t hate him like they hate me, it’s horrible enough just being at that place. The dark, gloomy rooms, the strict rules and pressing silence, the distant, cold treatment. During the Christmas break we only ever had each other. Hiding from our parents, Regulus convincing the house elf to give us sweets, sneaking outside to play in the snow...”</p>
<p>Remus’s mind fills in what Sirius isn’t saying. Sirius taking the blame when their mother caught them, Sirius telling Regulus to stay in his room, Sirius hiding his injuries from Regulus the next day...</p>
<p>“All we ever had was each other,” Sirius continues. “I can’t let him be there alone for Christmas.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Remus hisses.</p>
<p>Regulus rubs his arm where Remus had grabbed him. “Normally the person who is roughly dragged into a corridor would ask that question, not the person doing the dragging.”</p>
<p>“Shut up,” Remus bites.</p>
<p>Regulus raises one eyebrow. “First you ask me a question, and then you want me to shut up. You seem confused, Lupin.”</p>
<p>“You know damn well what I want to talk about, Black! How can you ask him to spend Christmas with them?”</p>
<p>Regulus raises his chin defiantly. “Because he’s a Black. It’s where he belongs.”</p>
<p>“With people that have tried to kill him?”</p>
<p>Anger flashes over Regulus’s face. “I’m not going to let one incident break my family apart forever.”</p>
<p>“That whole messed up situation cannot be called a family! You’re holding on to something that’s already lost.” Remus sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Look, Regulus. I understand how you don’t want to give Sirius up, how you want to keep him with you. Believe me, I understand. But you need to do what’s best for him!”</p>
<p>“And you of course know what that is?” Regulus snarls. “It’s not your family, Lupin.”</p>
<p>“They’re not,” Remus says. “You’re not. But he is! He’s my family too, so please think about him and not yourself!”</p>
<p>“Like you’re not thinking about yourself!” Regulus only seems to be getting angrier. “You’d love it, won’t you? To have him alienated from his family, so you can have him all to yourself.”</p>
<p>“Regulus,” Remus says almost begging. “I swear I’m not trying to take your brother from you. He loves you, and nothing can change that.” Remus places a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “You can come too! You don’t have to spend the Christmas break in that dreadful place either. If Sirius goes to my place, or James’s place, you can come with him, and you can be together.”</p>
<p>“Why would I want to be in the company of dirty blood traitors and a filthy half-blood such as you?” Regulus spits.</p>
<p>Remus drops his hand from Regulus’s shoulder so fast as if he’s been burnt and takes a step back.</p>
<p>“So that’s what this is, then? You’ve chosen your side?”</p>
<p>For a second, he sees Regulus is startled at his own words, but he quickly hides it under a mask of haughty indifference.</p>
<p>Remus sadly shakes his head. “This isn’t who you are, Regulus.”</p>
<p>“It is,” Regulus replies coldly. “I’m a Slytherin from the ancient House of Black. This is who I’m meant to be. Who I’m expected to be.”</p>
<p>“Regulus...”</p>
<p>“Stay away from me, Lupin. You may have corrupted my brother, but you won’t corrupt me.” And with those words, Regulus pushes past Remus and stalks through the corridor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus watches him go. Strange enough, he doesn’t feel any anger. Just pity. Being raised in that family and then ending up in that toxic snake-pit Slytherin has recently become, what chance did he have?</p>
<p>But his worries for Regulus are pushed to the side by the absolute certainty that Sirius will not refuse his brother, and Remus is hit with the realization that Sirius really is going home for Christmas break.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, he's still going... Please leave a comment🙂<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Doesn't break that easily</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's been a while, sorry!<br/>I was busy writing Christmas fluff (see my Wolfstar Drabbles - The Christmas Collection).<br/>But here's a new chapter! Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things are tense between Sirius and Remus.</p><p>With Sirius still planning on going home for the Holidays, Remus can’t let go of his fear and worry, and, not being able to accept it, keeps bringing it up.</p><p>Why must you be so stubborn? Why do you think it’ll do anyone any good if you get yourself hurt? Why don’t you see that those people don’t deserve you anyway? Why can’t you take better care of yourself?</p><p>Sirius doesn’t change his mind, though. He just keeps looking at Remus with that sad, guilty expression Remus doesn’t know what to do with. It frustrates him so much, having Sirius right there, but still feeling like he’s slipping away. It’s not uncommon for him to end up snapping at Sirius in the height of his frustration. It only results in Sirius trying to avoid him.</p><p> </p><p>“It sucks, because it’s only because you care so bloody much about each other!”</p><p>Remus gives James a weary look.</p><p>“I mean,” James continues. “You argue with him because you’re scared for his safety if he goes home, and he avoids you because he feels guilty when he sees how much distress he’s causing you. You’re both so scared about the other getting hurt that you’re... well, hurting each other.”</p><p>Remus looks down at his hands, but doesn’t deny it. Knowing Sirius is going home makes him miserable, which makes Sirius miserable, which makes Remus even more miserable. The season to be jolly indeed...</p><p> </p><p>When Remus enters the dorm, Sirius is standing at the window. Anyone else wouldn’t notice anything, but Remus sees the tension in his shoulders, the way his fingers are digging into his arms, the distant look in his eyes that indicates he’s looking, but not actually seeing anything.</p><p><em>He’s scared</em>, Remus thinks. Somehow, he hadn’t thought about it. He had been focused on his own frustration at Sirius’ stubbornness. He hadn’t thought about the fear Sirius must be feeling at the prospect of going back to that place.</p><p>Remus’ first urge is to tell Sirius that if he’s so bloody scared, he could just <em>not go home</em>. He’s ashamed the moment he becomes aware of the thought, though. Sirius is just acting out of some sense of loyalty to his family, however misplaced, and to support his younger brother. Remus knows by now that it won’t matter anyway, Sirius won’t change his mind, so why pick another fight with him and only make it worse? For Godric’s sake, his boyfriend is scared, hurt, and lonely. He needs comfort and support from Remus right now, not his judgment and reproach. He needs to know Remus is on his side no matter what.</p><p>Remus walks up to Sirius and wraps his arms around him from behind. At first, Sirius startles, which confirms to Remus that he had been very far away wrapped up in his thoughts, but then he leans in to the embrace. Remus can feel some of the tension leave his body, and kisses his temple.</p><p>For a moment, neither of them speaks. Then Sirius breaks the silence.</p><p>“Are we... okay?”</p><p>Remus squeezes his hand. “Of course we are. Did you doubt that?”</p><p>Sirius shrugs. “I was afraid I was ruining us. That something had broken.”</p><p>“What we have doesn’t break that easily.”</p><p>“I just hate upsetting you. I’m sorry. I wish I knew how-”</p><p>“Sirius, listen to me,” Remus interrupts. “We had a disagreement. I still disagree with you. I’ll keep disagreeing with you. I’ll keep saying I disagree with you. But that doesn’t mean I care about you any less. That I don’t support you, or that I’m not on you side no matter what you do. Even if I wish with all my heart you’d do something else.”</p><p>Sirius sighs. “That’s... good. Thank you.”</p><p>“I know I haven’t been acting like it lately, haven’t been doing much to show you I’m there for you no matter what. I’m sorry I gave you reason to doubt.”</p><p>“Merlin, Moony. I don’t bloody deserve you.”</p><p>“Well, you have me anyway.”</p><p>Sirius buries his face in Remus’ neck. “And what would I do without you?”</p><p>“I have bad news for you,” Remus chuckles. “You’re never going to find out.”</p><p> </p><p>The train ride is long and they’re all on edge. Yet, the train arrives at King’s Cross much too soon for Remus’ liking.</p><p>Remus himself had been silently staring ahead. James had been sitting across from him, constantly fidgeting. Sirius had been sitting next to him, staring out of the window with an unreadable expression on his face. Remus’ and Sirius’ hands, however, had been firmly clasped together between them.</p><p>They only let go when they need to get their trunks from the rack. James and Peter leave the compartment first, but when Sirius turns to follow, Remus pulls him back. He doesn’t even know what he’s going to say. Ask him not to go one last time?</p><p>Sirius is looking down at him with a soft, reassuring smile. <em>He’s trying to be brave</em>, Remus thinks. He’s trying to be brave so James and Peter will worry less. He’s trying to be brave so it’ll be easier for Remus to say goodbye. He’s trying to be brave so he can be a big brother to Regulus. He’s the bloody victim in all of this, and he wants to be strong for all of them.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Remus hadn’t planned to say it, hadn’t even known he was going to say it, but he’s not sorry he did.</p><p>Sirius’ eyes widen and his mouth is slightly open. After a moment of silence, he pulls Remus into a tight hug, pressing him close. Remus clutches his robes and buries his face in Sirius’ chest.</p><p>“Don’t do that,” Sirius says against his hair. “Don’t act like you’re saying goodbye, like this is your last chance to tell me. It’s going to be fine, okay? It’s only for two weeks, and then we’ll be together again. We have plenty of time for all of that.”</p><p>“I just have a bad feeling about this,” Remus whispers.</p><p>Sirius releases his grip and kisses him. “It’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll see you in two weeks.”</p><p>“See you in two weeks,” Remus repeats. Sirius is probably right. He’s probably overreacting. In two weeks, they’ll laugh about this.</p><p>But when Sirius walks over to his parents and Remus sees how Walburga Black watches him approach, an ice-cold expression on her face, he can’t help but think that he’s going to regret this moment for the rest of his life.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading!<br/>Please let me know what you think and leave a comment!</p><p>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Not without a fight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“So, how have your Holidays been?” Peter asks in a weak attempt to get a conversation going.</p><p>Neither Remus nor James reacts.</p><p>“We could check one more time?” James opts.</p><p>Remus stares out the window at the passing landscapes, without actually looking. “We already checked five times. He’s not suddenly going to be there the sixth.”</p><p>James remains silent.</p><p>Remus jumps up suddenly and starts pacing the compartment, startling the other two boys. “I hate just sitting here, leaving London like everything’s fine! Maybe we can jump off the train, go back and search?”</p><p>Peter shudders. “After last time? I don’t think so. Besides, what can we do in London? We don’t even know how to find Grimmauld place!”</p><p>“The best thing we can do right now is talk to McGonagall,” James says as calm as he can manage. “She’ll be able to help. I’m sure she will. She has to be...”</p><p>Remus wishes he didn’t sound like he’s mostly trying to convince himself.</p><p>“Right,” Peter says. “And to speak to McGonagall, we need to get to Hogwarts. And to get to Hogwarts, we need to <em>be in this train.</em>” Peter, who still ducks away every time the trolley witch walks by, emphasizes the last words.</p><p>Remus slumps black in his seat, knowing they’re right, but not feeling any less frustrated because of it.</p><p> </p><p>Remus had woken that morning with a knot in his stomach. He had expected he would at least feel a bit excited. Those dreadful two weeks of Christmas break were finally over. It was finally the day. The day on which he would finally see Sirius again. The day on which he would finally hold his boyfriend in his arms again.</p><p>It absolutely wasn’t that he was reluctant to see Sirius. It was that somehow, deep down, he just wasn’t sure he was actually going to see Sirius. And even if he would, Merlin, he hoped he would, what state would he be in? Would he have been able to eat properly? Would he have lost more weight? What about his mental state? How scared and lonely had he been? And, most importantly, had they hurt him? Had they put their hands on him again? Just thinking about it, had made anger flare up in Remus’s chest the entire Christmas break.</p><p>Remus had been at King’s Cross early. The knot in his stomach had only gotten bigger, and kept growing while he waited. By the time James and Peter had joined him, he felt sick to his stomach. By the time most people had already boarded the train and the train was ready to depart, he was verging on panic. There was no trace of Sirius.</p><p>He’d only been persuaded to get in the train at all by Peter suggesting that maybe Sirius was already somewhere in the train and they’d just missed him. After searching the train up and down, however, it became clear that Sirius really wasn’t there, and neither was Regulus for that matter. But by that time, they were well on their way to Hogwarts.</p><p> </p><p>The train has barely stopped when the three Marauders rush out, getting to the carriages as fast as they can. They still have to push some people out of the way. When someone opens their mouth to complain, one look at their faces is enough for them to quickly close it again. Remus, James and Peter jump in the first carriage and head for the castle, that Remus really can’t remember ever having been so far away.</p><p>McGonagall is waiting outside for the carriages to arrive, a grave expression on her face. She doesn’t look surprised when the three boys immediately stalk up to her. She doesn’t look surprised that Sirius isn’t with them either. Without saying a word, she makes a small gesture for the boys to follow her and turns around leading them into the castle.</p><p>She knows <em>something</em>, Remus thinks. But what? What has she heard?</p><p>They enter McGonagall’s office. Before Remus can ask his burning questions, McGonagall slides a letter over to them and they start to read.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dear Ms. McGonagall, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>By this letter, I mean to inform you that my eldest son, Sirius Black, shall not be returning to Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Due to the vastly deteriorating quality of the education offered at Hogwarts, my husband and I were regretfully forced to make the decision to have our sons home-schooled. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>We regret the downwards spiral Hogwarts has fallen into ever since Mr. Dumbledore became Headmaster, and it is truly a shame it had to come to this. For too long, we have allowed our eldest son to be exposed to reprehensible influences corrupting him. Now, we felt compelled to intervene, and we can only hope we will still be able to detach him from the poisonous ideas that have been put in his head. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>We have known from the beginning that our son being sorted in your house, and forced to engage with witches and wizards far beneath him, was a disgrace. We would like to express our disappointment that you and Headmaster Dumbledore uphold your school to such low standards. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I assume I have sufficiently informed you, and I trust you will respect our decision and shall contact us no further. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sincerely, </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Walburga Black </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Remus’s hands are shaking as he clutches the letter. “This is... He wouldn’t... They can’t... Sirius wouldn’t want this! He wants to be at Hogwarts! He wants to be with me! With us!”</p><p>McGonagall gives him a sympathetic look. “I indeed do not believe Sirius had any say in this, mister Lupin. Professor Slughorn has received a similar letter. Well, not very similar. Much less hostile in tone and simply informing him that Regulus will not be returning due to family circumstances.”</p><p>“Why Regulus too?” James asks, balling his fists. “He has seen the things his parents have done to Sirius! If he were here, I’d force him to sue them, so they’d get arrested and Sirius could come back!”</p><p>“I believe that answers your question, mister Potter,” McGonagall says.</p><p>“But they can’t just do this, right?” Remus asks, still astonished. “They can’t hold him there against his will. Surely, that’s not allowed?”</p><p>McGonagall gives him another one of those sympathetic looks, that are already starting to annoy Remus. “They are his parents. Sirius is not yet of age, and they have custody over him. If they decide they want their children home-schooled, they can.”</p><p>“They <em>abuse</em> him!” Remus shouts.</p><p>“I know, mister Lupin,” McGonagall says. “But there is no case against them, no documentation of the abuse, not even any accusations against them.”</p><p>“But if we tell the Ministery...”</p><p>“I’m sorry, mister Lupin, but without any direct charges against them filed by the victim, coming from Sirius himself, there is little chance anyone would condone taking a minor away from his parents.”</p><p>“I don’t care what they bloody condone or not!” James says. “I’d go there right now if I could and take him away, and I don’t give a damn if it’s illegal or not!”</p><p>“Unfortunately, that would count as abduction,” McGonagall says. “And the consequences for you can be grave, especially considering how influential the Black family is. You won’t be doing Sirius any favours by putting yourself in that situation.”</p><p>“So what do you expect us to do, then?” Remus asks angrily. “Just move on with our lives? Maybe Sirius will manage to come back once he’s of age, but most likely we’ll never see him again, but well, I guess that’s just too bad then! Why would you give up on him so easily? I can’t-”</p><p>“I never said anything about giving up on him, mister Lupin,” McGonagall interrupts.</p><p>“But you-”</p><p>“I am simply making sure you will not have the false hope of having Sirius back in an instant. You must realise that getting him away from his parents is going to be difficult. However, I am most certainly going to try. By no means am I implying that I am going to give up on Sirius. I will do my utmost best to get him away from there, I can promise you that, and I will not stop until that boy is safely back at Hogwarts.”</p><p> </p><p>If Remus had thought those two weeks at home for Christmas had been hard, they are nothing compared to these weeks of school. He feels sad, lonely, and scared, so scared. The fear is constantly lodged in his chest. The only thing that might be as bad as the fear, is the feeling of powerlessness. McGonagall says she’s looking into things, writing letters, pulling strings, talking to people, and Remus believes her. He also believes her when she says that at this point, there’s really nothing they can do, but still. But still...</p><p>Remus can’t focus during class. He doesn’t know why he even bothers going, but he guesses because it’s better than lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. Lying on his bed with Sirius’s empty bed across from him. He doesn’t even bother with his homework, and he can’t find it in himself to care. James isn’t much better. He had attempted to do his homework at first, just to have something to occupy his mind, but he had stopped after hurling his Potions book across the dorm shouting “I don’t give a damn about the twenty uses for Kneazle toenails, as I’m pretty sure none of them is bringing my best friend back!”</p><p>What makes it even worse, is that the whole of Hogwarts is talking about Sirius. It’s the second time in a row Sirius hasn’t come back after the break, and everyone has seen the state he’s been in since last summer. Everyone can tell something is going on with Sirius, and no one believes the excuse of the flu anymore. Everyone knows something is wrong, and everyone suspects it has something to do with his homelife, especially now Regulus is also absent.</p><p>Fortunately, most people are really great about it. They don’t ask questions. They just give them some emphatic looks and sometimes an encouraging smile. Lily even walks up to Remus a few times and, without saying anything, gives him a hug. She even does it to James once. James makes no attempt at a lame joke, like how the Giant Squid might become jealous, and doesn’t even boast about Evans not being able to keep her hands off of him or something like that. He just looks at her and mutters a soft “thank you”, after which Lily gives him a soft smile and they just stare at each other for a while.</p><p>At the very least, the other students have the decency to stop speculating about what could’ve happened to Sirius when Remus, James or Peter walks in the room.</p><p>Except for a few Slytherins, that is.</p><p>As soon as they discover how much it upsets Remus and James, they start spreading rumours about horrific things that supposedly have happened to Sirius. Their new favourite pastime has become loudly speculating what the odds are that Sirius is still alive, whenever Remus or James is within earshot. Remus has lost track of the number of detentions James has been giving for punching a Slytherin in the face.</p><p> </p><p>Currently, however, Remus has been sent to detention. The door opens and McGonagall comes striding in.</p><p>“Ah, mister Lupin. I understand you’ve hexed mister Snape?”</p><p>“I did,” Remus replies without feeling any regret.</p><p>“Mind if I ask why? Not that you need a reason to hex mister Snape.”</p><p>Remus raises an eyebrow.</p><p>McGonagall seems to realise what she just said. “That... That is not what I meant to say. I meant to say, not that there is a good reason to hex mister Snape.”</p><p>“I can assure you, professor, there was.”</p><p>“Do tell, Lupin.”</p><p>“I was walking to Charms,” Remus begins. “And on my way there, I saw that I had accidentally taken Sirius’s notebook instead of my own, and I kind of... broke down.” Remus avoids having to see another one of those sympathetic smiles by looking down at his hands. “James was with me. He gave me a hug, and just at that moment Snivellus walked by and he said...” Remus’ voice is starting to shake, half from anger, half from pain. “He said ‘Lupin, shouldn’t you at least wait until they’ve found your boyfriend’s body before you move on to the next?’.”</p><p>There’s a short silence, until Remus suddenly hears McGonagall make a hissing noise like an angry cat, and he looks up surprised. McGonagall definitely looks angry, but Remus can tell it’s not aimed at him.</p><p>“And only you were sent to detention?” She asked. “Mister Snape was not punished?”</p><p>“Oh, don’t worry, professor. He was punished alright,” Remus replies, and when McGonagall gives him a questioning look, he adds “I am quite proficient at my hexes.”</p><p>He swears he can see a proud glint in McGonagall’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>At least, Remus is glad he was faster than James, and managed to hex Snivellus before James could punch him, saving him from yet another round of detention. He has barely finished the thought, or James walks in, rubbing his knuckles.</p><p>Remus sighs.</p><p>“Potter,” McGonagall says. “Making a wild guess, I assume you are joining us for detention?”</p><p>James just nods as he sits down on a chair next to Remus.</p><p>McGonagall rubs the bridge of her nose. “May I ask what for?”</p><p>James shrugs. “You know, same old, same old. Punching some Slytherins.”</p><p>“And did you have a reason for punching those Slytherins?” McGonagall asks.</p><p>James glances over at Remus. “I’d rather not say.”</p><p>Remus sits up in his chair. “Prongs, what? What did they say?”</p><p>“It’s not important, Moony. Just stupid talk.”</p><p>“Tell me!”</p><p>“It’s really not-”</p><p>“Prongs, I want to know!”</p><p>James sighs. “Fine. After Snivellus was taken to the Hospital Wing and you had left, the remaining Slytherins started talking. They were arguing about... Well, they were arguing about what had been the final straw for Sirius’s parents, that he was dating a guy, or that he was dating a half-blood.”</p><p>Remus’s head is spinning. He hadn’t thought of that. How hadn’t he thought of that? He never even considered hiding their relationship. The whole school knew, so surely Sirius’s parents knew! He never even thought about how angry his involvement with their son would make them, how much they must disapprove of it. Sirius could be in this bad situation, no, this <em>dangerous</em> situation, because of him! He wasn’t worth any of that. How had he allowed Sirius to be in that position? How had he been so selfish?</p><p>“Moony! Moony!”</p><p>Remus vaguely becomes aware of James sitting on the floor in front of him, his hands on his knees, looking at him intently.</p><p>“Moony, I know what you’re thinking, and stop it! Stop it! Even if you had suggested to keep your relationship a secret, Sirius would’ve had none of that. He’s way too mad about you, he would’ve shouted it from the rooftops. And had he known how upset it would make his parents, he would’ve shouted it twice as hard!”</p><p>“I should’ve known,” Remus says, looking off in the distance. “I should’ve known how his parents would react. React because of me! Because of me, Prongs!”</p><p>“Moony, look at me,” James says firmly. “Yes, I do think it’s possible that your relationship with Sirius is what pushed Sirius’s parents over the edge and made them do this.”</p><p>Remus groans.</p><p>“No, Moony. Look at me and listen to me,” James commands. “Sirius’s parents want to take all his happiness away from him. You’ll give them exactly what they want if you allow them to take you away from him. You’ll let them win, because you are his happiness, Moony. You and Sirius have a good thing going, and you can’t allow what his parents think, or even what his parents do, to interfere with that. Sirius wouldn’t want that. Don’t let your relationship become just another good thing his parents have ruined for him, Moony.”</p><p>“Right,” Remus says softly, and then in a more determined tone: “Right! Sirius has lost enough, and he won’t lose me! I <em>love</em> him, and he... Well, at least I know that I make him happy, and that’s more than they’ve ever done! They can try to take him away from me, but I will fight them! By Merlin, I will fight them tooth and nail!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>James is so emotionally mature in this story, haha. Keeping Remus sensible.<br/>No happy ending yet...<br/>Please make my day by leaving a comment!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. A permanent decision</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'd like to apologize for this in advance.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>McGonagall looks at James with newfound respect. She always knew he’s brave with a good heart, but now she can see his loving and supportive side up close.</p>
<p>“Now that I have you both here,” she says. “I would like to talk some things through.”</p>
<p>James and Remus are immediately sitting on the edge of their chair.</p>
<p>“Is their news from Sirius? Have you heard anything? Do you know how to get him out?”</p>
<p>“I have been asking around what it would take for a judge to decide Sirius needs to be removed from that house,” McGonagall says. “You, mister Pettigrew and myself were given an account of the abuse directly from Sirius, and you have personally seen the consequences. Our statements might have some weight. Also, when I arranged a counsellor for Sirius, a file was made describing his situation. Normally, this documentation would be strictly confidential. However, as Sirius’s safety is at stake, they are willing to share their information with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. This will at least prove we did not just came up with some story.”</p>
<p>Remus feels hope rise up. An official document describing Sirius’s situation, that has to count for something, right? But he knows that those people never spoke with Sirius directly, they only heard it from them.</p>
<p>“But what is most important,” McGonagall continues. “I have found a Healer’s assistant, who nursed Sirius during his hospitalizations, willing to testify. She is willing to inform the judge about when Sirius has been hospitalized and with what injuries. She seemed to really care about him and feels guilty about keeping her silence this long, as she could clearly tell from the state he was in that he had experienced abuse. As terrible as that is, it is the strongest evidence we can present to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.”</p>
<p>“Will it be enough?” Remus asks breathlessly. “Will that get them arrested and convicted?”</p>
<p>“I am afraid not,” McGonagall says with a weary look in her eyes. “To achieve that, we will need Sirius’s statement. I would say it might be enough to start an investigation.”</p>
<p>“We can’t!” James exclaims, frantically shaking his head. “We can’t let them find out they’re being suspected of child abuse while they have Sirius! Imagine how angry they’ll be, imaging what they might do to him!”</p>
<p>“You are absolutely right, mister Potter,” McGonagall says. “But I expect any reasonable judge to understand that, pending the investigation, those boys must be removed from that house and placed in protective custody. At least while the investigation is in progress, and then we will have time make sure they will not have to go back there afterwards either. I highly doubt the investigation will clear their parents from all charges, and even if it does, Sirius will be of age this November-”</p>
<p>“No matter what the investigation says,” Remus interrupts sharply. “Once we have him out of there, whatever happens, I am <em>not</em> letting him go back.”</p>
<p>To Remus surprise, McGonagall just nods in agreement. “And neither will I.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, professor,” James says. “But these people... What they’re like... You need to be absolutely sure you can get Sirius out of there before they find out about the investigation!”</p>
<p>“When we deliver the message that the investigation is being started,” McGonagall replies, sounding determined. “I intend to take Sirius away from there immediately.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s all very well.</p>
<p>Remus, James and Peter make official statements detailing everything Sirius has told them. McGonagall is busy collecting all documentation, making trips to the Ministry and talking to officials from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.</p>
<p>It’s all very well, but in the end, waiting is still the only thing Remus can do. He’s sick of waiting, and he’s sick of not knowing how much longer he has to wait.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But McGonagall was speaking the truth when she said she would do her utmost best. Despite Remus waiting every minute of every day for the moment, he’s still shocked when she suddenly taps him on the shoulder while he’s on his way to Potions.</p>
<p>“Mister Lupin, I need you to come with me.”</p>
<p>“I have Potions,” is the first thing Remus mumbles in his shock, but he knows that neither he nor McGonagall cares. He follows her, while hope, nerves and anticipation flutter through his stomach.</p>
<p>“They have agreed,” McGonagall says, as soon as they’re in her office. “The Department of Magical Law Enforcement has agreed to start an investigation, and a judge has ordered that the children should be removed from that house, pending the investigation.”</p>
<p>Remus stares at her wide-eyed. “So we... So we...”</p>
<p>“We are going to get him.”</p>
<p>Remus feels his knees give out from under him, and he drops down on a chair, hiding his face in his hands and trying to control his breathing.</p>
<p>“An official will be going to inform Orion and Walburga Black, accompanied by two Aurors, just in case they refuse to obey or cause any problems. I will also be there, as I am the one who filed the case.”</p>
<p>Remus nods, trying to focus on what McGonagall is saying, despite the chorus echoing through his head <em>Siriusiscomingback</em> <em>Siriusiscomingback</em> <em>Siriusiscomingback</em>...</p>
<p>“Despite the situation,” McGonagall continues. “It can be a frightening experience to suddenly be taken away from your family by a group of people you, for the most part, do not know. Therefore, I wanted to ask you to come along as well. It might be good for Sirius to see your face, and know that someone he loves and trusts is near.”</p>
<p>“I... Yes. Yes. Yes, of course!”</p>
<p>“Very well,” McGonagall says, while putting on her cloak. “We shall Floo to the Ministry, and from there on we can apparate.”</p>
<p>Remus startles. “Right... right now?”</p>
<p>McGonagall frowns at him. “Would you rather wait?”</p>
<p>Remus immediately jumps to his feet. “No! Please, please let’s go.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus had almost forgotten what a large man Orion Black is. As the door slams open and the broad-shouldered, bearded man with the steely gaze steps out, he involuntarily takes a step back.</p>
<p>The official from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, however, doesn’t flinch. She’s a short woman with white-grey hair and sparkling blue eyes, who had greeted Remus with a warm smile. Now, as she meets Orion Black’s cold glare with a determined, level look, despite being almost two heads shorter than him, the warmth has completely disappeared from her face.</p>
<p>“I don’t tolerate trespassers!” Orion Black growls. He has his wand ready in his hand, but the angry, short-tempered man is no match for the two well-trained, experienced Aurors that accompany them, and before Orion Black can do anything, one of the men disarms him and effortlessly catches his wand from the air.</p>
<p>“Mister Black, I presume?” The Ministry official says in a calm voice as she steps forward. “My apologies for catching you off guard like this, but I’m here to convey an important message. I regret to inform you that you and your wife are the subjects of an investigation into suspected child abuse. You’re suspected of having used severe violence against one of your children. For the duration of the investigation, your children shall be placed under protective custody.”</p>
<p>If Remus had thought Orion Black looked angry before, he looks positively furious now.</p>
<p>“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,” he hisses through clenched teeth. “I do not let Ministry scum dictate how I should live my life. The Black family is the most ancient family in the history of magic. The nerve that you even try to impose your rules on me! For centuries, we have lived our lives according to our noble values and traditions, and we will continue to do so, and we will continue to raise our children accordingly.”</p>
<p>To Remus’s surprise, the warmth is suddenly back in the Ministry official’s expression, and when she speaks next, her voice sounds kind and understanding. “I understand this must be quite a shock. It’s a difficult message and a sensitive topic, but I can assure you, mister Black, there’ll be a thorough, objective and independent investigation. If the accusations against you turn out to be unfounded, your name shall be cleared and your children shall be returned to you, don’t you worry.”</p>
<p>“I don’t give a damn about your investigation!” Orion Black shouts. “Children of the House of Black are raised with a heavy hand. It shapes them into proper and respectable witches or wizards. And when one of them is insubordinate, it requires an even heavier hand to make him see the error of his ways. That’s how it was done, that’s how it is done, and that’s how it shall be done!”</p>
<p>It’s as good as a confession, Remus thinks grimly.</p>
<p>The Ministry official’s face has become a stone mask again, her mouth forming a tight line. “I’m obligated to inform you that anything you say can and will be used against you, mister Black, so I’d strongly suggest you keep your silence until you are in the presence of a lawyer.”</p>
<p>“And I’d strongly suggest you take my refusal and leave this property immediately,” Orion Black snarls.</p>
<p>“Ah, it seems like there’s some kind of misunderstanding,” the Ministry official speaks in a calm tone. “You see, mister Black, I am not making you a request or an offer, I am giving you an order.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Orion Black is shaking with anger now, clenching and unclenching his fists. Remus waits for the outburst, but Orion Black looks at the two Aurors and seems to reconsider. Remus is surprised by the man’s self-control, as he watches him take a deep breath and compose himself. For a moment, Orion Black seems lost in thought. Then he starts talking softly, like he’s more talking to himself than to them.</p>
<p>“I thought my methods would be persuading enough to get him back on the right path, that I could yet shape him into a proper son and heir, but his mind is more infested with traitorous ideas than I had anticipated, and he’s much more stubborn than I thought. Perhaps... Yes, I had already feared it would come to this. If it must be done, then it might as well be done now.” Orion Black shifts his gaze back to them and raises his voice. “I’d say we let him make his own decision.”</p>
<p>Remus hears the Ministry official argue “That’s not how it works!”, but Orion Black ignores her as he turns his head back towards the door and shouts “Sirius!”</p>
<p>And there he is.</p>
<p>Remus forgets how to breath as he takes him in, after all these weeks. He’s wearing old-fashioned, heavy, velvet robes, that Remus just knows he hates, and his hair is tightly tied back with a ribbon. Due to the robes, Remus can’t really tell how much weight he has lost, but the robes are hanging loose from his frame, and in his face, Remus can clearly see that he’s gotten even thinner. His cheeks are hollow and there are dark circles under his eyes. On the left side of his face, spreading from his eye and temple all the way down over his cheek, is a nasty bruise and he moves stiffly, which confirms to Remus what he had already feared.</p>
<p><em>They have hurt him again</em>.</p>
<p>But what’s worst of all, is the haunted look in his eyes. As he carefully shuffles closer, his eyes are filled with fear, and he keeps his gaze fixed on his father, like he doesn’t dare to look away.</p>
<p>“These people here,” Orion Black gestures at them, and only then Sirius seems to notice their presence. His gaze immediately fixes on Remus and he slightly opens his mouth in surprise. He makes a jerking motion like he wants to run towards him, but his father’s gaze as cold as iron is holding him in place. Orion Black calmly keeps talking. “They seem to think that it’d be better for you if you went with them.”</p>
<p>“Father...” Sirius says not understanding, his voice sounding hoarse.</p>
<p>Orion Black looks at him intently, and speaks clearly and emphatically. “You are no longer a child, Sirius. You are almost a full-grown wizard, and your mother and I cannot keep preventing you from making wrong life choices. It is time for you to make your final decision. Will you step up and take on your role as the future head of our family? Will you become a respectable representative of our blood line? Will you honour our family values and uphold our traditions? Are you going to take responsibility and do your duty towards your family, or are you going to squander all that we’ve taught you, all that we’ve given you? You must decide for once and for all where your loyalty lies.”</p>
<p>Sirius opens his mouth to answer, but Orion Black interrupts him.</p>
<p>“Consider your answer carefully, son. I will only ask once, and there will be no going back from here. The decision you make now, will be permanent.”</p>
<p>Sirius looks at his father, looks at Remus, and looks back at his father again. “I’m sorry, father. I don’t want to live my life according to your values. I cannot. I cannot and I will not.”</p>
<p>Remus releases a breath, but the uneasy feeling remains, together with the thought that <em>something is off</em>.</p>
<p>Orion Black just regards his son. Remus believes it’s the first time he’s seen him wear a different expression than arrogance or anger, but he can’t define the emotion on his face. He looks... resigned? Pained? A pained sort of resignation? In any case, it does nothing to lessen the uneasy feeling in his chest.</p>
<p>As Orion Black speaks, the emotion in his voice is equally undefinable. “Such a shame. You had potential. So much potential. What a waste.”</p>
<p>The sense of wrongness only increases when, to Remus’s shock, Orion Black suddenly pulls Sirius in a one-armed hug. The whole motion looks so awkward that Remus thinks he has never given his son a hug before. The way Sirius’s body freezes and the stunned expression on his face confirm his suspicions.</p>
<p>Remus is suddenly overcome with the need for <em>Orion Black to get away from Sirius</em>. Something is off. That he let Sirius make his own decision, that discomforting emotion on his face and in his voice, and now that out-of-place hug... Something is off.</p>
<p>Orion Black’s voice is a rough whisper. “Goodbye, my son.”</p>
<p>And then Remus recognizes the emotion on his face and in his voice for what it is: regret. Suddenly, he knows what’s about to happen, but as the realisation hits, it’s already too late.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There’s a flash of silver.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A barely noticeable flash of silver, that Remus will be replaying in his head thousands of times for years to come.</p>
<p>Sirius eyes widen in shock and his mouth falls open in a silent ‘<em>oh</em>’. For a second, the world stops, but then everything goes much too fast.</p>
<p>Orion Black roughly pushes Sirius away from him and there’s the sound of something heavy clattering on the stones, followed by a loud crack as Orion Black disapparates.</p>
<p>Remus doesn’t recall moving. Remus doesn’t even recall making the decision to move, but suddenly, he’s standing in front of Sirius. Sirius is looking at him with large eyes. His hands are tightly clutched to his stomach, red fluid seeping through his fingers. Slowly, he lifts up one hand and stares at the sticky, red fluid dripping from his fingers, his eyes filled with disbelief. He looks back at Remus and opens his mouth to speak, but then his eyes roll back and he crumbles to the floor, where he lies motionless, a silver dagger engraved with the Black family weapon and stained with blood lying by this head.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The End.</p>
<p>No, just kidding, don't worry. Well, worry, but the story will continue.</p>
<p>I'm really curious about your reactions on this one, so please leave a comment! Or come shout at me on Tumblr: <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. The breaking point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments on the last chapter!<br/>I'm so amazed people seem invested in this story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus remembers the Aurors storming passed him into the house, wands ready.</p><p>He remembers McGonagall pushing him aside to kneel at Sirius’s side, cradling him, and disapparating with a loud crack.</p><p>He remembers the Ministry official’s voice saying “We need the weapon!”</p><p>He had reached out for the dagger, but she had jerked his hand away with a sharp “Don’t touch it!” She had pointed her wand at the dagger, and it had started hissing and giving off smoke. “Like I thought, it’s cursed.”</p><p><em>Cursed</em>. The word still echoes through Remus’s mind even now. Any Healer can easily heal a normal wound, but a wound made with a cursed object? A wound made with a cursed, ancient heirloom of the House of Black?</p><p>Another tap of the Ministry official’s wand, and a white, transparent sheet had seemed to envelop the dagger, and then the dagger had disappeared. “I’ve sent it to the Department of Mysteries for investigation.”</p><p>The Ministry official had then turned to Remus. “Come here, boy”, followed by the feeling of being squeezed through a tube, and the next thing he knew, he had been standing in the entrance hall of St Mungo’s.</p><p> </p><p>Remus remembers there had been commotion around him, and it didn’t take him long to find the reason for the commotion. Sirius had been lying on the floor, his dark hair spread out over the white tiles. White as a sheet, eyes closed and covered in blood.</p><p>He remembers how he had wanted to push everyone away and throw himself at Sirius. He had no idea where the lady from the Ministry went, or McGonagall for that matter, the only thing he saw was his boyfriend. He had stayed where he was, though, not wanting to disturb the three figures in lime-green robes embroiled with a crossing wand and a bone working on Sirius.</p><p>The first Healer had been holding Sirius’s wrist, monitoring his heartbeat. The second Healer had been performing a bunch of basic Healing Spells; Blood-Replenishing Spells, Disinfecting Spells, Strengthening Spells, that kind of stuff. The third Healer had been inspecting the wound in Sirius’s stomach, muttering complex Healing Spells, while looking increasingly frustrated.</p><p>“They barely have any effect! There’s some sort of Dark Magic at work here.”</p><p>The second Healer had looked at him with a frown. “Is there anything we can do?”</p><p>Remus had thought that a weird question. They’re Healers, Sirius needs healing, of course they can do something, that’s their bloody job, isn’t it?</p><p>“I’m going to place a blockage around the wound,” the third Healer had replied. “So the Dark Magic won’t spread through the rest of his body, or at least not more than it already has.”</p><p>“We’re losing him!” The first Healer had suddenly shouted. Immediately, the second Healer had placed the tip of her wand firmly above Sirius’s heart, and had furiously muttered some spell, a faint glow coming from her wand.</p><p>He remembers that he had been watching. Just watching, his mind not able to grasp the fact that he was watching <em>Sirius’s heart give up</em>.</p><p>“And there you are,” the first Healer had said, relieved.</p><p>The second Healer had removed her wand with a sigh, and the third Healer had looked up at them. “Is he stable?”</p><p>“Relatively stable, for now,” the first Healer had replied.</p><p>“Let’s take him to a Healing Chamber.” The third Healer had looked over his shoulder to address a young Trainee Healer, who had been staring at the scene with wide eyes. “Contact the senior Healing Potions Master. Tell him we need Strengthening Solution and Invigoration Draught, an ample supply of Dittany leaves, Burning Bitterroot Balm, and as much Murtlap Essence as they can miss, as fast as possible!”</p><p>He remembers how they had levitated Sirius’s body and guided him away, leaving Remus to stare at nothing but a pool of blood on the white tiles of the entrance hall’s floor, until a Healer’s assistant had hurried to the spot and vanished the blood.</p><p> </p><p>Remus doesn’t remember how he got from the entrance hall to the chair he’s sitting on now, neither does he have any idea how much time has passed. He looks around to see if there’s anybody who can tell him, and he thinks he can hear voices come from an open door down the hall. He walks towards the sound, hoping to find a Healer who can tell him something.</p><p>“Does he have any family we can contact?” A male voice asks. “Who won’t try to kill him, I mean,” the man adds bitterly.</p><p>“I’m afraid not,” a voice, that Remus immediately recognises as McGonagall’s, replies. “He has some very close friends, though. A best friend who’s more like a brother, almost inseparable.”</p><p>“It would be good to contact him then, at least.”</p><p>“Would it?” McGonagall asks. “I mean, we don’t know much yet, and he can’t even see him. What good will it do to worry him if there’s nothing he can do?”</p><p>The man sighs. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you, miss McGonagall. It’s not looking good. If things take a turn for the worst, there might not be a lot of time to say goodbye. This close friend of his, he should be here.”</p><p>There’s a short silence.</p><p>“I shall collect him right away,” McGonagall eventually says, her voice sounding odd, and there’s a tremble that Remus has never heard before.</p><p>Once again, Remus is sitting on that chair without remembering how he got there.</p><p>He wouldn’t have wanted James to be in the situation he’s in, just waiting and worrying, but now he agrees that he should be here. <em>Because he’ll never forgive you if he doesn’t get the chance to say goodbye</em>, a tiny voice in the back of his mind says, but he firmly pushes that voice even further back. There’s no question of saying goodbye! They’re healing Sirius right now, he will be fine, everything will be fine. He just thinks James should be here because he would’ve wanted to be here if he were James, and that’s it, that’s the only reason.</p><p> </p><p>Once again, Remus has no idea how much time had passed when he hears a concerned voice.</p><p>“Moony?”</p><p>Remus looks up to see a shaken James stand before him.</p><p>“Moony, what’s going on? You weren’t at Potions, and I didn’t see you the rest of the day, and then suddenly McGonagall came to get me... Moony, she said you went with her to get Sirius back, but something went wrong, and Sirius’s father actually <em>attacked</em> him? Is that true? What happened?”</p><p>“It’s true,” Remus says faintly.</p><p>James curses. “Damn that man! Where’s Sirius? Have you spoken to him? Is he okay?”</p><p>“James...”</p><p>James must’ve noticed the expression on Remus’s face, the sound of Remus’s voice, or both. His voice drops. “Remus, please. You have to tell me.”</p><p>“He stabbed a dagger into his stomach.”</p><p>James staggers and drops down on the chair next to Remus. “But he’s with the Healers now,” he says after a pause. “They can fix a stab wound with a flick of their wand, can’t they?”</p><p>Remus doesn’t meet his eyes. “They said the dagger was cursed, that there was Dark Magic at work. They said... It doesn’t matter. I don’t know what’s happening.”</p><p>What Remus had wanted to say was ‘They said you had to be here to say goodbye! They said it’s not looking good! They said they were losing him! James, I watched <em>his heart give up!</em>’ but he doesn’t. James doesn’t seem to need those words to understand the severity of the situation anyway. He sits next to Remus, uncharacteristically quiet, staring at the opposite wall with eyes filled with worry.</p><p> </p><p>“You!” A long and silent wait is disturbed by James’s growl as he glares at the approaching figure.</p><p>Remus turns his head to see Regulus Black walk towards them, looking pale, anxious, and even younger than he is.</p><p>Remus understands James’s anger, shares James’s anger. After all, Regulus <em>knew</em>. Regulus knew better than anyone, had known for years, had seen all the cruel things his parents did to his brother first-hand. And yet, he convinced Sirius to go home with him, knowingly and willingly putting him in a dangerous situation.</p><p>“How did you get here? Shouldn’t you be with <em>them</em>?” Remus asks.</p><p>Regulus stops uncertainly, a couple of meters away from them. “I was inside the house with our mother,” he says hesitantly. “I saw... I saw what he did to Sirius. Our mother wanted to take me with her to join our father, but after that... I jerked myself away from her.”</p><p>“I wish she had offered to take me to join your father,” Remus says through gritted teeth. “I would’ve loved to see him.”</p><p>“Well, I don’t have your Gryffindor bravery,” Regulus says flatly. “Or recklessness, as you may call it. I just wanted to be away from them. When the Aurors came in, our mother was forced to disapparate without me. The Aurors took me with them, and I... I told them everything. Everything I’ve seen my parents do to him with my own eyes. They know it all now.” Regulus sounds resolved at the last sentence.</p><p>“Do you know where your parents have gone to?” Remus asks.</p><p>“No,” Regulus sighs. “I don’t. I really don’t. I told the Aurors I was willing to take Veritaserum if necessary, and then they believed me and let me come here. I just have to know how he’s doing?” Regulus looks at Remus questioningly, with a hint of fear in his eyes.</p><p>“It’s not good,” Remus says. “We don’t know much else.”</p><p>“You should’ve expected that,” James says, still glaring at Regulus. “Hell, you should’ve expected that the moment you asked him to come home!”</p><p>Regulus looks miserable. Remus can’t bring himself to pity him. “I... I should go. I shouldn’t be here.”</p><p>He moves to turn around, but Remus stops him.</p><p>“You’re staying!” His voice sounds sharp, like a command. “He loves you. You don’t bloody deserve it, but he does. If- When he wakes up, the first thing he’s going to worry about, is you still being with <em>them</em>, still having them manipulate you and put poisonous ideas in your head. He’ll be so happy and relieved to find out you’re here, that you finally broke free from them and turned your back on their ridiculous pureblood supremacy beliefs for good.”</p><p>Remus looks at Regulus challengingly, daring him to disagree and say that it’s only until he knows Sirius is okay, that he still believes in what his parents have taught him, that he still wants to be a Death Eater. Regulus does no such thing.</p><p>“So you’re staying,” Remus concludes. “We don’t want you here, but he does, and that’s the only thing that matters.”</p><p> </p><p>Remus hasn’t cried. To his right, James has silent tears streaming over his face, and to his left, Regulus’s eyes look red, but Remus hasn’t cried.</p><p>Remus is desperately holding on to that one thought: everything will be fine. Crying feels too close to admitting that there’s a chance it won’t be. Remus can’t do that. Accepting what that might mean... No, he can’t even comprehend that thought. If he does, if he even tries to, it will shatter him. Remus can’t break down right now, not when Sirius needs him.</p><p>James gets up. “I’m going to get some food.”</p><p>Remus has no appetite, and he can’t imagine James has any either. He’s probably going mad from staring at the same wall and wants something to occupy his mind.</p><p>“You want something, <em>Moony</em>?” James emphasizes his name, to make it clear he’s only asking Remus, and not Regulus. Regulus doesn’t react, and Remus shakes his head.</p><p>When James walks away, Remus remembers himself saying that James and he shouldn’t be too quick to judge Regulus, as they don’t know what it’s like to grow up in an abusive home. Even if Regulus wasn’t the one being abused, it must be far from the safe place it’s supposed to be.</p><p>Suddenly feeling like he should somehow excuse James’s behaviour, Remus starts to speak. “He’s just-”</p><p>“Don’t,” Regulus interrupts. “I don’t care. However much he hates me, it can’t be more than I hate myself.” Suddenly, he lets his head drop in his hands. “I’m such an idiot! I thought I could fix it, you know? ‘If only I can make Sirius keep his mouth shut, everything will be alright’, I thought. Merlin, I’m so stupid! I was convinced that if I let you and Potter take Sirius away, I would lose him forever. I thought I had to fight to keep our family together. I refused to see the hopelessness of the situation, just fooling myself instead. Too stupid to see the truth, that our family had been lost long ago, if it ever was a family to begin with...”</p><p>“You’re not stupid, Regulus,” Remus says softly, feeling his anger melt away seeing how hard the boy is on himself. “You were stuck in a bad situation and made some wrong decisions, that doesn’t make you stupid, or a bad person for that matter.”</p><p>“I immediately regretted it, you know?” Regulus says, and Remus isn’t sure he even heard what he said. “The very day, no, the very hour we were at that house. They knew about you and Sirius, and our father almost immediately punched Sirius in the face. I went up to Sirius’s room that evening, and I told him I’d made a mistake and he had to get out of there! I told him to leave, go to you, go to Potter, but the bloody idiot told me not to worry and that he wouldn’t leave me alone...”</p><p>So it <em>was</em> their relationship that had pushed his parents over the edge...</p><p>“I didn’t tell them,” he hears Regulus say.</p><p>Remus shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. The whole school knew. We weren’t exactly subtle about it. Anyone could’ve told them.” If only they had been subtle, if only they had kept it to themselves. How had he not thought about how his family would react? How had he had so little consideration for Sirius’s safety?</p><p>“You know that you couldn’t have kept it secret, right?” Regulus asks, as if reading his mind. “Sirius would’ve never gone along with that. He loves you too damn much to not have the whole world know.”</p><p>Remus blushes and stares at his hands. “I don’t know if he... I mean, of course I know he cares, but we haven’t been together long. I don’t know if he’s there yet...”</p><p>Regulus stares at him. “Lupin, are you kidding me right now? You must know that he loves you.”</p><p>“Well, it’s just that he never said...”</p><p>“He said it! I can tell you right now he definitely said it.” Remus just blinks at him, and Regulus elaborates. “For instance, I remember this one occasion where our mother was going on and on. ‘Why do you insist on being stubborn? Do you want to upset your parents so bad, or why else would you be with someone like him? Why are you making such a problem out of this? Why don’t you just put an end to that ridiculous relationship?’ You know, that kind of crap. Eventually, Sirius had enough, and he just shouted it in our mother’s face. ‘Because I love him!’”</p><p>And that’s it.</p><p>Whether it’s being forced to admit that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he had been afraid he would never know if Sirius loved him, whether it’s hearing how brave Sirius was standing up to his parents <em>for him</em>, whether it’s realising that Sirius would rather face whatever punishment his parents undoubtedly will have given him than betray Remus or their relationship, or whether it’s just knowing that Sirius loves him...</p><p>Whatever it is, it’s the breaking point.</p><p>When James returns with an untouched sandwich in his hand, Remus is crying against Regulus’s shoulder, reduced to heart-wrenching sobs. Regulus looks up at James. James gives him a small nod and sits down on the other side of Remus, rubbing soothing circles on his back.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello. My apologies for the long wait.”</p><p>Three boys with pale faces and red eyes whip their heads up to the Healer. He’s probably in his late thirties, early forties, with tick brown hair interspersed with grey streaks and kind eyes. He gives them a warm smile.</p><p>“My name is Octavius Pye, and I’m attending Sirius Black. You’d probably like to see him now?”</p><p>The first thing Remus looks at, is his face, much too pale and much too thin. His eyes are closed and he has a piece of Fluxweed in his mouth, which stimulates the flux of the air and is used by Healers when a patient needs support with breathing. There’s a faint glow over his chest, which the Healer explains is to monitor his heartbeat and blood pressure. Then there’s the wound. Remus can’t see much of it, as it’s covered in a thick layer of Burning Bitterroot Balm, and Dittany leaves are placed on top. Once again, potions are intravenously administered, which Healers only do when the body is too weak to take up the potion, or the patient can’t swallow. Remus suspects both can be applied in this case. The potions administered to his right arm are Blood-Replenishing Potion, Strengthening Solution and Calming Draught, and fluids and nutrients are administered to his left arm.</p><p>“How is he?” Regulus asks in a small voice.</p><p>“Even a small cut with that dagger would’ve taken a long time to heal,” Healer Pye says. “A wound this deep, healing so slowly, is dangerous, very dangerous. Our Healing Spells weren’t as effective as we would’ve hoped. We healed as much of the internal injuries as we could, but it’s unclear how much damage there still is, and what harm that damage can do. The wound is infested with Dark Magic. We placed a blockage around the wound, so the Dark Magic cannot spread further through the rest of his body, but it can still affect the area of the wound, especially with the slow healing...”</p><p>It’s an elaborate, but not a very clear answer.</p><p>“Will he be okay?” James asks.</p><p>The Healer sighs, and that’s not a good sign.</p><p>“There’s no telling yet. If I’m honest, for now, we fear he might not make it through the night.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Once again, thank you for reading, and of course, I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Taking chances</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for the comments on this fic! They brighten up my day.<br/>I'm sorry for how heavy these chapters are... Tw for injuries and hospital room situations?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius’s hands are cold, and when Remus brushes a strand of hair from his face, his cheeks feel cold too. He keeps holding Sirius’s hand, though it doesn’t get any warmer, and his eyes never stray from Sirius’s face. Maybe if he keeps looking, he’ll see it immediately when something, he doesn’t know what, happens, and they can be in time to help him.</p><p>James is sitting at the other side of the bed, restlessly shifting his eyes from Sirius’s face, to the wound in his stomach, to the tubes in his arms.</p><p>Regulus is sitting across from the bed staring at his knees, like he can’t even look at Sirius. Remus suspects it’s out of guilt, or maybe because Sirius is his big brother, who has always protected him, and he can’t bear to see him so fragile. He looks extremely tired, with everything he’s gone through in the last day, but Remus knows that none of them will be getting any sleep this night. The night Sirius needs to make it through.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>20.00h </em>
</p><p>“Are you sure you want to take up a night shift? It has been quite a day, I could understand if you’re tired from all the impressions.”</p><p>“No! No, Healer Pye. I want to stay. It’ll be a great learning experience for me.”</p><p>“It might be good for your traineeship indeed, but not if you don’t have the energy to take anything in.”</p><p>“I’m fine, Healer Pye. And I feel... committed. I want to see it through. If he’s not going to make it... I want to be here. I want to know I at least did everything I could. Merlin, I’m going to be no good as a Healer if I let a patient get to me like this, am I?”</p><p>“Joya, caring about a patient will never make you less of a Healer, quite the opposite. If you’re willing, an extra person to keep a close eye on him will be very welcome.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>21.00h </em>
</p><p>“Oh, Healer Pye, is it okay if those boys stay in the room? I know he must sleep...”</p><p>“I don’t think that’ll be a problem. He’s very far away right now, so I doubt it’ll affect his rest.”</p><p>“Do you really fear he’s so far gone from the world around him?”</p><p>“It’s not just a bad thing. That kind of wound must be very painful. We should be thankful for all the time he’s able to sleep through the worst of the pain.”</p><p>“As long as he eventually wakes up.”</p><p>“Yes, indeed...”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>23.00h </em>
</p><p>“Healer Pye, I wasn’t expecting to see you. Didn’t your shift end an hour ago?”</p><p>“Healer Vectra. It did, but I have a patient for whom tonight may prove to be critical. I like to monitor him myself.”</p><p>“Ah, yes, I heard. The Hogwarts student, right? It’s always worse when they’re that young. I heard there’s little chance he’s going to pull through?”</p><p>“I still have hope. He’s a fighter.”</p><p>“Hmm, well, yes, they always are, I suppose. Just remember that, whatever happens, you did the best you could.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>01.00h </em>
</p><p>“What is it, Joya?”</p><p>“Oh, Healer Pye. He was just coughing up some blood!”</p><p>“Right. Well, that could be in his system from before the healing.”</p><p>“Yes, but it could also indicate an internal bleeding our healing failed to catch!”</p><p>“We can only hope it isn’t.”</p><p>“But Healer Pye...”</p><p>“It’s no use performing another healing session. Not with the dark magic in the wound still so strong. Worse, we might trigger whatever curse is festering in there, and Merlin knows he’s not stong enough to handle that right now.”</p><p>“So we just... hope?”</p><p>“Remove the Dittany leaves, apply an extra dose of Murtlap Essence, two if the Potion Masters can miss that much, and cover it up with a layer of fresh Dittany leaves.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>03.00h </em>
</p><p>“Status?”</p><p>“His heartbeat slowed a bit, but it has evened out and is quire regular now. He’s still freezing cold, though.”</p><p>“Apply another Warming Charm, though I doubt it’ll have much effect. He’s most likely using up all his energy to keep his vital functions going, and has none left to keep himself warm. Of course, the fact that he’s just skin and bones isn’t helping either.”</p><p>“I’ve already tried several Warming Charms, but I’ll keep it up. If it helps even a little bit...”</p><p>“Keep monitoring his heartbeat, and his temperature as well.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>04.00h </em>
</p><p>“Healer Pye.”</p><p>“Auror Serot. Took up an extra night shift as well, I see?”</p><p>“These are strange times, Pye, strange times.”</p><p>“What can I do for you?”</p><p>“I need you to fill in these forms, about the medical condition of the Black’s boy. Just a clear and to-the-point medical report.”</p><p>“Right now?”</p><p>“We need the medical information to decide whether his injuries warrant charging Orion Black with attempted murder.”</p><p>“I’ll have them filled out for you by the morning.”</p><p>“Alright. Unless...”</p><p>“Unless what, Serot?”</p><p>“We need to draw up the charges and send out an arrest warrant, which can be quite an administrative hassle, and we prefer not to need a do-over. If you were just happening to expect that the charges will change soon, say, from attempted murder to murder, that’d be good to know, as we then may decide to wait a little longer.”</p><p>“You want to know whether my patient will be dead soon?”</p><p>“Look, Pye, I’m just doing my job.”</p><p>“Well, you do yours and I’ll do mine, and my job involves believing that my patient is going to make it, until the very end.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>05.00h </em>
</p><p>“Sorry to disturb you, I just thought that maybe his- Oh. Oh, no.”</p><p>“Speak up, Joya.”</p><p>“His blood pressure is dropping. Dropping fast now! Very fast!”</p><p>“Out of my way, girl. Yes. He’s slipping away. Stop the supply of Calming Draught immediately and prepare a syringe with a dose of Invigoration Draught!”</p><p>“You’re going to inject Invigoration Draught straight to his heart?”</p><p>“Make it a double dose, and fast!”</p><p>“But... The shock that’ll cause! The strain that’ll put on his body! In his state!”</p><p>“It’s not a risk I’d take if I had another choice, but right now it’s his only chance, small as it may be.”</p><p>“I... Yes, Healer Pye.”</p><p>“Press his shoulders down to brace against the shock. Ready? Here it goes.”</p><p>“Oh Merlin, please...”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>06.00h </em>
</p><p>“And?”</p><p>“The shocks have been reduced to quivers now. His heartbeat is still rather quick, but more even.”</p><p>“Good. That’s good. If it doesn’t go back to normal on his own, slowly start him up on the Calming Draught again.”</p><p>“Yes, Healer Pye.”</p><p>“Then ask for someone to take over from you, and get some sleep.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, mister Black, you’re here for another sunrise. Who would’ve thought?” Healer Pye mumbles, standing at the foot of Sirius’s bed. Remus blinks at him, and then turns his head to the window, where he can indeed see daylight coming in.</p><p>He gets up from his chair and more stumbles than walks to where Healer Pye is standing. “He’s made it through the night. What does that mean?”</p><p>Healer Pye gives him a sympathetic, but tired-looking smile. “It’s still hard to tell. I’d say he has a chance. I wish I could offer you more, I wish I could offer <em>him</em> more, but right now a chance is all I can give.”</p><p>“Well,” James clasps Remus’s shoulder. Remus hadn’t even heard him approach. “Good thing then that Sirius has always been one for taking chances!”</p><p> </p><p>When a Healer’s assistant convinces them to step out of the room for some air for just a minute, Remus has barely taken a breath before two arms encircle him and he’s pulled against someone’s chest.</p><p>“Oh, my poor boy! Professor McGonagall never should’ve taken you into such a dangerous situation! My poor boy!”</p><p>“Mum?” Remus mumbles, dazed.</p><p>“That my little boy had to see something like that!”</p><p>“Hope, darling,” his dad’s voice gently interrupts his mum. “Give the boy some air.”</p><p>“Professor McGonagall should’ve known better,” his mum continues undeterred, but she does let Remus go from her strong embrace.</p><p>It’s how his parents have always been. Almost losing her little boy in a vicious werewolf attack and seeing him in so much pain afterwards, made Hope Lupin swear to do whatever she can to never let anything happen to her son again. She tries to keep him sheltered from any potential danger, sometimes even sheltered from life itself. Being the cause of the werewolf attack because of his thoughtless comments and causing his little boy so much suffering and trauma not only then, but for the rest of his life, made Lyall Lupin swear to do whatever he can to make every other aspect of Remus’s life happy. He tries to give Remus whatever he wants, and never refuses him anything.</p><p>His mum overprotective, his dad overindulgent. Remus loves them both dearly.</p><p>“I shall have a word with professor McGonagall about this,” his mum says.</p><p>“Mum, I wanted to be there!” Remus says. “He needed me.”</p><p>“Darling, professor McGonagall couldn’t possibly have even suspected something like this would happen,” his dad says patiently. “And Remus’s friend needed him.”</p><p>“Boyfriend,” Remus says without thinking. Panick starts to rise in his chest, but his dad doesn’t falter for even a second. “His boyfriend needed him,” he corrects completely imperturbable. Remus has never loved him more.</p><p>“I suppose you’re right,” his mum sighs. “No one is to blame but that wicked Walburga witch and her nasty lummox of a husband!” His mum pats Remus’s cheek. “How’s your friend-”</p><p>“Boyfriend,” Remus and his dad correct her at the same time. Remus shoots his dad a grateful look.</p><p>His mum gives both of them a fond smile. “How’s your boyfriend doing?”</p><p>Before Remus can reply, though he has no idea what he was going to reply, Mrs Potter appears, one arm around Regulus.</p><p>“I’m going to put this one into a bed,” she tells Remus’s parents. “Poor thing’s exhausted, can barely stand on his own two legs anymore. Our home has a direct Floo connection to St Mungo’s, and he made everyone here promise three times that they’ll send a message there whenever anything happens, so he can be here within a minute.” She looks hesitantly for a moment. “Perhaps it’d be best for Remus to stay with us as well?”</p><p>“Yes,” his dad says, contemplating. “I suppose it’s no use sending them back to Hogwarts in this situation.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t be able to get James to go anywhere where he can’t get to Sirius in less than a minute,” Mrs Potter smiles. “And I suspect Remus is much the same. Of course, feel free to apparate and come by whenever you want to check up on Remus or make use of our Floo connection.”</p><p>His mum gives her a grateful smile. “Thank you, Mrs Potter. I have to warn you that I will take you up on that offer, whenever my husband is willing to... co-apparate me?” She looks at his dad questioningly.</p><p>“Side-apparition,” his dad says, kissing his wife’s cheek. “And anytime you want.”</p><p>James and Remus feel no urge to leave the hospital for the Potter house anytime soon. They do however eat when Remus’s mum and Mrs Potter bring them a home-cooked meal not much later. Remus is surprised to discover he’s actually hungry. The food makes James so sleepy that he has no choice but to follow Mrs Potter home for a quick nap, and Remus walks with them to the fireplace to say goodbye to his mum. He wants to reassure her that he’s fine, but him being fine is completely dependent upon Sirius being fine, and when it comes to that, there are no reassurances to give.</p><p> </p><p>As Remus steps back into Sirius’s room, Peter is standing at the foot of the bed, arms folded across his chest. “Is it even worth it?” He mumbles to himself.</p><p>“Pete?” Remus asks.</p><p>Peter looks up at him, eyes filled with fear and disbelieve. “His father did this, to his own son.”</p><p>It’s not a question, so Remus doesn’t reply. He goes to stand next to Peter.</p><p>Peter runs a hand through his hair. “Just because they’re blood supremacists and he isn’t? These people are crazy! I mean, we already knew that, but this... Seeing him like this...” Peter shakes his head. “Do you ever just... wonder whether it’s worth it? Going against them so vehemently, I mean? They say that we’re on the brink of a war! The idea of fighting at the forefront of that war, against people who are capable of doing this to their own family, it freaks me out!” Peter lets out a self-depreciating laugh. “Some Gryffindor am I, huh?”</p><p>“Being brave has nothing to do with not being afraid,” Remus says. “Being brave is trying to do the right thing even if you’re afraid. Do you think Sirius wasn’t afraid each time he spoke up against his parents? He was terrified! But you can be terrified and brave at the same time.”</p><p>“Well, at least I got the terrified part down,” Peter mumbles. “I just find myself thinking that I’d rather not get involved, let it run its course, or let other people deal with it. At least not so loudly and openly oppose them, and draw their attention to us and make ourselves a target! If it really does come down to a war, why does it have to be our war? A parent trying to kill his own child! Does seeing what they’re capable of not make you want to stay out of their way?”</p><p>“Seeing what they’re capable of makes me want to fight them even more!” Remus says firmly. “Sirius’s parents aren’t followers of You Know Who, they’re just sympathizers of his ideas. Sirius has purer blood than anyone, he just doesn’t agree with blood supremacy. If they were capable of doing this to him, what do you think actual followers will be capable of doing to actual Muggle-borns? And it won’t stop there. After the Muggle-borns, it’ll be the half-bloods, then everyone who has a Muggle anywhere in their family tree, until only the Sacred Twenty-Eight will be left, if they won’t end up killing each other as well. We have no choice but to fight.”</p><p>“Pure evil,” Peter says slowly. “I guess you can be confronted with pure evil and think ‘why would I even try to fight this?’ Or you can be confronted with pure evil and think ‘this is why I have to at least try to fight’.” He looks at Sirius. “This is why I have to at least try to fight.”</p><p>Remus smiles at him. “You’re a Gryffindor, Wormtail. I know you are.”</p><p>“Well, if you and some moldy, old hat both agree, then it has to be so.”</p><p> </p><p>Strange enough, they settle into some sort of routine. Even Remus eventually has to admit that human bodies don’t work that well without sleep. James, Regulus and him sleep at the Potter house, under strict insurances that they’ll be immediately informed if anything, <em>anything</em>, happens. They spend their days at the hospital, sometimes going to the Potter house for some extra sleep, some food, or if they really need a break from the hospital for a bit. Mrs Potter has somehow asked all Healers, Healer’s assistants and Trainee Healers to keep an eye on them and make sure they sleep and eat. As the Healers already have patients to look after, Remus, James and Regulus would feel guilty if the Healers have to busy themselves with them as well, so they have no choice but to take a little better care of themselves. They do make sure that during the days, at least one of them is at Sirius’s side at all times, not that that’s ever a problem. Peter stays at Hogwarts, but he has permission to visit every day after classes, before dinner.</p><p>Sirius remains stable, which at first was good news, as they had expected him to deteriorate. However, with days passing, good news turns into bad news, as by now, they had expected him so show at least some improvement.</p><p>The chance does not increase, but the chance is there, and Remus, James and Regulus, and Remus kind of suspects Healer Pye as well, hold on to that chance.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading, and I love hearing your opinions! Like I said, comments brighten up my day!<br/>Follow me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a>, my short Wolfstar stories are posted there first!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Three times</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for all the wonderful comments! Those make me so happy.<br/>I'm sorry that this chapter is kind of heavy again.<br/>Tw for talk of dying and heavy hospital room situations.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I need to ask you something, but please don’t freak out.” Mrs Potter is kneeling in front of Remus, James, Regulus and Peter, who are sitting on those chairs in the hall of St Mungo’s. She’s looking at them with a kind smile, but that smile is slightly too tight and doesn’t match the troubled expression in her eyes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus can’t do as she asks, as he’s already freaking out. He’s been freaking out since she woke him up at three in the morning, with that same smile illuminated by the tip of her wand.</p>
<p>“Remus, love?” She had said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I need you to wake up.”</p>
<p>Remus had groggily opened his eyes, feeling grumpy and still half asleep. Then he had realised that Mrs Potter, Mrs Potter who was always saying he needed more rest and always urging him to sleep more, had woken him up at three in the morning. That could only mean...</p>
<p>No, no, no, no, no, no, no.</p>
<p>He had bolted upright when realisation hit him. He had stared at Mrs Potter with unspeakable fear in his eyes, waiting for her to tell him that the worst had happened, wanting her to just <em>say it</em>, but at the same time not wanting to hear it.</p>
<p>Turned out it wasn’t the worst, not yet, but it came very close.</p>
<p>“Please try to stay calm,” Mrs Potter had said. “But you must get up and go the hospital. There has been an internal bleeding, very sudden and severe, causing direct organ failure. The Healers... They’re doing what they can, but... I don’t know. I just don’t know, Remus.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And now Remus is sitting in the hall of St Mungo’s again, waiting again. The Healers had been afraid for internal bleedings, and now it has happened. Remus’s parents and James’s parents are there, which Remus hates, because it implies that they think Remus and James will need comfort, and Remus doesn’t want to think about that. McGonagall is there, which Remus hates, because she’d only come to the hospital in the middle of night if she thought it might be the last time she’d... Remus doesn’t want to think about that either.</p>
<p>“The Healers need some information for their patient record,” Mrs Potter says. “Just standard information they’re required to register for administrative purposes. At the moment, Sirius doesn’t have any legal guardians, and unfortunately, we can’t ask him right now. You are the closest people to him, so I have to ask you what you know of Sirius’s wishes.”</p>
<p>“Wishes?” James mumbles numbly.</p>
<p>“Yes,” his mother says, forcing a light tone in her voice. “You see, sometimes, when someone has to be repeatedly treated by Healers without making much progress, there’s a moment when this person isn’t really living independently anymore, but is more being kept alive by magical support. In those cases, there’s often little chance someone will eventually be capable of living independently again, and even if that does happen, that person isn’t the same anymore. Some people want to take every chance, no matter how small, to stay alive, while other people would rather end the suffering for themselves and their loved-ones and not risk ending up as a different person than they were. Do you, by any chance, have an idea whether Sirius would want to be kept on magical support, or would rather have the Healers... let him go?”</p>
<p>Remus blinks at her, not really comprehending.</p>
<p>“How would we know?” James snaps at his mother. “Do you think that’s something mates talk about amongst each other?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, dear,” Mrs Potter says sympathetically. “I didn’t think-”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to be kept on magical support,” Regulus suddenly says, and they all turn to look at him.</p>
<p>Regulus keeps staring at the floor. “Our great-uncle had a stroke once, and had been kept on magical support for months. He was eventually able to go without, but he could only lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, while his wife had to do everything for him. He still died about a year after. We barely knew him, but Sirius and I were forced to go to the funeral, which was stiff and formal. Afterwards, we discussed how horrible the funeral and the last year of his life had been, and what we would’ve done differently.”</p>
<p>“Thank you so much, Regulus,” Mrs Potter says. “It’s very good that you shared that. You’re being a great help.” She hesitates for a moment. “You said you also discussed the funeral. Do you know if he has any wishes regarding his loved-ones saying goodbye?”</p>
<p>Remus balls his fist. “Why? Do the Healers need to know that for ‘administrative purposes’ as well? Seems unlikely. At that point, their part is done, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Remus,” Mrs Potter says pleadingly. “We’re not assuming... Of course we hope for the best, but we must prepare for the worst.”</p>
<p>Remus gets up on his feet and walks away. He doesn’t want to sit there and listen to Mrs Potter and Regulus pick out bloody flowers for the funeral. After only a few metres, he slumps against the wall.</p>
<p>“Son...” His dad is standing in front of him.</p>
<p>“I love him, dad,” Remus chokes.</p>
<p>His dad doesn’t say anything, just wraps him in his arms and pulls him against his chest. Remus hides his face against his shoulder, soaking his robes with tears.</p>
<p>“I need him. I can’t live without him. I can’t. Without him... I can’t. I can’t lose him, dad.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Healer Pye steps outside the room and slumps against the door. The man looks completely exhausted. He seems to become aware of people around him getting to their feet and anxiously fixing all eyes on him. He straightens himself and plasters that sympathetic Healer-smile on his face.</p>
<p>The seconds before Healer Pye speaks, are probably the longest seconds of Remus’s life. It’ll feel like either relief, or being thrown into a black hole.</p>
<p>“The good news is that he’s still fighting,” Healer Pye says. A collective sigh of relief goes through the group. James’s legs give out, and he drops back down on the chair. Remus’s mum lets out a strangled sob. Mrs Potter squeezes Mr Potter’s hand as tightly as she can.</p>
<p>“We succeeded in stopping the bleeding,” Healer Pye continues. “This healing session even seems to have been more effective than the first treatment. I believe the effect of the Dark Magic is wearing off, and we managed to heal the wound better than we had before.”</p>
<p>Healer Pye is silent for a moment. Remus knows more is coming. Someone doesn’t start with ‘the good news is’ if there’s not going to be a bad part following it.</p>
<p>“The bad news is,” Healer Pye indeed goes on. “That the internal bleeding, and the consequential shock to his organs, has put a lot of strain on his already severely weakened body. It’s uncertain whether he’ll have the strength to recover from yet another blow, whether his body is resilient enough to make it through.”</p>
<p>Remus doesn’t know how to feel, with relief and desperation battling for dominance.</p>
<p>Three times. Three times he had to stand by and watch, while Sirius was almost taken away from him. The cardiac arrest in the entrance hall, the drop of blood pressure that first night, and now the internal bleeding. Three times. He’s not sure how much more he can take.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>Blacks Fugitive after Shocking Family-Drama </strong>
</p>
<p>London, the 15th of February.</p>
<p>By our reporter.</p>
<p>
  <strong>The Ministry of Magic has released an arrest warrant for Orion Black and his wife Walburga Black. The previous week, the pair fled the authorities after Orion Black attacked and wounded his own son, with potentially fatal consequences. </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sixteen-year-old Sirius Black, the eldest son of Orion and Walburga Black, has allegedly been stabbed by his father with a Dark Arts-infested knife. Sirius Black is known for being the only member of the notorious Black family (one of the most ancient Wizarding families with a strong aspiration towards blood purity) not sorted in Slytherin House at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This was already indicative of Sirius Black being at odds with the rest of the family. However, a spokesperson of Wellbeing Acquired by Rescue of Minors from Threatening or Harmful Situations (WARMTHS), an office within the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, responded by saying that within their organization there was no indication to anticipate an escalation such as this. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>However, the incident took place while two Aurors and an official from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement were visiting Orion and Walburga Black, with the intention to place the children in protective custody pending an investigation into accusations of recurrent and severe abuse of the eldest son. These accusations came from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and also contained a statement of a counsellor from WARMTHS, who had been contacted to assist Sirius Black with mental health issues resulting from exposure to prolonged abuse. When asked how it was possible that both the school and WARMTHS were apparently aware of the abuse, but no action was taken sooner, the spokesperson of WARMTHS replied “A counsellor was indeed informed of Sirius Black’s tragic situation a couple of months ago. However, this information was not communicated within our organization due to privacy regulations and the wishes of Sirius Black himself. Only when his parents decided to remove him from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and he could no longer be provided with a safe space, our counsellor made the deliberation to forgo privacy in consideration of Sirius Black’s safety.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Moreover, according to documentation from St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries in possession of The Daily Prophet, Sirius Black has been admitted to St Mungo’s Hospital eight times since the age of thirteen. The reported injuries include gashes on his back and shoulders inflicted by the Lashing Curse, several fractures resulting from being struck with blunt force, bruises in his neck, and even chronic pain symptoms derived from being subjected to the Cruciatus Curse. Medical experts have confirmed that these injuries are undoubtedly indications of recurrent and severe abuse between the ages of thirteen and sixteen. Yet, the authorities were never notified. At the same time, the records show that the Black family has made serval large donations to St Mungo’s Hospital’s research program over the years. When asked about the neglect and potential bribe money, the director of St Mungo’s Hospital responded as follows: “We sincerely regret that in the case of Sirius Black our institution failed in what should have been its main priority: securing the boy’s safety. The staff members involved in the care for Sirius Black have been removed from active duty, effective immediately. Furthermore, we will conduct a thorough internal investigation to uncover what has gone wrong and whether the accusations of bribery are well-founded.” Besides St Mungo’s Hospital, an internal investigation will also be conducted at the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, to see whether mistakes were made that enabled Orion Black to assault his son, while in the presence of two Aurors, and escape, and whether signals of abuse were missed by WARMTHS. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>After the tragic incident, Sirius Black has been brought into St Mungo’s Hospital in a critical condition. His current state, however, is unclear, as none of the Healers was available for comment. The editorial office of The Daily Prophet would like to wish his loved-ones strength in these trying times. The youngest son has been moved to a safe place, while Orion and Walburga Black are still fugitive. According to the arrest warrant, Orion Black is being charged with attempted murder, assault, child abuse and unauthorized use of an Unforgivable Curse, and Walburga Black is being charged with complicity in attempted murder, assault, child abuse and unauthorized use of an Unforgivable Curse. If you have any information on their whereabouts, please contact the Auror office. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Let these events be a lesson for those who believe that pure blood equals superiority; there is nothing superior about parents who are capable of doing this to their own child. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus tosses The Daily Prophet on the kitchen table. “So now everybody knows. Exactly what he didn’t want.”</p>
<p>Lily looks at him with worry in her eyes. She had reached out to Remus and asked if she could talk to him. He invited her over to the Potters’ house, since that’s where he’s staying, though he hasn’t told James that Lily is here. He and Lily are currently sitting at the kitchen table together.</p>
<p>“So it’s true?” Lily asks.</p>
<p>Remus only nods.</p>
<p>“All of it?”</p>
<p>“All of it,” Remus repeats.</p>
<p>Lily presses her hand against her mouth and closes her eyes for a moment. “How long have you...?”</p>
<p>“We only found out what was going on this summer,” Remus replies.</p>
<p>“That blockheaded, stubborn idiot!” Lily mutters, staring ahead. “Keeping it all to himself, not asking for help, thinking he has to deal with it all alone, that idiot!” She looks at Remus again. “How is he?” Her voice is barely a whisper, like she almost doesn’t dare to ask.</p>
<p>Remus shrugs. “Critical indeed. He hasn’t been conscious since it happened.” He swallows. “I was too close to losing him too many times, Lily.”</p>
<p>Lily leans over the table and places her hand on top of his, and the lump in Remus’s throat becomes more prominent.</p>
<p>“I feel like everyone’s just expecting him to die soon,” Remus says, his voice on the edge of breaking. “And I don’t know what to do.”</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry, Remus.”</p>
<p>Remus scrapes his throat, and tries to keep the conversation going. “So I reckon they know at Hogwarts?”</p>
<p>Lily gives his hand one last squeeze and then retreats her hand. “They do,” she says, leaning back in her chair. “It was a strange day. When the article got published and the owls came flying in carrying The Daily Prophet, there was just this collective state of shock. Several girls bursted out into tears. For the rest of the day, everyone was just quiet and defeated, even the teachers, especially in our class, of course. Professor Slughorn cancelled his class after two kettles exploded because students couldn’t keep their focus. Professor Flitwick, kind and calm professor Flitwick, who has never even raised his voice to a student, that professor Flitwick was seething with anger! He let us practice the Bombarda Maxima Charm for the entire lesson. I honestly think he just needed to blow things up himself. And I don’t take Advanced Arithmancy myself, but I heard stern professor Wenlock actually cried! Sirius is really being missed. The only people being horrible about it, are the usual suspects, that small group of Slytherins, Avery, Mulciber, Rosier, Snape, that lot.”</p>
<p>Based on the way she calls him by his last name and the sneer in her voice saying it, Remus hopes she has finally lost her last bit of sympathy for Snape. Then at least something good will have come from this.</p>
<p>“But even they have stopped making nasty remarks,” Lily continues. “After being hexed by at least eight people at the same time a bit too often. And I don’t just mean the Gryffindors! The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs as well, and even the other Slytherins will tell them to shut up. There are so many people who care about Sirius, Remus. Peter is constantly bombarded with questions, but he’s not saying anything.”</p>
<p>“Poor Pete,” Remus sighs. “Being there on his own, while he must also be worried sick.”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry,” Lily says. “We’ve been looking out for him. Well, especially Mary has been looking out for him.”</p>
<p>Remus gives a small smile. Perhaps that’s a second time something good will come from this.</p>
<p>Suddenly, they hear a clamour in the living room, followed by James’s voice. “Moony! I think he has some more colour in his face than yesterday, and I’ve been reading to him from that book you left, and I really think his breathing was more even towards-”</p>
<p>James stops in his tracks at the kitchen entrance as he sees Lily. His hand immediately shoots up to his hair. “Evans,” he stammers, caught off guard. “I didn’t know you were here. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m sorry...”</p>
<p>“Not at all!” Lily quickly says. “Don’t apologise! I mean, it’s your house after all.”</p>
<p>“Would you... Ehm... Would you like something to drink? Some tea?” James asks nervously.</p>
<p>Lily already has a half-full mug with tea standing in front of her, and Remus opens his mouth to say so, but Lily beats him to it.</p>
<p>“Yes, I’d love some.”</p>
<p>Remus closes his mouth again, and decides from the way Lily is looking at James that perhaps it’s best for him to go. He would’ve gone anyway, not wanting to be away from Sirius any longer now that James is no longer with him. He gets up from his chair. “I’m going to head back to the hospital.”</p>
<p>Lily gets up as well and hugs him close. “Please take care, Remus. And if you there’s anything you need, I’m here.”</p>
<p>“Thanks Lils,” Remus murmurs. As he walks to the fireplace, he can hear Lily and James talking.</p>
<p>“How’ve you been, Pot- James?”</p>
<p>James lets out a shaky laugh. “I’ve been better, to be honest.”</p>
<p>“You’re a good friend.”</p>
<p>“Nah. A good friend wouldn’t have gone years without noticing his closest mate is going through so much shite at home.”</p>
<p>“You can’t blame yourself for...”</p>
<p>Their conversation dies down as Remus disappears in the green flames of the Floo network. That’s three times something good may come from this. Sirius would love to hear that. Remus smiles to himself. Sirius will definitely take all credit and rub it in James’s and Peter’s faces when he wakes up. If he wakes up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading, and once again, I'm sorry for the sad chapters, but please leave a comment to tell me what you thought.<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Can't hurt you now</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A bit more hopeful?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It has gotten increasingly difficult to reach Sirius’s bedside. You have to make your way through a jungle of flowers and plants people have been sending to St Mungo’s in large amounts. One plant sent by Hagrid had to be removed, as it had the tendency to latch itself around the legs of any Healer or Trainee Healer entering the room. Every surface not covered in flowers or plants is filled with stuffed animals, gift bags or care packages. There’s also a huge pile of get well soon-cards, and more are coming in each day.</p>
<p>Remus has taken to eating the chocolate from the gift bags and care packages. At first, he felt guilty eating chocolate that was meant for Sirius, but then he considered how ridiculous it is to think that Sirius, who buys chocolate more so he can share it with Remus than for himself, would mind Remus eating his chocolate while sitting at his bedside. Besides, if Sirius wakes up, whether he’ll be bothered by the missing chocolate will be the last thing on Remus’s mind.</p>
<p>Remus is chewing on the last bit of what was a milk chocolate bar from Honeydukes. With one hand he’s holding Sirius’s, absentmindedly stroking the back with his thumb. He’s using his other hand to pick up the next get well soon-card.</p>
<p>Regulus has spent the morning going through the gift bags and care packages, sorting out food that’ll expire soon, and setting aside the things Sirius likes best. Remus and James are now spending the rest of the day sorting through the get well soon-cards. Since they’re way too many for Sirius to read them all, they pick out the ones he really should see.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Got another love confession!” James speaks while stuffing some more Fudge Flies in his mouth. “That brings my total to eight.”</p>
<p>“I’m already at eleven.”</p>
<p>“Some third-year Hufflepuff. Merlin, what does she expect?”</p>
<p>“Don’t be mean. If I were a thirteen-year-old girl, I’d be crushing on Sirius too.”</p>
<p>James snorts. “If you were anyone, you’d be crushing on Sirius.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus felt a little awkward in the beginning, reading post not meant for him, but they’re cards meant to be displayed in a hospital room. It’s not as if they’re sealed envelops, so he supposes the senders could’ve expected others might read them. Besides, many of them also contain well-wishes for him, James or Regulus, so it makes sense to read them. And Remus reckons that someone who declares their love for Sirius while they know his boyfriend will be sitting by his bedside, doesn’t care much about being discreet to begin with.</p>
<p>“You won’t believe this girl! <em>‘Sirius, I’ve had my eye on you for a while, and I really think I’d be better for you’</em>. And then this. <em>‘Remus, I wish you lots of strength in these difficult times’</em>. Really, how can you end with well-wishes for me like you didn’t spend the rest of the card propositioning my boyfriend?”</p>
<p>James snorts.</p>
<p>Remus’s face flushes as he reads how the girl elaborately describes how she plans on cheering Sirius up once he’s well enough.</p>
<p>“Padfoot is <em>not</em> reading this card!” Remus exclaims indignantly.</p>
<p>James snorts even louder.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Listen to this: <em>‘Dear Sirius, get well soon, so you and James can drag your asses back to Hogwarts and we have our top Chasers back. And even if you’re not able to play yet, please come back soon anyway, because we guess we miss you even if you can’t win us the cup’</em>. From the lads from the Quidditch team.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“McDonald writes she can’t bear the heavy angst of half of her favourite pairing dying.”</p>
<p>James raises an eyebrow. “Well, she’s... invested. This one too. <em>‘Sirius, you bloody berk, don’t you dare die! I swear to Merlin, I’ll find a way to bring you back from the dead, only so I can kill you myself’</em>.”</p>
<p>Remus shudders. “Well if anyone can do that, it’ll be McKinnon.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“This is nice.” Remus passes a card to James. “A group of Slytherins writing to Reg, saying that they hope he’s okay and that they’re sorry about what happened.”</p>
<p>“Ah, that’s good to hear. I’d hate to leave Reg to the likes of Avery and Mulciber when he goes back to Hogwarts.”</p>
<p>“At least this proofs that not all Slytherins are terrible.”</p>
<p>“That’s what you call exceptions to the rule, Moony.”</p>
<p>Remus rolls his eyes.</p>
<p>He’s not sure when Regulus became Reg, but they’ve gotten a lot closer to Sirius’s little brother lately. Apparently, watching a person you all love almost die makes for a great bonding moment. Not that Remus would recommend it for any teambuilding events.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“ <em>‘Our love would be difficult, but I’ll handle any obstacles in our way’</em>.” James snickers. “Stay clear from this one, Moony! He might decide you’re one of the ‘obstacles’ he needs to ‘handle’!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Have you ever heard of someone named Andromeda?”</p>
<p>“Nope,” Remus pops another piece of chocolate in his mouth. “But based on her name, I’m gonna take a wild guess and say she’s a Black?”</p>
<p>“She writes that she’s a cousin of Sirius and Regulus, but they haven’t been in contact for years, since she was excommunicated from the family when she started dating a Muggle. She says she read what happened in The Prophet, and would really like to get reacquainted. What do you think?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t trust any Black, save Reg and Padfoot, of course, and I don’t want any of them near Padfoot.”</p>
<p>“Part of me agrees, but on the other hand, if this lady really is a member of the Black family and a Slytherin, but still said ‘to hell with you all, I’m marrying a Muggle’, she sounds like a ballsy woman I’d like to meet.”</p>
<p>“It’s not our decision anyway. Let’s give the letter to Reg, and see if he knows more about her.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Flitwick writes that he’ll deny ever saying this, but he’s starting to miss his crayons being hexed each class.”</p>
<p>“Aw, poor Flitwick.” James grins. “The teachers’ lives must be so boring without us. Hey, maybe we should start making a list of pranks for when we’re back!”</p>
<p>“Yeah...” Remus doesn’t really respond. Peter had actually suggested something similar, but Remus had immediately pictured himself accidentally coming across the list one day when Sirius wasn’t around anymore, and just imagining that, the pain nearly floored him. He’s also angry with himself for even thinking it. He’s supposed to be the one who firmly believes Sirius is going to live, dammit!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>James stretches his arms above his head as he gets up. “I’m going to bring these letters to Reg, and immediately grab something to eat. Do you want something?”</p>
<p>“Nah, not hungry,” Remus replies.</p>
<p>James eyes all the empty chocolate wrappings surrounding Remus, and arches an eyebrow. “Gee, I wonder how that can be.”</p>
<p>Remus throws a chocolate frog at his head, which James, with his stupid Quidditch reflexes, catches and sticks into his mouth before he leaves.</p>
<p>Remus sighs. He should probably throw out those wrapping papers. He may be the kind of person who eats his sick boyfriend’s chocolate, but he doesn’t have to flaunt it.</p>
<p>He gets up and moves to make his way over to the bin, but stops in his tracks as he feels a tug on his arm. He whirls around and stares in amazement at Sirius’s hand firmly gripping his wrist.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“Corpus Scannexus.” </em>
</p>
<p>A faint glow appears at the crown of Sirius’s head and glides downward over his body, only disappearing after passing his toes. Healer Pye, with his wand outstretched, frowns.</p>
<p>“I swear I wasn’t imagining it!” Remus says. “It really was a deliberate grip, like he didn’t want me to leave.”</p>
<p>“You are right, Remus Lupin,” Healer Pye says.</p>
<p>“I- what?”</p>
<p>Healer Pye turns to Remus with a smile, and now Remus can clearly see the difference between his plastered on-smile and a genuine smile. “I said you are right. He’s in a much less deep state of unconsciousness. It has gotten more shallow, so to speak.”</p>
<p>“That... That’s good, right?” Remus asks hesitantly.</p>
<p>“Very good,” Healer Pye replies with the smile still on his face. “He’s slowly but steadily struggling to the surface.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus has to remind himself constantly that it’s a good thing, a very good thing, that Sirius is in a more shallow state of unconsciousness, because it has become a lot harder to watch him.</p>
<p>Sirius’s breathing has gotten more irregular, and with his face contorted in pain, grimacing and clenching his jaw, he sounds and looks a lot less at ease. He often tosses his head to the side, and his hands will tightly grip the bedsheets. The worst are the pained, soft whimpers he lets out. Remus had wanted to hear his voice again so bad, but now each little noise feels like a knife to his heart. Sirius being more aware also means being more aware of the pain, and he’s clearly suffering.</p>
<p>At the moment, Sirius is only on Strengthening Solution. The Blood-Replenishing Potion was stopped when the wound was no longer bleeding, and his blood pressure seemed stable. The Healers don’t dare to give him any Calming Draught or even a Pain Potion. The sedative effect those have, might decrease his chances of waking up.</p>
<p>No one can do anything but let Sirius suffer through the pain. Remus can only sit by his bedside, make soothing noises and tell him he’s not alone and it’s going to be okay.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>One afternoon, Sirius is relatively calm. The last sunlight of the day falls through the window, and Remus, sitting next to Sirius holding his hand, closes his eyes in the warm light in an effort to relax a little.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he hears a gurgling noise. Immediately Remus sits up and looks at Sirius. Sirius seems to be rasping, on the verge of coughing. Remus reaches out and gently places a hand on Sirius’s cheek, but the soothing words he was going to say die in his throat, as the moment he touches his face, Sirius’s eyes open.</p>
<p>Soft, silver eyes, as beautiful as Remus remembers, but there’s fear in them as well.</p>
<p>It looks like Sirius tries to speak, but he still has the Fluxweed in his mouth, and he starts coughing. The movement of the coughs must cause intense hurt at the wound and Sirius shrivels. What’s worse, during the coughs, he spits out the Fluxweed, and immediately starts gasping for air. There’s panic in his eyes now, and as a response to this panic he starts trashing.</p>
<p>Remus firmly grips his shoulders and brings his face close to Sirius’s. “Sirius, look at me. Look at me, Sirius, look at me. It’s me, it’s Remus, I’m right here, I’m with you. It’s alright. Everything’s alright. I’m going to put this back in your mouth, because it’ll help you breath. You’ll have to trust me, okay? There you go. Easy, just like that.”</p>
<p>With Remus hovering over Sirius, holding his face in his hands and whispering to him, Sirius seems to relax. He regains control over his breathing, also because the Fluxweed is back in place, and soon has trouble keeping his eyes open.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Remus whispers. “You need rest. Sleep, my love. I’ll wait for you.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s eyes flutter close.</p>
<p>Remus drops back on his chair, his whole body shaking. Slowly, realisation dawns on him. It happened. What he had been desperately longing for, but had been afraid he would never do again, happened. He looked into Sirius’s eyes, and Sirius had been looking back.</p>
<p>Remus hides his face in his hands as he cries.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus has his hands balled into fists to stop them from trembling. James is standing next to him, with Regulus clutching his arm, seemingly without realising. Healer Pye is standing at the foot of Sirius’s bed, with a kind, calm and open expression on his face. Sirius is lying in bed, looking at him. He needs to focus on the Healer, so he’s not aware of the other boys standing a little to the side.</p>
<p>“Very good,” Healer Pye says. “In and out. In and out. Deep breaths, very good. In a moment, I’ll remove the Fluxweed from your mouth.”</p>
<p>Healer Pye isn’t wasting any time. The sooner Sirius’s body can function on his own, the better. Removing the Fluxweed to see if Sirius can manage breathing on his own, will be an important indication of how his vitals are. Remus feels the nerves coursing through his body.</p>
<p>“I need you to listen carefully,” Healer Pye says, looking at Sirius intently, who keeps up the deep breaths and gives a small, shaky nod. “Removing the Fluxweed can be scary. The contrast can make if feel as if you’re suddenly not getting enough air. However, this doesn’t have to be the case. It’s very important that you keep breathing steadily. There’s no need to panic. I’m right here, you’re in good hands, we’ll help you if necessary, so try to stay calm. That’s all you have to do, stay calm and keep up this steady rhythm of breathing, no matter how scary it feels.”</p>
<p>Sirius gives another small nod, and Healer Pye moves to his side to gently take the Fluxweed from his mouth.</p>
<p>Sirius’s breath halts for a moment. Then he almost frantically sucks in a breath, his eyes widening in fear.</p>
<p>“Breath out,” Healer Pye urges.</p>
<p>Sirius lets out a shaky breath, but much too soon he gasps for air again.</p>
<p>“Out,” Healer Pye says. “More, more, more, that’s it. And now in. Slowly, slowly.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s breath comes in fits and starts, but it’s already much less frantic than before.</p>
<p>“Look at me, Sirius. In, out, in, out, follow my breathing, in, out, in, out... Very good, Sirius. You’re doing very well. In, out, keep it up.”</p>
<p>Sirius is doing it. Maybe a bit shaky from time to time, but he’s breathing, steadily and in his own. Remus and James exchange wide grins.</p>
<p>Healer Pye looks over his shoulder. “One of you,” he says. “We don’t want to overwhelm him.”</p>
<p>Remus looks at Regulus, who’s the only one who has the claim of direct family, but Regulus urges Remus to go, and James immediately nods.</p>
<p>Remus walks forward on unsteady legs, and bends down besides Sirius’s head.</p>
<p>“Padfoot,” he says softly.</p>
<p>Sirius’s eyes find his, and a small smile appears on his lips. “Moony.” It’s barely audible, but Remus can make out the word.</p>
<p>“I’m here,” he says. “And James is here and Regulus is here. You’re safe. No one can hurt you now. No one will hurt you anymore.”</p>
<p>Tears are glistening in Sirius’s eyes, but the small smile is still there. Remus takes his hand and keeps speaking to him softly. “You’re doing so well, love, and I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong, you’re so brave, and you’re doing so well.”</p>
<p>After a short time, tiredness takes over again. Sirius can barely keep his eyes open, and Remus gently brushes his hair back. “It’s okay. Just rest, sweetheart. I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.”</p>
<p>Sirius opens his eyes for just another moment and looks at Remus. His voice sounds hoarse and unsteady as he speaks. “Love you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading, and I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!<br/>Or if you want to talk about this fic, it'll be great if you message me on Tumblr, where you can find me as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a>!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. You have no idea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>We've seen Sirius reunited with Remus, now it's time for his brothers!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Meadowes and Dearborn will be the Chasers for the upcoming match against Hufflepuff,” James says, sitting cross-legged on a chair besides Sirius’s bed. “McKinnon says she hates it, but we all know that’s just for Sirius’s sake. She adores Meadowes.”</p>
<p>“She does,” Remus replies, sitting at the other side of the bed.</p>
<p>“Well, at least Meadowes knows how to handle a Quaffle,” James continues. “I’m not too thrilled about Dearborn’s game.”</p>
<p>“You can replace Dearborn once you’re back, then Meadowes can stick around some longer.” Remus reaches out and brushes a strand of hair away from Sirius’s sleeping face. “It’ll be a while before he’ll be playing again.”</p>
<p>James arches an eyebrow. “Something tells me you want him to not play any Quidditch for longer than a while.”</p>
<p>Remus gives him a level look. “Are you accusing me of not wanting my injured boyfriend, who I almost lost just days ago, to be flying on a wobbly piece of wood fifty metres up in the air while others are smashing hard balls at his head? Well, guilty as charged.”</p>
<p>“Fair enough,” James says, throwing up his hands. “But I’m not giving up my best Chaser forever! I hope he doesn’t have to stop playing permanently, if it were up to you?”</p>
<p>“If it were up to me,” Remus replies. “I’d lock him up in a room with nothing but peace, sunshine and happiness, where I can dote on him and nothing and no one can ever, <em>ever</em>, hurt him again!”</p>
<p>“That might be a problem,” James says dryly. “Padfoot would do almost anything for you, but not even those puppy eyes of yours can make him agree with being locked up in a room. This is still Padfoot we’re talking about! Padfoot, who’s convinced he can make a Muggle motorbike fly. Padfoot, who once tried to jump off the Hogwarts Express on a dare. Padfoot, who snuck into the Forbidden Forest and found a giant spider, and instead of staying away from there in the future, went back the next night just to prove it to me. That Padfoot.”</p>
<p>“I know!” Remus groans. “Don’t remind me, I know. I know I’ll have to eventually let him go back into the big, bad world, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, I can keep him safe and sound in bed where I can look after and take care of him.” Remus gently strokes Sirius’s cheek.</p>
<p>James gives him a small smile. “As long as you know.” Then he sighs. “And I suppose having Meadowes on the team isn’t so bad, even though she’s no Pads, as long as we won’t be needing Dearborn. The other option was having one of the Prewetts fill the position of Chaser, but then McDonald would need to replace him as a Beater, and no one wants that.” James shudders. “She’s feisty enough, alright, but she just smashes Bludgers at the heads of whoever she sees.”</p>
<p>Remus gives him a confused look. “Isn’t that what a Beater is supposed to do?”</p>
<p>“Moony!” James exclaims exasperated. “It’s not as simple as that! There’s a tactic behind it!”</p>
<p>Remus only half listens as James takes off in an elaborate explanation of the tactics behind smashing Bludgers at someone’s head, so it takes him a while to realise James has stopped talking mid-sentence.</p>
<p>“Padfoot?” James whispers.</p>
<p>Remus quickly looks down at Sirius, and sees that he’s indeed staring at James and James is staring back at him. It’s the first time in a long time the best friends are looking at each other again.</p>
<p>“Merlin, Padfoot.” James takes Sirius’s hand in both of his. “You have no idea how good it is to see you.” His voice catches and tears well up in his eyes.</p>
<p>“Prongs,” Sirius murmurs.</p>
<p>James lets out a breathy laugh. “Do you remember when I snuck into the Slytherin common room to cast a Sticking Charm on all of their furniture, but they caught me and stuck me at the back of a tapestry? You found me after five hours, and I said I’d never been happier to see you?”</p>
<p>Sirius nods with a faint smile.</p>
<p>“Well, this is that times a hundred!”</p>
<p>Sirius squeezes his hand.</p>
<p>James beams at him. “I missed you so much, Pads.”</p>
<p>“You too,” Sirius says softly, and he turns his head to Remus. “You both.”</p>
<p>Remus takes his other hand and brings it to his lips to kiss his knuckles.</p>
<p>James ends up telling Sirius what happened in the Quidditch season so far, and Sirius is looking at him with a content smile on his face, just listening to the sound of his voice, until he slowly drifts off to sleep.</p>
<p>When it’s clear he’s asleep, Remus and James look at each other, tears on their cheeks and stupid grins on their faces.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus had wanted to go to St Mungo’s immediately, but from the look on Mrs Potter’s face, she was having none of that, so he sits at the Potters’ kitchen table trying to eat a piece of toast. Remus had stayed with Sirius until late yesterday, and this morning, he slept for too long. At least James already went ahead to be with Sirius. Remus has no appetite though, and it’s hard to swallow everything down around the lump in his throat.</p>
<p>James steps into the kitchen, and Remus sits up. James smiles, and relief courses through Remus’s body.</p>
<p>“He’s having a good day,” James says.</p>
<p>The lump in Remus’s throat starts to dissipate. Two days ago, Sirius had been awake all day, but that was only because he was in such pain he couldn’t sleep. While he was awake, he hadn’t been responsive, and didn’t even seem aware of his surroundings. He had just been breathing heavily, staring up at the ceiling, and when he spoke, he was begging for somebody, <em>anybody</em>, to make the pain go away. It had been incredibly hard to watch. When Remus had returned to the hospital room after a short break, James had been sitting in the hall with his head in his hands, because he couldn’t take it anymore. Eventually, the Healers had decided that it was for the best after all to give him a combination of Pain Potion and Sleeping Draught. The next day, Sirius had been asleep without waking once, which was better, but still very unnerving.</p>
<p>“He was still sleeping quite a lot, of course,” James says. “But he was awake multiple times, and lucid every time. He was quite responsive, even.”</p>
<p>The toast suddenly seems to taste a lot better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Hi baby,” Remus says upon entering the hospital room and seeing Sirius awake. He leans over to press a kiss on his cheek. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Sirius says, his voice sounding hoarse.</p>
<p>“Would you like some water?” Remus asks, and Sirius nods. Remus uses one hand to hold up his head, and the other to bring a cup of water to his lips. Sirius can move his arms and his head, but he can’t sit up, or even lift his head, as that requires tightening his abdominal muscles, which he’s not capable of yet.</p>
<p>Sirius lets his head fall back into the pillow. “Moony?” He says after a short silence.</p>
<p>“Yes, love?”</p>
<p>“You’re not... lying to me?”</p>
<p>Remus frowns. “No. No, I’m not.”</p>
<p>“If you only told me he’s here...”</p>
<p>“Everything I told you is true,” Remus tries to reassure him.</p>
<p>“I’d understand if you did, but...” Sirius takes a few steadying breaths. “If he’s with them, I must...”</p>
<p>“I didn’t just say it to keep you calm,” Remus says, looking at Sirius intently. “He’s not with them anymore. He’s safe, I promise.”</p>
<p>Sirius turns his gaze away. “If he is... I don’t get why...”</p>
<p>Remus sighs. “I think he feels guilty. I could imagine him feeling guilty. He knew, and he did ask you...”</p>
<p>Sirius narrows his eyes at Remus. “Not his fault.”</p>
<p>“I know, I know,” Remus says quickly. “I’m not saying that I blame him, I don’t. I’m saying that I could understand why he’d blame himself, that’s a different thing.”</p>
<p>Sirius stares at him for a moment, and then nods.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus hardly greets the Potters before striding up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. He swings the bedroom door open.</p>
<p>“Don’t you think you should knock, Lupin?” Regulus asks irritably.</p>
<p>“Don’t you think you should go see your brother in the hospital?” Remus retorts.</p>
<p>Regulus looks away. “He wouldn’t want to see me.”</p>
<p>“The fact that he’s been asking about you suggests otherwise,” Remus replies impatiently.</p>
<p>“He has?”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t believe us anymore. He’s starting to think that we’re lying to him, telling him that you left your parents only to ease his mind.” Remus lets out a bitter laugh. “I’m almost starting to think that we should tell him you’re still with your parents. That’ll be less painful to him than knowing you’re right here, but refuse to even see him!”</p>
<p>“Maybe I should go back to my parents,” Regulus says, not meeting Remus’s eyes. “Their anger will be no more than I deserve.”</p>
<p>“Your brother is hurt and worried, and he needs you,” Remus speaks in a firm voice. “You better get a grip, Regulus Black, because we don’t have time for your self-pity.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus is reading Sirius from one of his favourite books. He’s not sure whether Sirius is actually following the story, or just likes the sound of his voice, but he doesn’t care.</p>
<p>Suddenly, he sees Regulus standing in the doorway. Regulus looks like he wants to turn around and leave, but the look Remus gives him puts that idea right out of his head. Hesitantly, Regulus shuffles closer to the bed.</p>
<p>Sirius turns his head to Remus when he notices he has stopped reading, and Remus nods in Regulus’s direction.</p>
<p>“Reggie!” Sirius automatically tries to sit up when he spots his little brother. He winches as pain shoots through his body and falls back into the pillow.</p>
<p>Regulus stops at the foot of the bed.</p>
<p>“Reggie...” Sirius says again.</p>
<p>“I need to say something.” Regulus is staring at Sirius’s feet and pointedly not meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry. No, let me speak!” He says, as Sirius opens his mouth. “I’m sorry. I’ve known all along and I never tried to help you. On the contrary, I blamed you. When they hurt you, I told you that you brought it upon yourself.”</p>
<p>Remus feels anger flare up inside him. He thinks of them hitting Sirius, and Regulus proceeding to tell him it was his own fault, but Sirius shows no anger. Remus reminds himself that he can’t imagine what it must’ve been like for Regulus, growing up in an abusive environment like that, even if he wasn’t the one being abused. If Sirius doesn’t judge him for it, then Remus has no right to do so.</p>
<p>“I just thought...” Regulus continues. “If I could just get you to act the way they wanted you to act, I could keep our family together, and everything would be fine. I couldn’t let you leave! I knew that if you left, you’d go to Potter and Lupin and I would lose you. I’m sorry I wanted you to be someone you’re not.”</p>
<p>“Only so I could stay,” Sirius says. “Only because you cared.”</p>
<p>“Only because I was selfish,” Regulus says bitterly. “I wanted you to stay, and that’s all I thought about, what I wanted. I didn’t think about what would be best for you, which was to get out of there as fast as possible.” Regulus finally looks up to meet Sirius’s eyes, with tears glistening in his own. “I was wrong, Sirius. I need you to know that. Every time I told you it was your fault, I was wrong. It was never your fault. None of it is your fault. It’s all on them.”</p>
<p>Sirius reaches out his hand. “Come here.”</p>
<p>Regulus takes his hand, and Sirius pulls him into a hug with surprising strength, although he needs to suppress another wince of pain.</p>
<p>Regulus’s shoulders start shaking as Sirius holds him. “I thought you’d hate me for not being on your side.”</p>
<p>Sirius shakes his head. “I thought you’d hate me for breaking our family.”</p>
<p>Remus quietly leaves the room to give the brothers some privacy. He’s immensely glad that with all the damage Walburga and Orion Black have done, their bond is still intact.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now Remus has never been particularly fond of the full moon, but he especially curses the heavens that he can’t skip this one. He tells Mr and Mrs Potter he’ll be spending a night with his parents when he goes to the Shrieking Shack, no doubt they’ll cover for him, knowing very well what kind of night it is. He uses the Floo Network to get to the Hog’s Head Inn. The innkeeper there never asks any questions, and students are rare1ly seen, as they usually gather at The Three Broomsticks. James uses the Invisibility Cloak to follow, and he and Peter join up with him later.</p>
<p>Remus had told James he shouldn’t come, that he needed to take care of Sirius.</p>
<p>“I asked him,” James had replied. “I said ‘Oi, Padfoot. How should I take care of you? By sitting by your bedside in the evening, going to sleep, and sitting by your bedside in the morning, or by going with your boyfriend to prevent himself from brutally mutilating himself?’”</p>
<p>Remus had crossed his arms over his chest. “You did not ask him that!”</p>
<p>“I didn’t,” James had immediately admitted. “But if I had, what do you reckon his answer would’ve been?”</p>
<p>He had a point. James couldn’t do much for Sirius at night, and even though not coming would make James less tired in the morning, coming would make Remus less injured in the morning, which also counts for something. They won’t go outside, not with only one large animal to control the wolf, but having the stag present to distract him, will still make the wolf less likely to scratch and bite himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Not your house, St Mungo’s,” Remus says, as he and James step into the fireplace at the Hog’s Head Inn the next morning, Remus being supported by James.</p>
<p>James frowns. “Are you sure? You really need more rest.”</p>
<p>“I do,” Remus says. “And what better place to rest than a hospital?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Joya, the Trainee Healer, takes one look at the pale, sickly and tired-looking boy with cuts and bruises here and there sitting in the chair at the bedside, and waves her wand to make another bed appear adjoining the first.</p>
<p>“Lie down,” she says. “If you insist on being here, you might as well get some proper rest.”</p>
<p>Remus wants to protest, but his muscles ache, the chair isn’t 1very comfortable, and the bed looks very inviting. He lies down, and with a flick of her wand, Joya heals his injuries as best she can, which is only a little, considering they’re caused by a magical creature. She then makes him drink a Pain Potion and leaves the room, without asking any questions. Remus feels eternally grateful.</p>
<p>He focusses on the steady rhythm of sleeping Sirius’s breathing, and soon drifts off himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he wakes, Sirius is looking at him with soft, silver-grey eyes and a small smile. He’s holding Remus’s hand, their fingers intertwined.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he whispers.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Remus replies.</p>
<p>“Sorry I wasn’t there.”</p>
<p>“Don’t,” Remus says, but Sirius continues.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry. I haven’t been there for so many moons...”</p>
<p>“Don’t,” Remus says more firmly. “Don’t, Sirius, don’t. You have no idea... No idea at all. You were almost taken away from me.” Remus’s voice breaks, and he has to swallow before he can continue. “I thought I was going to lose you forever. And now I’m waking up after a full moon, with you next to me, smiling at me, holding my hand, and it’s not a dream. So don’t you dare apologise, because you have no idea what that means. What this-” He holds up their intertwined hands in front of them “-means.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s eyes are filled with emotion, but he stays silent. Both boys are lying on their backs, staring up at their intertwined hands still held up in front of them.</p>
<p>“Look at us,” Sirius says after a while. “Aren’t we some couple? Having adjoining hospital beds.”</p>
<p>Remus can’t help but laugh at that. “Bet they’re all jealous.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading! And I'm living for the comments on this!</p>
<p>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. What love actually is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Some Fluff, some Angst, some smiles, some tears.</p><p>Tw: child abuse and violence</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hi,” Remus says, as Sirius slowly opens his eyes.</p><p>“Hi,” Sirius murmers.</p><p>Remus gives him a moment to slowly wake up, secretly enjoying how utterly adorable Sirius looks, being al drowsy with sleep and potions, with his normally perfect hair sticking up in all directions.</p><p>Sirius frowns. “Was Prongs here?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Remus says. “He was with you this morning.”</p><p>Sirius shakes his head. “I remember him telling me Evans asked him out for coffee, so I was sure I hallucinated the whole thing.”</p><p>“No, I can confirm,” Remus chuckles. “We know Prongs has this incredibly caring and protective side, especially when it comes to you, and Lily has finally gotten to see this side of him. And what’s more, Prongs was so focused on you, he didn’t even think about acting cool or trying to impress her. Turns out, all it took was for him to act like a normal person.”</p><p>Sirius grins. “Who would’ve thought?”</p><p>“It’s all thanks to you, actually,” Remus adds.</p><p>Sirius lifts his gaze to the ceiling. “I knew my suffering had to have a higher cause!”</p><p>Remus laughs. “Prongs will be hearing about this for a long time, won’t he?”</p><p>Sirius looks back at Remus. “Do you think it’ll put too much of a damper on the mood if I mention ‘that time I almost died’ in my best man speech at their wedding?”</p><p>“If they’ll get married within the next five years, I think that would be classified as ‘too soon’.”</p><p>Sirius sighs. “Knowing Prongs, he’ll propose in a month or so.”</p><p> </p><p>The next day, Remus and James meet up with Peter in the entrance hall before going to see Sirius. As always, Peter is carrying lots of messages and gifts people at Hogwarts have given him to pass on to Sirius.</p><p>“Madam Rosmerta wanted Sirius to have one of her best bottles of Mead!”</p><p>James takes the bottle from Peter and whistles through his teeth. “Pads is gonna love this! It’s a lot better than those green juices professor Sprout keeps writing about. Gotta keep it hidden from the Healers though.”</p><p>Remus sniffs. “Sure, let’s give the sick hospital patient a bottle of alcohol behind the Healers’ backs. That sounds like a good idea.”</p><p>“Here Moony.” Peter tosses him a bar of Get Well Soon-chocolate. “From Meadowes. She said she could pretend to give it to Sirius, but she knew where it would end up, so she told me to just give it straight to you.”</p><p>“Cheers,” Remus says.</p><p>Janes grins. “Meadowes knows what she’s about. If you want to cheer Padfoot up, the best way is to make Moony happy!”</p><p>“I also have a note from Dearborn, wishing very vehemently that Sirius gets well soon, so that at least one of you can return to the Quidditch team. He says that all his joints are aching.” Peter sighs sympathetically. “Poor lad. He could barely make it up the stairs. The Prewetts are ruthless. They want to win the cup in Sirius’s honour.”</p><p>Remus winches in sympathy. Nice as it is, no need to make poor Caradoc Dearborn suffer. James just nods approvingly.</p><p>“Oh, and I got a card from Elsbeth Carrington, saying that she hopes Sirius is doing better, and that she misses you and hopes you can come back soon, as Hogwarts is not the same without you guys.”</p><p>“That’s so kind.”</p><p>“Very kind.”</p><p>“Who the hell is Elsbeth Carrington?”</p><p>“I have no idea!”</p><p>“Oh, thank Merlin, I thought I was the only one. Me neither!”</p><p> </p><p>When Remus, James and Peter walk into Sirius’s room, they stop in their tracks. Remus shrieks and promptly drops the chocolate on the floor.</p><p>A large pillow stuffed behind his back, Sirius is <em>sitting up</em> in bed, grinning brightly at them. “Surprise!”</p><p>Remus rushes forward and wraps his arms around Sirius’s shoulders, kissing his beautiful, grinning face everywhere he can. “Look at you, sweetheart, look at you! You’re upright! You’re sitting! I had no idea you’d already be capable of that!”</p><p>“I see your plan of surprising your boyfriend has worked out very well for you?” Joya appears in the doorway.</p><p>Sirius beams at Remus, and Remus kisses his cheek again. “I’m so proud of you, baby.”</p><p>“Merlin’s beard, you two are so bloody cute together,” Joya says. “It’s almost too much to bear.”</p><p>“At least you don’t have to share a dorm with them,” James chuckles.</p><p>“I feel for you, Potter.” Joya ruffles James’s hair, and in the same motion plucks the bottle of Mead out of his hands. “And I’ll be holding onto this. Sirius can have it when he leaves St Mungo’s.”</p><p>“Is that one of Rosie’s finest?” Sirius asks. “Oh, come on, Joya. Don’t be a spoilsport!”</p><p>Joya smiles smugly at him. “Take it up with Lupin if you want the bottle.”</p><p>One look at Remus’s face, and Sirius mumbles “I suppose waiting till I leave St Mungo’s actually sounds like a good idea.”</p><p>“I can try to make you one of those green juices professor Sprout recommended, though,” Joya calls as she leaves the room.</p><p>Sirius groans. “Haven’t I suffered enough, Joya?”</p><p> </p><p>Sitting up, Sirius can for the first time really take in the immense amount of cards, letters, drawings, flowers, plants, fruit baskets, teas, sweets, snacks, books, and whatnot littering the room. He knows there was an article in The Daily Prophet, and that his situation is now widely known among the magical community, but he never considered this would be the consequence.</p><p>He looks around with wide eyes. “Why... Why would so many people send this?”</p><p>“Because they care,” Remus says.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because everyone who knows you thinks you’re great,” Peter answers.</p><p>“Not everyone,” Sirius mumbles.</p><p>“Everyone who matters,” Remus says firmly.</p><p>“Yeah,” Peter continues with a grin. “And the ones who don’t know you, apparently think you’re some tragic, handsome, young hero.”</p><p>Sirius arches an eyebrow and looks at Peter disbelievingly.</p><p>“It’s true though,” James says. “You’ve become somewhat of a symbol.”</p><p>“A symbol of <em>what</em>?”</p><p>“Opposing pureblood supremacy,” James answers plainly. “The Blacks are the textbook example of an ancient pureblood family who feel like their family name places them above others. The personification of the lot You Know Who wants to empower. The horrible things they’ve done to you, their own son, even when you were just a little kid, have shown to the whole world just how twisted those kind of people can be, and how messed up their ideals are.”</p><p>“At the same time you’ve become an inspiration,” Peter adds. “Going against everything you were taught, standing up against harmful ideas, despite the danger to yourself.”</p><p>“And some people know the romantic tragedy behind it.” James grins, and continues talking in a dramatic tone. “How you had fallen in love with a halfblood boy, and bravely defied your family, all for the sake of love!”</p><p>Peter grins as well. “You’re like a storybook hero!”</p><p>Sirius smiles wryly. “The storybook heroes I grew up with wouldn’t have let themselves defencelessly get taken out by their own mommy and daddy.”</p><p>“You stood up for what you believed in, despite the cost to yourself,” James states. “That’s heroic, whether you like it or not.”</p><p>“And you’ve had an actual influence on this threat of an upcoming war,” Remus assures Sirius. “With the Blacks in mind, less people are sympathetic towards pureblood supremacy, and more people now see the necessity of firmly opposing it! Even the Ministry has agreed to come down harder on You Know Who and his toxic ideas, before things get out of hand.”</p><p>Sirius shakes his head. “Possibly influencing a war, that’s insane! Though I suppose it’s not as unbelievable as getting Evans to ask out Prongs...”</p><p>“Oi!”</p><p> </p><p>Later that day, James and Peter have left, and Healer Pye is standing at the foot of the bed. Sirius is sitting up again, nervously wringing his hands. Remus is sitting at one side of the bed, Regulus at the other.</p><p>Healer Pye wants to check what Sirius remembers of the events, and Remus and Regulus might be able to fill in some gaps. Healer Pye thinks it’s best to tell him everything, as it might come back to him later when he’s not prepared, or worse, through the papers.</p><p>“What do you know already?” Healer Pye asks gently.</p><p>“I know I was brought to St Mungo’s unconscious, after my father hurt me. I have a wound in my stomach, and because Dark Magic was involved, it was very hard to heal.”</p><p>Healer Pye nods. “That’s correct. And what’s the last thing you remember?”</p><p>Sirius frowns. “I remember... being home for the holidays.” He shudders. “And things were bad. I mean, more so than usual.”</p><p>He glances over to Regulus, who nods. “They knew about you and Remus. It was the worst it had ever been,” he says in a small voice.</p><p>“And I remember... wanting to leave? Desperately wanting to leave. I wanted to leave, but somehow I couldn’t...” Suddenly, Sirius’s eyes widen. “They won’t let me go back to Hogwarts! They want to keep me out of school! You can’t let them! Please, I have to go back... Don’t let them take me away!” Sirius starts to tremble, and he looks around with a panicked, pleading look in his eyes.</p><p>Remus takes his hand and squeezes it.</p><p>“Calm, Sirius, be calm,” Healer Pye urges. “Your parents don’t have custody over you or your brother anymore. They can’t make any decisions for you.”</p><p>Sirius squeezes Remus’s hand back, and takes a few deep breaths.</p><p>Healer Pye waits patiently for Sirius to calm, before gently asking “Anything else?”</p><p>“It’s all rather vague,” Sirius says. “I think my father asked me to come outside? I was afraid to go. And... Moony was there?” Sirius shakes his head. “No, that can’t be. I’m sorry. I don’t know.”</p><p>“I was there,” Remus says.</p><p>“You were?” Sirius says, looking at him with large eyes.</p><p>“Yeah. McGonagall had arranged for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to start an investigation, and take you and Regulus away from there in the mean time. We came to bring you to safety.” <em>And did we fail at that</em>, Remus thinks bitterly.</p><p>Healer Pye takes a deep breath. “Remus and professor McGonagall, together with an official from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and two well-trained Aurors, indeed came with the purpose to place you into protective custody. Your father indeed called you outside, and you wanted to go with Remus instead of stay with your parents. Your father then hugged you, so the Aurors didn’t realise what was going on before it was too late. Your father stabbed you in your stomach with a dagger.” It’s out, and Remus feels Sirius’s body tense while Healer Pye finishes. “An ancient, silver dagger engraved with the Black family weapon, that later turned out to be cursed with Black Magic.”</p><p>Sirius is silent for a long time, his face unreadable. Then, he says softly “This... was caused by my father stabbing a dagger in me?” His fingers trace the bandages covering the wound where the dagger stabbed through his stomach, but it might as well have been a stab through the heart.</p><p>Hurting someone, or even killing someone, by firing a curse at them is of course horrible, but somehow it seems distant. All you really do is say a word. It’s like the curse does the killing instead of you.</p><p>Stabbing someone, however, seems intimate. You’re standing close, often even looking the person in the eyes, and you yourself deliberately push a knife into someone’s body. It feels personal. Even more so when it’s someone you’ve known your whole life, who was just looking at you, talking to you, <em>hugging you</em>.</p><p>Sirius squeezes his eyes shut, undoubtedly trying to push down the waves of hurt and betrayal threatening to overflow him. Healer Pye recognizes that it has all become a bit too much for Sirius right now, and he gives him some Dreamless Draught, which Sirius drinks eagerly. Some time to not think about anything, before he has to come to terms with reality.</p><p> </p><p>Remus is sitting in his normal chair besides Sirius’s bed, without saying anything. If Sirius wants to talk, he’ll talk, otherwise Remus is content to wait in silence.</p><p>“This may sound stupid, considering everything they’ve done to me,” Sirius says after a while. “But never before have I ever thought they wanted me dead. Before now, every time they hurt me, it had a purpose. They wanted to correct me when they didn’t agree with the people I was hanging out with, the way I talked to family members, the opinions I voiced. Like they thought they could improve me, there was still hope, I could be better. But this...”</p><p>Sirius’s voice breaks and tears well up in his eyes. “This had no purpose except to kill. Like they’ve finally given up on me.” A sob wrecks Sirius’s body. “Like they’ve decided I’m a lost cause, that can only be disposed of.”</p><p>The sobs are coming more frequently now, each one making the wound sting. Remus gathers Sirius in his arms and holds him as close as possible without hurting him.</p><p>Sirius keeps talking into Remus’s sweater while he continues to cry. “I knew they were disappointed in me, but I never thought they would wish me dead. They often lost their temper and took it too far, but I just thought they would never deliberately try to kill me.”</p><p>Remus gently strokes his hair, trying to sooth him. Trying to tell him that making someone be what you want him to be, is not improving someone, and he’s perfect just the way he is and they never deserved him anyway. Slowly, the sobs die down and his breathing becomes more regular.</p><p>“Do you think...” Sirius begins hesitantly. “Do you think they did it because they love me?”</p><p>Remus frowns. “How do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean, for them it’s probably the worst fate imaginable, to live your life in shamefully sodomy and disgrace, amongst Muggle-borns, halfbloods, and blood traitors, especially while carrying the Black family name, so everyone can see how far you’ve fallen. A fate worse than death. So perhaps they wanted to save me from a worse fate? Spare me the shame and disgrace, as their way of... loving me?”</p><p>Remus lets go of Sirius so he can look him in the eyes. “Sirius,” he says carefully. “What your parents did... That’s not love, Sirius. They wanted you to be what they wanted you to be, without a care for what you wanted. And if not on their terms, they didn’t care that you would’ve been happy. If you love someone, you don’t whish to see him dead rather than happy.”</p><p>Sirius’s cheeks turn slightly red, and his expression becomes more guarded. Remus can tell that he’s closing off.</p><p>“I don’t mean to sit here and tell you your parents don’t love you, but-”</p><p>“I was just being stupid,” Sirius interrupts. “Just forget it.”</p><p>“Sirius...”</p><p>“I said forget it!”</p><p>Remus goes silent. Sirius turns away from him. “I’m actually rather tired. Could you leave me alone, so I can get some rest?”</p><p>“Yes, of course.” Remus gets up from his chair. “I... I’ll see you tomorrow then, right?”</p><p>“Yeah, sure.”</p><p>Distraught, Remus leaves the room, but as he walks through the hallway, he feels a fierce determination come over him. If Sirius’s parents have messed up his perception so bad, then damned sure Remus is going to spend the rest of his life showing him just what love actually is!</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much for reading! Chapter 20 already! I'd love comments or messages on this fic!</p><p>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. All is well</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Easter!🐇🐤🥚<br/>Have some fluff!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re probably wondering why I gathered you all here.” Sirius folds his arms as stares at the group of people gathered at the foot of his bed.</p><p>Remus, James, Regulus, and even McGonagall exchange confused looks.</p><p> </p><p>It’s been a while since Sirius found out about the stabbing, and he’s doing much better. Physically, he’s healing quite well, and mentally, he’s made progress in accepting what happened. He apologized profusely to Remus for sending him away like that, while Remus assured him it was only natural to want time alone after news like that, and he had nothing to apologize for. Sirius has been talking to Regulus a lot about their relationship with their parents, and that seems to have been helping him. Regulus says that even if Sirius thinks it might be their parents’ way of loving him, he still knows it’s a selfish, manipulative, and above all conditional way of loving him. Conditions Sirius had resigned himself to never meeting, and Regulus had been bending over backwards to meet. He’s by no means making excuses for his parents.</p><p> </p><p>“You are here because I need each and every one of you to stop bloody apologizing!” Sirius says firmly. “If I have one more person telling me how it’s all their fault and how sorry they are, I swear I’ll lose my mind!”</p><p>Everybody seems to want to speak at the same time, but James is first.</p><p>“Padfoot, you cannot just expect me to stop apologizing! Not for failing you as a best friend!”</p><p>Remus gives James a look. “I believe failing him as a boyfriend is much worse than failing him as a best friend.”</p><p>“What about failing him as a brother?” Regulus chimes in.</p><p>James shakes his head. “If you look at the last...What? Five, six years? I was the one closest to him! We were the inseparable Potter and Black, never one without the other. And I just completely failed to notice his entire terrible home life! What could be worse than that?”</p><p>“I’ll tell you what’s worse than that,” Regulus scoffs. “What’s worse than not knowing all these years, is knowing all these years and not doing anything!”</p><p>“Well, it’s not like we did much after we found out,” Remus argues. “We just let him go home again!”</p><p>“And you would’ve had to defy your parents,” James adds. “Where there’s conflicting loyalties, manipulation and brainwashing going on. What’s our excuse?”</p><p>“Your excuse,” McGonagall says in a firm voice. “Is that you are <em>children</em>! Children who did their best to deal with a situation they never should’ve been in. You did the right thing informing an adult, and I’m the one who should’ve taken care of the situation, not you. I did not only fail Mr Black, but all of you.”</p><p>“Would you all stop it?” Sirius intervenes. “Are we all just going to completely ignore the fact that I’m a bloody stubborn bastard, who would’ve done what he wanted to do no matter what any of you would’ve said? I’m perfectly capable of making my own stupid decisions, and I’d like to be held accountable for my own stupid decisions, thank you very much.”</p><p>“You know that’s not true!” Regulus argues. “You never would’ve gone back home if I hadn’t asked you to!”</p><p>“But you couldn’t have known how bad it would be,” Remus counters. “And why was it so bad? Because of me! I should’ve known, but I was too self-absorbed and preoccupied with my own happiness to realise what danger I was putting Sirius in by making our relationship widely known.”</p><p>“Well, I didn’t see the danger either,” James says. “And my parents raised me with constant warnings for the kind of toxic thinking that runs in pureblood families. I’m the one who should’ve known!”</p><p>“Well, I’m the one who found out first!” Regulus says stubbornly. “As I’m the one who was actually there! I was there and I just let it all happen.”</p><p>“What could you have done to stop it?” James asks.</p><p>“Something,” Regulus says. “Anything. At least not nothing.”</p><p>“Like I did nothing when I came to ‘bring Sirius to safety’?” Remus asks bitterly. “I knew something was wrong, <em>I knew it</em>, but I just stood there! I just stood there right in front of him while his father... While it happened, and I did nothing.”</p><p>“Mr Lupin,” McGonagall says firmly. “You were a child in the presence of a Ministry official, a Hogwarts professor, and two professionally trained and experienced Aurors. It was not your job to do something, do you hear me? It was <em>not</em>. It was my plan that led to this escalation. I am the one who promised to get Sirius safely back at Hogwarts, and I am the one who broke that promise.”</p><p>Remus shakes his head. “The plan was good, if I had only realised-”</p><p>“Shut up!” Sirius interjects. “All of you, shut up! Merlin, you’re all acting like you plunged the bloody dagger in me yourselves! Because you didn’t stop me from making stupid decisions you’re to blame? So my stupid decisions are to blame? So it’s my own fault?”</p><p>“No!” They almost all speak at the same time. “You’re-”</p><p>“Exactly.” Sirius pointedly continues. “I’m not to blame, and if I’m not to blame, then you’re not to blame, got it?”</p><p>“But if-”</p><p>“<em>Got it?</em>”</p><p>“Yes,” they all, including McGonagall, mumble meekly.</p><p>“Good,” Sirius says. “Because there are only two people to blame, and I don’t expect to see either one of them crying at my bedside any time soon, so I won’t put up with that nonsense from any of you. Now, you are dismissed.”</p><p>McGonagall doesn’t look too affronted with this role reversal. As a matter of fact, she looks rather amused, and even slightly proud.</p><p>Remus finds that this sensible, firm, and authoritative side of Sirius leaves him rather... hot and bothered. And judged from the look Sirius is giving him, the bloody bastard knows.</p><p> </p><p>“Please Moony?” Sirius begs.</p><p>Sirius has made room on his bed, and Remus is sitting next to him. He had been reading to Sirius before the pleading started.</p><p>“Padfoot,” Remus says exasperated. “Not now. Not <em>here</em>.”</p><p>“Aw, come on Moons.”</p><p>“We’re in a hospital,” Remus hisses. “You’re in a hospital bed!”</p><p>“So?” Sirius pouts.</p><p>“So? It’s not... proper.”</p><p>Sirius smirks. “Nothing wrong with a bit of impropriety from time to time.”</p><p>“And... you’re not well,” Remus continues. “I don’t want to accidentally make it worse.”</p><p>Sirius fondly rolls his eyes. “As <em>skilled</em> as you are, I highly doubt you’re going to give me another heart attack.”</p><p>Remus huffs. “Reminding me of you having a heart attack is <em>not</em> the way to get me in the mood.”</p><p>“Oh?” Sirius arches an eyebrow. “And what would be the way to get you in the mood?” His hand slides up Remus’s thigh.</p><p>Remus bites his lip to stop himself from smiling. “You’re insufferable.”</p><p>“Come on Moony,” Sirius says, looking at him through those long lashes with those silver-grey eyes of his. “It has been so long. Don’t you want to?”</p><p>Remus groans. “Of course I bloody want to, you idiot! Look at you! You’re gorgeous!”</p><p>Sirius grins brightly. “As much as I appreciate it, right now I don’t want you to worry about me, I want you to <em>want</em> me.”</p><p>Remus makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat. He knows he’s going to give in, because Merlin, it really has been too long since he kissed Sirius. Properly kissed Sirius, not just a simple peck. He cups Sirius’s face in his hand and presses their lips together. He revels in the familiar feel of Sirius’s soft, warm lips against his. Sirius’s hands wrap around his waist and then move up to, so that he can run his fingers through Remus’s hair, pulling him closer and closer. Remus nibbles lightly on Sirius’s bottom lip, and Sirius parts his lips with a soft moan, and Remus forgets about everything else. He forgets about keeping it brief and he forgets about being cautious. All he can think about is how good it feels to be finally kissing Sirius again. He loses himself in the passionate kiss, and Sirius kisses him back just as fervently.</p><p>They only break apart at the sound of a loud cough. Joya is standing beside the bed, arms crossed over her chest, and an amused smile on her face. “Very sorry to interrupt, but I came to check Sirius’s vitals.”</p><p>Remus flushes bright red, but Sirius, looking as dishevelled as one would look after an intense make-out session, only grins. “Well Joya, if my heart rate is spiking, you should blame my hot boyfriend’s very skilled tongue.”</p><p>“Sirius!” Remus hisses, feeling his face burn.</p><p>Joya just snickers, and Remus carefully glances at her. “It... It can’t harm him, can it?”</p><p>Now Joya throws her head back and actually laughs out loud. Remus’s face goes even redder and he averts his eyes.</p><p>“Don’t you worry,” Joya finally replies, wiping tears from her eyes and still snickering. “A good snogging from a loving boyfriend rarely does anyone any harm. And who knows, when it comes to his emotional state, it might be just what the Healer ordered,” she adds with a wink, which makes Remus wish the ground would swallow him, while Sirius just beams.</p><p>Remus doesn’t kiss Sirius again. Or at least not until he’s sure Joya is no longer in the hall. Because, well... Healer’s orders, right?</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell are you doing?!”</p><p>Sirius startles and whirls around, forgetting that he isn’t supposed to be doing any whirling, and winches in pain.</p><p>He had been standing next to James by the window, looking outside. James supporting Sirius with an arm around his middle, and Sirius leaning heavily on James’s shoulder.</p><p>After Remus’s outbursts at seeing Sirius out of bed, and Sirius’s sudden turn, however, James can no longer hold him up, and Sirius crumbles to the floor.</p><p> </p><p>“Everything seems to be in order,” Healer Pye says, while wrapping a new bandage around Sirius’s stomach after checking the wound.</p><p>“I told you I was fine?” Sirius says, lying back in bed and smiling sheepishly at Remus.</p><p>“No harm done,” Healer Pye says, tying off the bandage.</p><p>“Yet,” Remus grumbles, glaring at James.</p><p>“Moony,” Sirius says, taking his hand. “I convinced him. I just really wanted to look outside for a bit. All I ever see is this room!”</p><p>“While I surely agree with Lupin that you must ask the Healers first before attempting such things,” Healer Pye says. “A young man pushing himself to make new steps is to be expected. It might actually speed up the recovery, if he doesn’t push himself too far. Well, I’ll leave you lads to it. Take care, and remember, all is well.”</p><p>“Merlin, Prongs,” Remus snaps, the minute Healer Pye has left. “What were you thinking?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Moony,” James says, running a hand through his hair. “But you heard the Healer! Pushing himself isn’t necessarily bad for Padfoot!”</p><p>“But don’t be daft, and bloody <em>ask</em> a Healer!”</p><p>“I know, I know!” James throws up his hands. Then he adds with a sly smile “But Pads told me you had quite an intense make-out session the other day. Did you ask permission for that?”</p><p>Remus’s cheeks flush, and Sirius presses a hand against his mouth to stifle his laughter.</p><p>James’s eyes widen. “Oh, Merlin! You did, didn’t you?”</p><p>Remus doesn’t reply, and just glares. James bursts out laughing, quickly joined by Sirius. Remus barely lasts ten seconds before he snorts, and joins in with the laughter as well.</p><p> </p><p>With Sirius steadily improving, Remus and James have room in their heads for their schoolwork again. Regulus has been keeping up with his classes quite well, as for him it had been a way to distract himself from negative feelings and worries, while for Remus and James it had been impossible to give any attention to their schoolwork, as each thought was taking up by Sirius.</p><p>Now Remus sits by Sirius’s bedside or at the Potters’ kitchen table reading textbooks. Sirius sometimes tries as well, but he doesn’t have enough energy yet to focus on work for too long, and usually tires himself out and quickly falls asleep. Sirius will fall behind most, but Remus knows he’s the one who’ll have the hardest time catching up. With their talent, James and Sirius can easily master any charm, spell or potion after one try, and they know so much and remember so easily. Remus will struggle, and will perhaps have to ask for delays or take some courses over the summer. But whenever Remus feels like he’s about to freak out about never catching up with his classmates, he remembers that just a while ago he was about to freak out about having to plan his boyfriend’s funeral. Then he’ll look at the Charms essay he’s writing and can’t help but smile, because he can worry about a Charms essay now, and isn’t that just <em>wonderful</em>?</p><p>Remus feels more mature after everything that’s happened, like it has put everything into perspective. It’s one of the positive things to have come out of this dreadful turn of events. That, together with opposition against blood supremacy being stronger, the relationship between Sirius and Regulus being better than ever, and Sirius being away from his parents forever.</p><p>Unfortunately, when schoolwork takes more precedence, it’s decided that Remus and James should go back to Hogwarts. Not that Remus doesn’t want to go to Hogwarts. Hogwarts is a fantastic place, and Remus misses it dearly. But Hogwarts is also a place where Sirius is not, and any place where Sirius is not, is not a place where Remus wants to be. But he can understand the logic, how it’s better for him and James to go back to their classes rather than be in a hospital all day. They’ve agreed that James, Peter and him can visit Sirius each day after classes, before dinner. After some bargaining from Remus, he was also given permission to spend his lunch breaks with Sirius. He tried to get their parents and McGonagall to agree with visits in the evening after dinner as well, but to no avail, as they said that would be too much pressure in combination with classes and homework. Remus had resigned himself to it quite easily, as that’s what the Invisibility Cloak is for.</p><p>Sirius also understood that it’d be better for his friends to slowly go back to their everyday lives, and he was putting on a brave face, as to not make them feel guilty.</p><p>The day before Remus will be returning to Hogwarts, he’s lying next to Sirius on the bed, their legs and shoulders pressed together, both boys staring up at the ceiling.</p><p>“I know I’m being ridiculous and we’ll see each other tomorrow, and I don’t want to be one of those overly clingy couples,” Sirius says. “But I’m really going to miss you.”</p><p>Remus leans over and kisses his jaw. “I’m going to miss you too. I can’t wait for you to join us at Hogwarts. We can sleep in the same bed for the rest of the year.”</p><p>Sirius smiles and squeezes his hand. “For the rest of our lives.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter was rather happy, right? Let me know what you think! Thank you for reading!</p><p>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. A laugh and a cry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Time for the gang!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Shite,” Gideon says, staring into the fireplace. “I knew it was bad, but... shite.”</p>
<p>It’s the first night after Remus and James’s first day back at Hogwarts, and they’re all sitting in the common room together: Remus, James, Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Frank, Alice, Fabian, Gideon, Emmeline, Benjy and Caradoc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Being back at Hogwarts had been... conflicting. On the one hand, it was great to see all their friends again. Lily and James being around each other all day, and suddenly getting along splendidly, was lovely to watch. Lily’s support really seems to keep James grounded. Peter was elated to have at least two of his best friends back at Hogwarts and hadn’t left their sides.</p>
<p>The teachers were also quite something. Professor Flitwick had pulled Remus aside, asked him how he was doing, and told him that if he felt stressed about the work he had missed, he only had to indicate, and he was sure they could work something out. He knows Remus’s talent for Defence Against the Dark Arts, and wasn’t going to let him fail his class simply because life got in the way. Professor Sprout had given Remus a firm hug before her class started, and even Professor Slughorn had given him an awkward, but no doubt well-meaning, pat on the shoulder.</p>
<p>On the other hand, all the attention from the other students was overwhelming, and not always pleasant. In the best case, classmates would come up to Remus, tell him that they were glad to see him, or sometimes hug him, without asking any questions. The majority of the cases consisted of whispers behind his back, all the time, everywhere he went. The story had been pretty clear in the papers, but that hadn’t stopped the rumour mill, and Remus could pick up snippets of the most insane variations. He heard people whisper that Sirius is in a vegetative state and Remus had married him during, to get his hands on his inheritance (neglecting the fact that they were too young to get married, and Remus is pretty sure that no one would perform a marriage where one of the parties is unconscious), or that Remus had challenged Sirius’s father to a duel to avenge his boyfriend, and that’s where he got his scars from (neglecting the fact that those scars had been there long before), or that Sirius had instantly died after the stabbing, and Dumbledore had used the Resurrection Stone to bring him back (neglecting the fact that the Resurrection Stone is a fable out of a kids’ tale), or that Dumbledore had staged the whole attack to damage the reputation of the pureblood community (well, actually that one sounded quite plausible). In the worst case, however, sensationalists would just come up to Remus and start asking questions, though often Remus barely knows them.</p>
<p>“Lupin, have you been at St Mungo’s all this time? Why did you come back without Black? Did he die? Is it true his family has been so abusive his whole life? What kind of abuse? Just emotional and physical, or also...?”</p>
<p>The first time it happened, when Remus had just stepped out of the portrait hole to go down for breakfast, he had been too stunned to even respond. He just stared at the boy, whose name he couldn’t even recall.</p>
<p>Peter had shown up, wrapped an arm around Remus’s shoulder, and dragged him away. “Get lost, Sanders!” Peter had shouted over his shoulder. “If you keep sticking your nose in other people’s business, I’ll hex you so that your nose will make Snivellus’s look tiny!”</p>
<p>And that had only been the first time. Some people apparently wanted a juicy story so bad, basic human decency didn’t seem to matter. As the shock wore off, though, Remus could put those people in their place quite easily with a few harsh words, while James was more likely to resolve to a few well-placed hexes.</p>
<p>Overall, though, it was good to see how the whole of Hogwarts is on Sirius’s side, and shares the concern for his well-being, apart from the usual suspects Lily had already warned them about, of course. Remus and James watched the Slytherin table like hawks, to make sure that Avery and that lot don’t dare messing with Regulus. Luckily, a group of what even James had to admit are good Slytherins, among whom quite a few seventh years, had taken Regulus under their wing. They condemn what has happened to the Black brothers, and disagree with the more extreme Death Eater ideas. Not even Mulciber is stupid enough to come for Regulus openly. Regulus has permission to visit Sirius during all his free periods, and Remus always quickly checks in with him how Sirius was doing afterwards, just like Regulus does when Remus comes back from St Mungo’s after the lunchbreak.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night in the common room, Remus and James have just given their whole group of friends a short retelling of the events.</p>
<p>Fabian looks quite pale. “The papers all said it was bad, but I thought, they’re probably exaggerating some. But cardiac arrest, internal bleedings...” He shudders. “It’s even worse than they said, innit?”</p>
<p>“It’s so weird to think about how close we were to losing Pads,” Peter says softly.</p>
<p>Mary squeezes his hand. “Poor Siri. Poor, poor Siri.”</p>
<p>Alice looks at Remus, her kind eyes overflowing with sympathy. “You must have gone through hell.”</p>
<p>Remus opens his mouth to say that he’s fine, but there’s something about the way Alice is looking at him that makes it all come rushing in. The anger and guilt, the uncertainty of the situation, the feeling of powerlessness, the desperation and loneliness when everyone around him had seemed to be giving up...</p>
<p>“I- I’m just... I was...” He presses a hand against his mouth to prevent a sob, and squeezes his eyes shut to stop the tears from falling out.</p>
<p>James is on his feet in an instance, wrapping him in a tight hug, immediately followed by Lily and Alice.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Remus croaks, still keeping his eyes closed. “Merlin, I’m not even the one who was hurt.”</p>
<p>“Maybe that’s the problem,” Peter says.</p>
<p>Everyone turns to look at him. James blinks. “Should we be worried, Pete?”</p>
<p>“Wait, no, that’s not what I wanted to say!” Peter sputters. “I don’t want Moony to be hurt! That came out wrong!”</p>
<p>It probably isn’t that funny, but it’s a much-needed relief from the heavy emotions in the room, so everyone starts laughing. Eventually, Remus doesn’t know if the tears he’s wiping away are from crying or laughing.</p>
<p>“What I meant is,” Peter tries again. “Maybe it’s the problem that Moony has been focussing on Sirius’s pain so much, he hasn’t been dealing with his own.”</p>
<p>“But I’m not the one who has been going through all that hurt and trauma!” Remus protests.</p>
<p>“Remus,” Lily says. “You saw someone get stabbed and almost die right in front of you. Someone you love. And then you had to sit there in that hallway all alone, not knowing what was happening. That’s more than enough to validate some trauma!”</p>
<p>“Not that trauma needs validating,” Dorcas adds pointedly.</p>
<p>Marlene has been uncharacteristically quiet so far. “I still have trouble comprehending it,” she says, fiddling with the hem of her sweater. “Can you believe that I’ve been going around thinking I’d be happy when I see Sirius play on the Quidditch team again, while I should’ve been happy just to see Sirius alive and breathing again?”</p>
<p>“If it’s up to Moony, Padfoot won’t be so much as looking at a broom for the upcoming time,” James says with a slight grin.</p>
<p>Lily lightly smacks his arm. “Don’t tease him! That’s perfectly understandable!”</p>
<p>“I also find it difficult to wrap my head around,” Caradoc confesses. “I mean, it’s Sirius Black! Everything about him always seemed so perfect! Handsome, popular, rich, athletic, quick-witted, top of the class...”</p>
<p>“In a committed relationship,” Remus adds with a raised eyebrow.</p>
<p>Caradoc just smiles sheepishly at him.</p>
<p>“Well,” Benjy says. “I suppose the reality of it all is a far cry from perfect.”</p>
<p>“Do you have any idea how long until he might come back?” Marlene asks.</p>
<p>James shakes his head. “It’s difficult to say. His recovery has been going very well these last weeks. His injury is healing nicely, and he has even been able to walk short distances! However, it’ll still be a while before he has enough energy to stay awake for an entire class, let alone several in a day. And I don’t know,” James shrugs. “Even with how far he’s come, the idea of him running around the castle all day, going up and down staircases, everyday activities like that, still seems unimaginable at times.”</p>
<p>Lily gently places a hand on his arm. “He’ll get there.”</p>
<p>“And when he does, do you think it’ll be safe for him here?” Remus asks carefully. “Those Slytherins... If Sirius isn’t completely well yet, won’t they take advantage of the situation and try something?”</p>
<p>“If they’re smart, they won’t,” Fabian says. “I’m pretty sure the whole school will come down on anyone who so much as looks at Sirius wrong.”</p>
<p>“‘If they’re smart’,” Frank repeats. “Your first assumption is already wrong there, mate.”</p>
<p>“If they’re stupid enough to try something, they won’t be making that mistake twice,” Lily says with a dark look on her face.</p>
<p>Remus is about to say he’d prefer them not making that mistake once, but James speaks first.</p>
<p>“You guys, it’s still Sirius we’re talking about! He’s not some helpless damsel in destress! Even if physically he’s not completely well, he’s still a better dueller than all those Slytherins combined!”</p>
<p>“I know, Prongs. I’m sorry,” Remus says. “It’s just... he’s already been through so much that I failed to prevent. I just don’t want anything else to happen to him.”</p>
<p>“And I get that,” James replies. “Believe me, I do, and I don’t blame you, but I just don’t want everyone to go and treat Sirius differently. He’s still the same person,” James adds with conviction.</p>
<p>“You’re right,” Remus agrees. “And please keep reminding me of that. Merlin knows I’ll need it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Despite the comforting presence of his friends, Remus counts down the hours between his visits to St Mungo’s. The first time he goes to spend his lunchbreak with Sirius, Sirius latches onto him like an octopus. “Mmm, missed you,” he murmurs.</p>
<p>Remus chuckles. “It was only a few hours.”</p>
<p>Sirius just nuzzles his face in Remus’s neck. “Longest hours of my life.”</p>
<p><em>Well, you never had to wait in a hospital hall while your gravely injured boyfriend was being treated by Healers</em>, Remus thinks, but he doesn’t say it. Instead, he just kisses the top of Sirius’s head. During those moments together, Remus and Sirius talk about everything and nothing, and sometimes they don’t talk at all, just lie side by side on Sirius’s bed, exchanging looks and kisses.</p>
<p>After classes, Remus, James and Peter will sit around Sirius’s bed, while they all laugh and discuss the happenings at Hogwarts. They discuss what it could mean that Lily asked James to help her with her Potions essay, while no one is better at Potions than Lily (“What do you think it bloody means, Prongs?!” “I don’t know! I’m trying not to get my hopes up!” “Merlin, she couldn’t be clearer! You can get it up, Prongs!” “Well, Moony, that might be a bit forward.” “His hopes! I meant his hopes!”). They keep retelling the tale of Mulciber trying to sneak up on Gideon from behind, only to be hexed by an observant Fabian, leaving him only able to say cock-a-doodle-doo like a rooster for the rest of the day (“It was brilliant, mate! Every time he opened his mouth, I thought I’d die laughing!” “And McGonagall, who had seen what Mulciber tried to do to Gid, gave him an oral examination and then failed him when he couldn’t give any answers!” “Classic Minnie!” “And Flitwick actually congratulated Fabian on his excellent spell.” “Well, Fabian’s wand work was quite impressive, I must say- Oh, Sirius, stop pouting!” “I’m sorry. I just didn’t know you were so keen on <em>Fabian’s wand work</em>.”) They also tell Sirius about all the crazy rumours that’ve been flying around (“I knew you were only with me for my money, Moony!” “Why, yes, of course. I tried to stop Dumbledore from using the Resurrection Stone, so it all would’ve been mine, but alas!” “No, he actually used the Philosopher's Stone, so now I have eternal life, and my non-existent inheritance shall never be yours, my husband!”).</p>
<p>Sometimes in the evenings, Remus and James will sneak into McGonagall’s office to use her fireplace to get to St Mungo’s, and visit Sirius under the Invisibility Cloak. Whoever is on night shift must pretend not to notice, or they’re used to people seemingly talking to themselves. Remus and James will save Sirius’s favourite foods from dinner in the Great Hall, and Sirius will eat while they talk softly, until Sirius starts to fall asleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just can't get over the fact that the sound a rooster makes in English is actually cock-a-doodle-doo😂</p>
<p>As always, thank you for reading, and I'd love it if you'd leave a comment!<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a><br/>and come say hi!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Give or take</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I apologize for this in advance.<br/>It's not for the drama, this is actually where I wanted to go with this fic almost since the beginning!<br/>Forgive me😅</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius is asleep when Remus walks in. Which is strange. Of course, Sirius still sleeps quite a lot as he’s still regaining his strength, though luckily not as much as before, but despite the regular visits from his boyfriend, friends, brother, the Potters and McGonagall, he’s been complaining of boredom being in the hospital on his own all day. He pretends he’s fine, but Remus can tell. Which is why it’s strange for him to be sleeping on the moment he knows Remus will visit.</p>
<p>As Remus approaches the bed, he notices Sirius’s cheeks are flushed and his skin is slightly damp. He reaches out and touches Sirius’s cheek with his fingertips.</p>
<p>Sirius’s eyes blink open. “Hi,” he whispers.</p>
<p>Remus frowns. “You’re hot.”</p>
<p>The fact that Sirius doesn’t even attempt to make a lame joke, clearly shows that he’s not feeling very well. “Yeah,” he croaks. “I might be a tad feverish.” His eyes close again. “Don’t worry,” he mutters. “I’ll sleep it off.” And he promptly drifts off.</p>
<p>Remus strides into the hall. Joya is standing a bit further off, sorting through a cart of vials. Her mouth is pressed in a tight line, and her brow is furrowed. Great, Remus thinks. He’s catching her in a bad mood.</p>
<p>“Sirius has a fever,” Remus says, as he stops in front of her.</p>
<p>“I’m aware,” Joya replies curtly, without looking up from her task.</p>
<p>Annoyed, Remus places his hands on his hips. At Hogwarts, a fever is no excuse to miss class. Madam Pomfrey gives you some Pepper-Up potion, and you’re immediately good to go. Hell, any self-respecting parent has a supply of Pepper-Up somewhere in their home, for when their child might come down with something. Why an entire hospital full of well-trained Healers would let a patient suffer from a fever is truly beyond Remus. “Well, shouldn’t you be giving him some Pepper-Up? I can’t imagine you have a good reason to let him feel like shite!”</p>
<p>Joya finally turns her head towards Remus. “We have given him Pepper-Up potion. Three dosages already. It has no effect.”</p>
<p>Now Remus recognizes the expression on her face for what it is. She’s not in a bad mood. She’s worried.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Remus is sitting on his bed, legs tucked against his chest, back resting against the headboard.</p>
<p>James is sitting cross-legged in front of him. “It’s just a fever,” he says. “I’m sure it’s nothing more than that. People get fevers all the time. The wound is still healing very prosperous, and they can hardly detect any Dark Magic anymore. We should be happy that he has this fever now! Now that he’s much stronger than before, and can easily handle it, I’m sure.”</p>
<p>Remus nods. “You’re right. His immune system is probably still recovering from the infection, so it was to be expected that he’d be a bit feverish at some point, right? Nothing out of the ordinary.”</p>
<p>Neither boy mentions that no ordinary fever would be resilient against the effects of the Pepper-Up Potion, stubbornly trying to push that fact out of their minds.</p>
<p>“Exactly!” James says. “It’ll probably already be much better by the morning, you’ll see!”</p>
<p>Remus wishes he believed James. For that matter, he wishes James believed himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s not better by the morning. Quite the opposite. Sirius’s breathing has become shallow, he’s burning up and his hair is sticking to his face. Joya has placed a wet cloth over his head, explaining it’s a trick Muggles use to deal with a fever. The heat necessary to evaporate the water in the cloth is drawn from the body, helping the body to cool down. Remus wets the cloth again and again. However, Sirius doesn’t show any signs of cooling down. With him occasionally gasping for breath, Remus overhears the Healer’s assistants discuss whether they should put the Fluxweed back in, but they’re afraid that if they aid him now, it’ll be hard for him to go back to breathing on his own.</p>
<p>“Moony.” Sirius has opened his eyes and gives Remus a small smile. “Is it lunchtime already? Sorry I fell asleep.”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry about it, love.”</p>
<p>Sirius closes his eyes for a moment and groans softly. “I’m feeling a bit under the weather. I think I might be coming down with something.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I think so too.”</p>
<p>Sirius focussed his eyes on Remus’s face again. “Could you ask the Healers for some Pepper-Up?”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>“Thanks. You’re the best. I’ll be all better in no time.” Sirius drifts off a feverish, restless sleep again.</p>
<p>Remus doesn’t bother telling him that they’ve had this conversation multiple times already since Remus arrived, nor does he inform him that he’s already had four dosages of Pepper-Up Potion that day. He has given up on that after the first two times, as it had only seemed to confuse Sirius, and after a while, he would just ask again anyway.</p>
<p>Joya keeps a close eye on Sirius, but having her standing in the room all the time, nervously wringing her hands, makes Remus’s skin crawl.</p>
<p>Needless to say, Remus doesn’t go back to class that day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> It doesn’t get better, and Remus hates seeing Sirius’s flushed cheeks, only standing out more on his pale face, and damp skin. He’s breathing heavily, and in the moments were he’s conscious, he’s mostly just staring up at the ceiling with glazed-over eyes, in some sort of fever-induced delirium.</p>
<p>Remus can’t take it anymore. The powerlessness, the confusion as to why this is suddenly happening, but most of all, the anger why no one is <em>doing something</em>.</p>
<p>He gets up, and storms out of the room. Without knocking, he bursts into Healer Pye’s office.</p>
<p>Healer Pye, sitting at his desk reading through some files, startles and looks up, his hair sticking up in all directions from where he has been running his fingers through it. “Ah, Lupin.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you Lupin me,” Remus snarls, although he has no idea what he means by that.</p>
<p>“What can I do for you?” Healer Pye asks, and Remus notices that he looks tired.</p>
<p>“I want to know what’s going on!” Remus clenches his fists. “Sirius is not okay, and he keeps getting worse. Yet, you’re just sitting here! You’re supposed to be Healers, right? Well, bloody <em>heal</em>! I don’t understand. How is this happening? You said his injuries were actually getting better.”</p>
<p>“They are,” Healer Pye says. “The wound is healing very prosperously, the internal bleedings have not shown any sign of reoccurring, and there are hardly any traces of Dark Magic left.”</p>
<p>Remus notices Healer Pye glancing to his left and follows his gaze, seeing a chalkboard with notes written on it.</p>
<p>
  <em>Critical condition – rapid decline (internal bleedings) – stabilization – slow recovery – speedy recover – rapid decline (?): </em>
</p>
<ul>
<li><em>Fever symptoms (irresponsive to the standard Healing Potions) </em></li>
<li><em>Extremely high body temperature </em></li>
<li><em>Fever-induced delirium </em></li>
<li><em>Muscle aches </em></li>
<li><em>Difficulty breathing </em></li>
</ul>
<p>“What does this mean?” Remus asks, the anger in his voice giving way to desperation.</p>
<p>“His injuries are getting better, but he’s getting worse.”</p>
<p>Remus turns his gaze back to Healer Pye. His voice sounds hoarse as he speaks. “What are you saying?”</p>
<p>Healer Pye rubs his temples. “I’m saying that he’s dying, and I have no idea why.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The moment Remus sees the silver-grey eyes looking at him, he recognizes it for one of those rare moments of clarity.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he whispers, quickly grabbing Sirius’s hand.</p>
<p>“Hi,” Sirius replies, after which a shiver runs through his body. There’s a hint of fear in his eyes. “I’m going to die, aren’t I?”</p>
<p>Remus squeezes his hand. “You’re going to be fine.”</p>
<p>Sirius gives him a small smile. “You’re an even worse liar than Prongs.”</p>
<p>Remus doesn’t argue. “Do you need anything?” He asks softly. “Is there anything I can do for you?”</p>
<p>Sirius’s voice trembles when he answers. “Will you just... stay with me till I’m sleeping?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eventually, long after Sirius has fallen asleep, Healer Pye gently tells Remus he should go and get a few hours of sleep himself, while he runs some additional tests.</p>
<p>Remus goes to the Potters’. He really doesn’t want to face anyone from school right now. It helps James to talk to Lily, but Remus doesn’t want to talk to anyone, and while they throw him far too many pitying looks, at least the Potters know when to leave him alone. Regulus is staying there too. His fear and guilt have been replaced by anger, anger over the unfairness of the situation. His brother was getting better, and now this? As an outlet for his anger, he had picked a fight with Snape, Avery and Mulciber, all in one day. McGonagall, Slughorn and Mrs Potter had decided that it was best to remove him from school again for his own safety, at least for the time being.</p>
<p>Despite the emotions running high, Remus is exhausted and drained enough that he drops down on his bed and falls asleep just like that. The benefit is that when he wakes a couple of hours later, he can just get up and immediately go to the hospital.</p>
<p>He runs into James, who looks almost as bad as Remus must look. They give each other a small, cheerless smile, before walking to Sirius’s room together. Neither of them knows what to say, but then again, neither of them feels the need to say anything.</p>
<p>The sight in Sirius’s room catches Remus completely by surprise.</p>
<p>Sirius is sitting up in bed, and while he still looks pale and tired, he’s no longer sweating and his breathing sounds more even. He looks at Remus and James as they enter, and smiles. A potion Remus doesn’t recognize is being intravenously administered.</p>
<p>Remus immediately rushes forward and envelops Sirius in a hug, hiding his face against Sirius’s neck while tears stream down his face.</p>
<p>Healer Pye must have entered the room, because Remus can hear James cheering “You did it! You figured it out! You healed him!”</p>
<p>Remus is mostly focussed on Sirius though, who hugs him back and softly whispers in his ear “I’m so sorry I keep doing this to you.”</p>
<p>Remus pulls his head back and smiles through his tears. “I forgive you, as long as you promise to never do something like that again.”</p>
<p>Sirius looks at Remus with a strange expression on his face that Remus can’t place, after which he exchanges a look with Healer Pye. An uneasy feeling settles in the pit of Remus’s stomach.</p>
<p>Healer Pye scrapes his throat. “Lupin, Potter. If you’d please follow me to my study. There’s something I’d like to discuss with the two of you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So what was it?” James asks, the moment he sits down in front of Healer Pye. “What have you done to make it better?”</p>
<p>“I’ve contacted the Department of Mysteries,” Healer Pye says. “To take another look at the dagger. It turns out, it wasn’t just cursed, it was also poisoned.” Healer Pye’s face turns grim. “When they stabbed him, they really didn’t want him to survive.”</p>
<p>“Those bloody bastards!” James says through clenched teeth.</p>
<p>“What kind of poison?” Remus asks softly.</p>
<p>“Bloodroot Poison,” Healer Pye replies. The name doesn’t ring a bell, but Healer Pye elaborates. “It’s a poison that, as the name already says, roots itself in the bloodstream. From there, it multiplies and spreads over the body. Once the concentration in the blood is high enough, it interferes with the normal function of the red blood cells, which is the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to all tissues and the removal of waste products from these tissues. First, the body registers that there’s an intruder, and activates the immune system in a futile attempt to attack this intruder, causing the fever symptoms. Then, as too little oxygen and nutrients reach the muscles, severe muscle ache and muscle weakness occurs. Eventually, the lack of oxygen and nutrients and the accumulation of waste products will affect other tissues as well, such as the organs, including the lungs, heart and brain.”</p>
<p>Remus wonders why Healer Pye is going into so much detail about the workings of the poison. They figured it out, they dealt with it, and it’s over now. The only one who would find this explanation interesting, is Sirius, who dreams of one day becoming a Healer himself. Remus always loves listening to Sirius rambling about this sort of thing, but judged from how much less he finds it interesting when it’s Healer Pye doing the talking, that probably has more to do with the way Sirius will beam at him and his eyes will light up, not the topic itself.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Remus says. “But why are you explaining all of this? You gave him the antidote, you healed him, we don’t have to worry about the poison anymore, right?”</p>
<p>“What I’ve given him is the Antidote for Uncommon Poisons,” Healer Pye says. “The good news is that it was a great medical breakthrough when it was discovered that the Antidote for Uncommon poisons can drastically delay the effects of Bloodroot Poison. When taken daily, preferably in combination with Blood Replenishing Treatment, it can significantly decrease the amount of Bloodroot Poison in the bloodstream, as well as slow it’s multiplication.”</p>
<p>“And the bad news?”</p>
<p>“The bad news is that’s all it does, delay the effects. An antidote specifically for Bloodroot Poison has never been found. Over time, the concentration in the blood will steadily increase, and these poison particles, that appeared in the presence of the Antidote for Uncommon Poisons, will be resistant against this antidote. When the amount of Bloodroot Poison surpasses the threshold, the symptoms will come back, and then there’s nothing we can do. There is no cure.”</p>
<p>It’s James who asks that one questions that needs to be asked. “How long?”</p>
<p>“It’s difficult to say,” Healer Pye says, shaking his head. “On the one hand, he was already in a bad condition, with how poorly he had been taking care of himself, and then the stab wound and internal bleedings on top of it... But on the other hand, his body has shown that it’s very resilient, and he’s still young. While that of course adds to the tragedy of it all, it’s advantageous for his life expectancy...”</p>
<p>“<em>How long?</em>”</p>
<p>Healer Pye sighs, as he first looks James, and then Remus in the eyes. “Give or take, two years.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry!😅<br/>I'm curious to know what you think of this direction, so do comment!</p>
<p>Come yell at me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. A lifetime worth of love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry for taking so long to update! I promise I'm not planning on abandoning this story, I love writing it. Thank you so much for all the lovely comments!<br/>This chapter may be short, but I really wanted to give this conversation its own chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>James has given them a moment to talk, but so far, both boys have been silent. It’s not an awkward silence, but it’s not a comfortable silence either. It’s the kind of silence when there are just no words to be found, and there’s nothing to be said.</p><p>Sirius is staring at the ceiling. Remus is staring at their linked hands. He’s tightly gripping Sirius’s hand, like if he just holds on tight enough, Sirius can’t be taken away from him.</p><p>“We’re the only ones who know,” Sirius eventually breaks the silence. “You and me, James and Healer Pye.”</p><p>“Are you worried about telling the rest?” Remus asks.</p><p>“I’m not going to.”</p><p>Remus stares at Sirius. “None of them? Not McGonagall, Mr and Mrs Potter, Peter, not even <em>Regulus</em>?”</p><p>“Especially not Regulus!” Sirius turns his head to look at Remus. “He’s been through so much lately. He has lost his family and many friends, he’s suddenly an outcast in Slytherin. He needs a strong big brother. He needs me to be there for him, not pile up on his misery. I haven’t been there for him for too long already.”</p><p>“He’s going to find out sooner or later.”</p><p>“Then I choose later. That’s something I can at least still decide.” Sirius is silent for a moment. “I know that he’s probably going to notice me dying,” he then says with a wry laugh. “But I’d rather tell him when things have settled down a bit. For now, he deserves some relief.”</p><p>“And the others?”</p><p>Sirius sighs. “Honestly, I want as few people as possible to know about it.”</p><p>Ah. So the question shouldn’t be ‘why don’t you want the rest to know?’ “Why did you want James and I to know?” Remus asks.</p><p>“James is the first person who ever made me feel like I could tell him anything,” Sirius says.</p><p>And if only you had done so, Remus thinks, but he doesn’t say it. Perhaps that’s exactly why Sirius couldn’t keep this from James, not being able to endure years of hiding terrible secrets from his best friend a second time.</p><p>“And something like this... If I didn’t at least have James to talk to, I think I’d die.” Sirius frowns. “Or, well, die... even more?” He smiles sheepishly at Remus, who, despite himself, chuckles.</p><p>“And what about me?”</p><p>“You’re my boyfriend,” Sirius says. “And you agreed to be so under the assumption that we could have a future together. And now that I have no such future to offer you... It wouldn’t be fair to you if I don’t give you all the facts.”</p><p>“I don’t care!” Remus says, and that sounds completely wrong, as Remus has actually never cared more about anything in his life.</p><p>Sirius gasps dramatically. “And here I was, thinking you’d be upset about your boyfriend dying!”</p><p>Remus rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean, you twat. I don’t care when it comes to deciding to be your boyfriend. Yes, if I were given the choice, of course I’d prefer a lifetime, but even if it’s just two years, I take anything I can get.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” Sirius asks, looking at him intently. “A first love should be walking to Hogsmeade hand-in-hand, secret dates on top of the Astronomy Tower, and snogging in empty corridors. It’s not supposed to be hospital rooms, inevitable sickness, and funeral planning.”</p><p>“Sirius Black,” Remus says firmly. “You better not do anything stupid, such as break up with me to spare me the pain, or some shite like that.”</p><p>Sirius at him smiles softly. “You must understand, Remus, if there was any way I could spare you the pain, I would. But I don’t think that pushing you away, making you watch me die from afar, unable to offer me any kind of support, is going to make it hurt any less.”</p><p>“It won’t,” Remus says resolute. “The only thing worse than having to be by your side while you slowly but surely die, is not getting to be by your side while you slowly but surely die.”</p><p>“I thought so,” Sirius replies. “I thought the only thing I can do to make this as easy for you as possible, is to be open and honest with you, be there for you, and allow you to be there for me, so that, when the time comes, you’ll know it’s okay and you can have some closure.”</p><p>“I don’t think I’ll ever have closure,” Remus says, having to make an effort to keep speaking, with his voice almost breaking. “I’ve been building a life for us together in my head. I don’t know how to let go of that.” His voice is trembling now. “I don’t know how to give up on our future together.”</p><p>Sirius squeezes his hand. “We might not have a future together, but we still have a present together.”</p><p>Remus looks at him for a moment, then shakes his head. “You’re so bloody great, you know that? You’re so caring and clever, and so brave. You deserve so much more.... You could’ve been so much. You could’ve had so much.”</p><p>“I’ve been genuinely happy. I’ve had real friendship, and, most importantly, I’ve had true love. That’s more than I ever could’ve hoped for. My life will be short, yes, but that has made it worthwhile. <em>You</em>, Moony, have made it worthwhile. Oh no, Moony, love, don’t. It’s okay. Really, it’s okay. Please don’t cry.”</p><p>“I don’t understand how you can be so okay with this,” Remus chokes, unable to stop the tears.</p><p>Sirius presses his hand against Remus’s cheek. “It’s a gift, don’t you see? Maybe I should’ve died last summer, when the Healers worried I wasn’t going to wake up, I almost certainly should’ve died after the stabbing, when my heart stopped, and surely I should’ve died after the internal bleeding. But I didn’t. I didn’t, and instead, I was given two more years. Two more years to enjoy the friendship and love I was blessed to have in my life. It’s a <em>gift</em>, Moony. Some more time.”</p><p>Remus covers Sirius’s hand with his own, and presses it more firmly against his face. “It’s not enough,” he whispers. “It’ll never be enough.”</p><p>The expression on Sirius’s face changes. There’s a sadness, but not the kind of desperate sadness that’s ripping Remus apart on the inside. It’s more a resigned sort of melancholy. “It’s not,” he agrees. “But it’s what we were given, and I intend to make the most of it.”</p><p>Remus wraps his arms around Sirius, and hides his face in his neck, breathing in his scent. Sirius wraps his arms around Remus in return. “Have I told you that I love you?” He murmurs in Remus’s hair.</p><p>Remus smiles against his neck. “You may have mentioned it once or twice.”</p><p>“Well, prepare to hear it a lot more,” Sirius says. “After all, I now have to fit a lifetime worth of ‘I love you’s’ in only two years.”</p><p>Remus lifts his head and wipes away the tears, to look into the soft silver of Sirius’s eyes. A lifetime worth of love in only two years? Remus isn’t sure it can be done, but he dammed sure is going to try.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Not that you should care, but my go-to song for this fic is Time in a Bottle, by Jim Croce.</p><p>  <em>If I had a box just for wishes<br/>And dreams that had never come true<br/>The box would be empty<br/>Except for the memory<br/>Of how they were answered by you</em></p><p>  <em>But there never seems to be enough time<br/>To do the things you want to do<br/>Once you find them<br/>I've looked around enough to know<br/>That you're the one I want to go<br/>Through time with</em></p><p>I'd love it if you'd leave a comment, or message me on Tumblr!<br/>Find me on Tumblr as <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/engie-ivy">Engie-Ivy</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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